Rooney & Heskey....

On Football Focus last Saturday the pundits were enthusing that the 'spud-faced nipper' Wayne Rooney is the white Pele. If that's the case, then wouldn't that  make Torres the white Heskey?

Whilst on the train yesterday, this fella sez to me: "Are you travelling to Manchester?" "Yes." I told him. "And what are you planning to do when you get there?" He enquired. "Get off the train,” I replied. The worst rail travel nuisance must be the dreaded mobile phone. After a gig in London, I settled down on the Pendolino train from Euston, when the geezer sitting near me hauled out his mobile and started off thus: "Hiya sweetikins, it's Steven, I'm on the train - yes, I know it's the 6.30 not the 4.30 but I had a long meeting - no, not with that blonde bimbo from the accounts department, with the boss - no temptress, you're the only one in my life - yes, I'm sure, cross my heart" etc., etc. This was still going on as far as Stoke-on-Trent, when the young woman opposite, driven beyond endurance, screamed at the top of her voice, "Hey, Steve, turn that stoopid phone off and come back to bed!”


I hear on the grapevine that on the menu for the Rangers corporate hospitality, the starter is ‘Administroni’ soup! Moreover, when I was a lot younger, I used to enjoy viewing Nick Hancock’s Football Nightmares video over and over again. Now I just watch Andy Carroll. It’s amazing how times change innit!

I came home from the lap-dancing bar last Tuesday night and went straight to bed. After I got undressed, I noticed a man outside rummaging around in my car. "Hey!" I shouted from the bedroom window. He said, "What?" I said, "You've got ten seconds to get away from my car before I call the police." He said, "You've got five seconds to get out of my house before I break your legs."

Barmy Albert asked me, "so how was your holiday then? I replied. "What can I say? It was seven days of nothing but sand and water." "It sounds like you had a great time." He said, "You obviously don't play golf, do you?" I sez to him.

As a struggling actor, I was thrilled when my agent phoned with an audition. "The part is made for you," she enthused. "They want someone your age, height and build, with an accent like yours, plus it's being filmed about ten minutes from your house." "It sounds perfect!" I replied excitedly. "What is it?" "It's a BBC Crimewatch reconstruction." "Erm,no... I'm busy that day..."

I was in my local tavern, The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife, with the missus, who was giving it large, dancing on a table, so I went over. "They're a fantastic set of legs!" I shouted.

"Ooh," she giggled, with a wink. "Think so, do you!?" "Yeah," I replied. "Most tables would have caved in with that amount of weight on them."

Thought for Thursday: Through humour, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it.

I had to change a light bulb yesterday. A bit later on I crossed the road and walked into a pub. My life has become one big joke. For more BIG jokes, just visit my website www.ComedianUK.com or email me: austin.knight@homecall.co.uk Now, get back to work!