Titanic Centenary....

This week observes the centenary of the tragic sinking of the Titanic. Exactly one hundred years ago, relations of the passengers who sailed on the doomed vessel were stood on the docks at Southampton, frantically awaiting news of their loved ones. Suddenly, a ten foot tall polar bear pushed his way through the assembled throng and shouted, “Any news about the iceberg, pal?”


All the newspapers of the day published massive headlines with regard to the calamity: ‘Titanic Sinks on Maiden Voyage – Thousands Feared Dead!’ The Gorton & Openshaw Reporter however, carried a much more conservative approach in its reporting of the incident, there was a little column at the foot of page nineteen which read: ‘Rochdale Man Drowns.’

Last night, the missus was most upset. "I met this horrible and very rude man in town this morning, and right away I knew he was a panjandrum and a troublemaker. He started to insult me. He used really foul language, he even threatened to kill me!" she opined. "Exactly how did you meet this crazy geezer?" I asked, showing concern. She gazed at me and replied, "Well, we met by accident. I hit him with the car."

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defence attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer's credibility.

Q: 'Officer --- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'

A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several streets away.'

Q: 'Officer, who provided this description?'

A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'

Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'

A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'

Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'

A: 'Yes sir, we do.'

Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'

A: 'Yes, sir, I do indeed.'

Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'

A: 'Yes, sir.'

Q: 'Now, why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'

A: 'You see, sir, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.' The courtroom imploded with raucous laughter, and a prompt recess was called.

I hope I live to be as old as my jokes. I pray that all my friends will live as long as the DFS sale continues! You too can discover the elixir of mirth by visiting my all new joke blog. Click on www.ComedianUK.com and follow the link. You can also gizza tweet on Twitter! www.twitter.com/comedianuk . Email me: comedianuk@sky.com