We had a power cut at our house yesterday morning and my PC, laptop, TV, DVD, iPad and new state-of-the-art surround sound music system were all rendered inoperable. Nintendo Wii was also out of commission. Then I discovered that my iPhone was out of action, because the battery was flat. To put the top hat on it all, and compound an already unfortunate farrago, it was raining torrentially outside, so I couldn't go and play golf. In a state of manic depression, I meandered into the kitchenette to crank up the caftiere and percolate some fresh coffee. Of course, it then dawned on me that this also required electricity, so I sat and talked with the missus for a few hours. She seems like a really nice person.
The wife and I spoke at great length for over two hours. I was truly enlightened! She informed me: "You always blame someone else when things go wrong." I replied, "And whose fault is that?"
Now that she had my undivided attention, she announced: “Have you not even noticed that all the sparkle, excitement and even the sex has gone out of our marriage?” I replied, “Can’t we discuss this at half- time?” I'll never understand women. First they declare that, “Size doesn't matter”. Then the next minute, they're asking, “Does my bum look big in this?” Women are a mass of contradictions.
Mind you, statistics prove that one in every three women can be just as difficult and argumentative as the other two. Of course, correlation doesn't imply causation, but it does point the finger of scorn, wiggle its eyebrows suggestively and gesture furtively while miming, “Have a shufty at that over there!” Strange, but true!
At exactly 12-30 pm, when the power eventually came back on, I watched an amazing television programme which is called ‘Loose Women.’ What an informative experience this really was. The format for this show is as follows: A group of middle-aged, wealthy women, who have landed their own daily TV show, tell us, the viewers, how hard and unfair life is. Looks like they are on to a winner. Trebles all round!
What was going on last week? All that detritus swirling in from the Sahara Desert and landing on Tameside! Talk about sand. I looked out of my window and there was a cactus and a camel on the roof of my car! The camel had three humps. I’m going to keep him in the garden and call him Humphrey. I was doing so well on this paragraph, then I couldn't help but descend into infantile humour!
They usually have three cashiers on duty at my bank, except when they're really busy. Then they have one. Yesterday, while queuing, I bumped into Barmy Albert, my next-door neighbour. He informed me that he was going out on a date with Non-Stick Nora that very night. He asked, "What do you think I should wear?" I replied, "A blindfold." For those readers who don’t know Nora, she looks like she’s been bobbing for apples in a deep fat fryer.
I know this really nice couple who are vegans.They asked me if I knew the difference between a lentil and a chickpea. I told them: "I wouldn't pay £50 to have a lentil on my face".
Breaking News: The two pieces of metal that satellites spotted in Indian Ocean, approximately 2700 miles off the west coast of Australia have now been identified as Rolf Harris's missing laptops...
Wit is often a mask. If you could peer behind its gossamer façade, you would find either genius irritated or cleverness wriggling. That’s why you should never let your mind wander. Summat that small shouldn’t be out on its own. Nurse, fetch the screens! Visit my website www.ComedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, assume a comical position, and then strike the pose!
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