Stop thief! Yesterday, I was robbed at the petrol station. It really is quite appalling here where I live at the moment. I contacted the local constabulary and they asked if I suspected who had perpetrated this dastardly crime. "It was pump number twelve." I curtly informed them!
A guy meets his ex-wife's new boyfriend and, in an attempt to piss him off, asks: "How's the second-hand fanny you're pumpin?" The boyfriend smiles and says: "The first three inches are a bit slack, but the rest is brand new".
Just recently purchased the Arsenal Football Club electronic toy figurines. Imagine my surprise when I discovered that full back Sagna, wasn’t in the box! I have just contacted the suppliers for an explanation. They said to me that Bacary's not included!
I looked out of my window and saw a gaggle of folk meandering around a bloke who had just come off his motorbike. I frantically rushed over. "Get out of the way!" I shouted, as I pushed through the crowd. "Are you a doctor?" one woman screamed. "No" I replied, "He's got my pizza."
There’s no pleasing the missus. I arrived at our house to pick her up and with arms folded in a nonchalant manner, she proclaimed, "I'm not riding with you on that thing." I sez, "Come on! Hop on we'll arrive at the pub in style, apart from that, it's a classic from the 1970’s!" She gazed at me and replied, “But, it's a Space Hopper."
A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning. One woman lost it completely. She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, "I'm too young to die," she cried. Then she yelled, "If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a woman?" For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman. In the front of the plane. Then a man from Newcastle stood up in the rear of the plane. He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went, one button at a time. No one moved. He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest. She gasped... Then, he spoke... "Iron this -- and then get me a beer Pet."
Try this! 1. While sitting at your table or desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make
clockwise circles.
2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right
hand. Your foot will change direction. I told you so, and there’s nothing you can do about it!
Anyway, I've had enough! I have wound up the cat and put the clock out. I'm off to perform ablutions with a talking book, a pint of whelks, a 1920 Chocolate Muraga Cake (steamed) my Granny's old stone chamber pot with an eye painted on the bottom, a Braille jig-saw, a singing skipping rope, a whistling blood pressure kit, a packet of Phensic, a stirrup pump, a car jack, a bottle of Afghan Merlot (end of bin) and two Carter’s Little Liver pills. I hope to experience that ‘return to the womb’ feeling of comfy-down safety with a generous line of slug pellets around me bed! And they have the audacity to suggest that I am mad! You’d be mad not to visit my website though. http://www.comedianuk.com/ Email me: comedianuk@sky.com
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