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Monday, 2 April 2012

Angela Merkels Summit....

I said to the missus yesterday morning, "I was just reading in a scientific paper how blades of grass can actually feel pain. Truly amazing isn't it?" She replied, "Nice try, fishface. Now go and get the lawnmower out of the garage." One thing is for sure. If I drag the barbeque out of the garage, it’ll start raining.

During a gig in Blackpool at weekend, I asked a couple in the audience if they were married. He nodded and then she declared, “I’m his second wife.” Quick as a flash, I retorted, “Well, you wouldn’t be my first choice!” Oh, folly of follies. Hat and coat time already!

Angela Merkel flies into Athens to attend an economic summit. When she gets to Passport Control, the officer looks at her passport and sez, "Nationality?" She says, "German."  He answers, "Occupation?" She replies, "No, I'm only here for two days."

Whilst attending an appointment with a fortune teller, she advised me that a lot of money was coming my way. I was extremely excited about this, until I got knocked over by a Securicor van. Talk about amazing coincidences! Last week I got knocked over by a mobile library. I was screaming in pain in the middle of the road and the librarian came out and went “Ssshh!” You couldn’t make it up! Could you?

Okay, so I've managed to get a jerry can full of petrol back home. Now where am I supposed to store it all? The bath is already full of stamps and pasties. Reflecting on the current petrol crisis, I suppose that Andy Carrol is a typical example of what happens when panic buying sets in!

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" The girl said, "NO!" And the guy lived happily ever after and drove a Porche and went fishing, hunting and played golf a lot. He drank beer, scotch, smoked cigars and cigarettes. He went on holidays whenever he wanted and played video games all weekend and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and never made his bed and farted whenever he wanted and lived Happily ever after. The End.

Upon arriving home from my local tavern, The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife, the missus hollered at me: "I can't believe how intoxicated you are." Firmly denying this, I replied, "I am not bladdered." "Yes you are." She insisted. No, I'm definitely not." I objected. She said, "Okay then, can you tell the time?" Apparently, I walked up to the clock on the mantelpiece and sez, "I'm definitely not drunk."

Thought for Thursday: Never be afraid to laugh at yourself, after all, you could be missing out on the joke of the century. Dame Edna Everage.

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