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Saturday, 19 April 2014


Adieu. Parting is such sweet sorrow. Next week, I begin the cruising element of my curriculum. This year, I shall be entertaining passengers on Royal Caribbean ships and visiting copious exotic destinations in both the Mediterranean and the Caribbean. This column will return in the autumn for more fun and frolics. Until then, have a great summer, get the barbeque cranked up, because the sun will be crackin’ the flags!

I woke up on Good Friday morning feeling all peaceful and calm, so I Googled my symptoms and was convinced that I might be dead! You know you’re getting old when you see a bunch of kids playing doctors and nurses, and then you realise that you’re in the intensive care ward at Tameside General Hospital. The consultant informed me that I had, “Something very rare.” When I asked him exactly what that was, he replied, “A bed!” I was told to report to reception and contact 'Mrs. A.'  Imagine my surprise when I contracted MRSA!

Exercises for the over 50’s: Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags. Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level now.) After you feel confident at that level, then put a potato in each bag.

Two Jehovah’s Witnesses knocked on Non-Stick Nora’s door and she was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear what they had to say and slammed the door in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result. The door rebounded back open. Convinced these young people were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said: “Madam, before you do that again you really need to move your cat.”

Last week, I visited the Patent office, to register a new invention that I had dreamed up. I told the clerk, "I've invented a folding bottle, I call it a ‘Fottle’ can I register it?" The clerk replied, "That's a rubbish concept, it'll never work" I carried on, informing him, "Well I've invented a folding kettle, I call it a “Fettle’ is that any good?" "Nope! It's been done already, pal." He curtly informed me. I didn't even bother to tell him about my folding bucket...

Real time slows as you approach the speed of light, whereas time flies when you’re having fun! So if you go slower. Do you have more fun or do you just get more light? Visit my website: Email me: Now, get back to work. Spring has sprung! Summer is a-comin’! See ya in da fall folks! Noe, assume a comical position, then strike da pose dude!  You know it's the right thing to do....


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