One morning, three ladies are golfing on the fifth green when suddenly, this bloke runs by wearing nothing but a balaclava over his head. As he passes by the first woman, she looks down and says, “Well, he’s certainly not my husband.” As he passes by the second woman, she also glances downward and says, “He’s not my husband either.” He then passes by the third woman, Non-Stick Nora, who also looks down as he runs by her. “Hang about” Nora exclaims. "He’s not even a member of this golf club".
They usually have three cashiers on duty at my bank, except when they're really busy. Then they have just one. Yesterday, while queuing, I bumped into Barmy Albert, my next-door neighbour. He informed me that he was going out on a date with Non-Stick Nora that very night. He asked me: "What do you think I should wear?" I replied, "A blindfold." For those readers who are unfamiliar with Nora, she looks like she’s been bobbing for apples in a deep fat fryer.
The missus (Or Jurassic Park in knickers, as I jokingly refer to her), asked me last night if I thought she was wearing a touch too much make-up. I said it depended on whether she was going out with the intention of killing Batman or not. The reverberations of that statement still echo around my lug holes!
I’ve trained my dog Alfie, how to fetch a me a can of beer. Now, dear reader, this may not sound all that impressive to you, but he gets them from my neighbour's fridge!
Fascinating Fact: I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control, and I thought to myself. "Well this changes everything"
A Psychologist walked around a room while teaching Stress Management to an audience. As she raised a glass of water, everyone expected they'd be asked the "Half empty or Half full" question. Instead, with a smile on her face, she inquired: "How heavy is this glass of water?" Answers called out ranged from eight to twenty fluid ounces. She replied, "The absolute weight doesn't matter. It depends on how long I hold it. If I hold it for a minute, it's not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my arm. If I hold it for a day, my arm will feel numb and paralysed. In each case, the weight of the glass doesn't change, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes. She continued, "The stresses and worries in life, are like that glass of water. Think about them for a while and nothing happens. Think about them a bit longer and they begin to hurt. And if you think about them all day long, you will feel paralysed and incapable of doing anything." In life, always remember to put that glass down!
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