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Monday, 30 April 2012

Wettest Drought In History!

This must be the wettest drought in our meteorological history. I’ll tell ya summat. If this is a drought, I’m not hanging around for the rainy season! It only rained twice on Sunday. From 6 am until noon, then from noon until 6 am! Moreover, I was in B & Q yesterday, and saw Noah. He was buying loads of nails, guttering and decking. Batten down the hatches folks, the May monsoon is a-comin’!!

This week, on 5 Live, Mark Chapman has raised the subject of The Sun's "Woy" headline, and talked himself up a gum tree. Motty has come to Woy's defence, pointing out that he speaks five languages. They are: Wussian, Wumanian, Wuwandan, Womansh, and Serbo-Cwoat. The F.A.'s David Bernstein says The Sun's behaviour is "wepwehensible".

While watching a movie at the local bughut recently, I couldn’t hear the dialogue over the chatter of the two women sitting in front of me. Unable to bear it any longer, I tapped one of them on the shoulder. "Excuse me," I said, "I can’t hear." "I should hope not," she replied sharply. "This is a private conversation."

I took the missus to the doctors. After a short examination the doctor said “Your wife's mind has completely gone!” To which I replied “I'm not surprised. She's been giving me a piece of it every day for the past ten years.”

Some Saturdays, I like to go to the DW Stadium. I'm not a Wigan fan or anything. I just like some time on my own and a bit of peace and quiet.

Pets can be most problematic. I took my goldfish to the vets to see if there was any treatment available that might cure his chronic epilepsy. The vet had a quick shufty and sez, "He seems quite tranquil and calm to me" I replied, "Yeah, but wait while I take him out of his bowl." What compounded this already unfortunate farrago was the fact that I'm really worried about my parrot as well. He keeps saying, "I can't go on, I really hate my life". The missus is far too selfish to notice any of this. She’s constantly crying and refuses to come out of the coal-hole.

I walked into my local pub ‘The Pit-Bull & Stanley Knife’, and the landlord exclaimed, "Your missus looked quite ravishing last night. Now what can I get you?" "Whatever you've been drinking, mate."

Fascinating Fact; Did you know that if you place your ear up to a complete stranger's foot, you can actually hear them saying, "What the flamin’ hell are you doing?!"

"I am in serious financial trouble?" cried my tearful octogenarian relative. "My winter fuel allowance didn’t cover my enormous gas bill."   "But it is rather large, maybe they’ve read your meter incorrectly, or have you had the heating on full blast 24 hours a day?" I exclaimed. "Hardly at all, I've just cooked a few puddings and other stuff for some people," she opined. "But, the bill is nearly fifty thousand quid!" I replied. "Just how many puddings have you been making Aunt Bessie?”

Wit is often a mask. If you could peer behind its gossamer façade, you would find either genius irritated or cleverness wriggling. That’s why you should never let your mind wander. Something that small shouldn't be out on its own. Nurse, fetch the screens! Visit my website
 or email me:     Now, assume a comical position, and then strike the pose!

                                                             VIAGRA Head Office.

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