The Power of Thought.....

Upon arriving outside the newsagents, there was a fella just getting in his car with his newspaper, so I reckoned that I’ll wait a moment, then commandeer the parking space that he is about to vacate. I waited awhile,, but he didn’t shift, so I got out of my car to remonstrate with him. As I approached, I noticed he was reading his paper. I was fuming for a minute, but when I got closer, I noticed that he was reading this column and chuckling away to himself! So I let the matter drop. Isn’t life grand when you’re barmy!


On Tuesday, I decided to spend an hour at the wife’s grave. Bless her. She thinks I’m digging a pond. Sadly, she lost her last job because she had rheumatism in the shoulder. Consequently, she couldn’t throw the harpoon anymore.

The mere power of thought is fascinating. It’s all mind over matter. Yesterday, I melted an ice cube just by staring at it. Took a bit longer than I thought it would though.

Relationships of today: Mother to daughter: "What kind of person is your new boyfriend? Is he respectable?" "Of course he is, Mum. He's thrifty, doesn't drink or smoke, has a very nice wife and three most well-behaved children."

Does anyone know how to cancel a bid on eBay? I inadvertently bid six quid for a cowboy outfit last night and if I don't cancel this bid I'm going to be the new owner of Wolverhampton Wanderers Football Club tomorrow morning. Help!!

A woman goes to see a psychiatrist. "Doctor, Doctor, I think my husband is insane!" she says. "Every morning at breakfast, he eats his coffee cup and leaves only the handle."  "He is definitely insane," says the psychiatrist. "The handle of a cup is the tastiest bit."  Underlying issues perchance?

Fascinating Fact: Were you stuck on yesterdays Times crossword puzzle? If so, Seven Up is Lemonade....

Yes, on the outside I may look like a sad, embarrassing, pathetic moron that everyone laughs at and nobody likes, however on the inside, there is a confident, happy and loving individual trying to get out. But, a job's a job, and Everton do need to have a mascot.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I sez, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.

Have you noticed how the top and bottom biscuit in the packet are always broken?   I don't know why they bother putting them in. McVities take note!

A police recruit had to take part in an examination. The first question was: "What would you do if you had to arrest your own wife in your own home?" "Call for backup" replied the recruit.

Thought for Thursday: If you lose one sense, your other senses are enhanced. That's why people with no sense of humour have an increased sense of self-importance.

Only the really good jokes are the ones I can take credit for. But you can always visit my website. Just click on www.ComedianUK.com or better still email me: comedianuk@sky.com