Everyone is on Twitter! When asked recently if he had ever tweeted anyone, Roy Hodgson said: “Yes, I tweeted my wife to a womantic dinner on her birthday.” I think with Hodgson in charge, England will find it easy against Sweden but they might stwuggle with Ukwaine and Fwance. This one could wun and wun!!
For those of you who bought tickets for my motivational speech course tomorrow,
it's been cancelled. I can't be arsed.
Breaking News: Tom Tom have launched a new Sat Nav system especially for the over seventies. When you get where you're going, it reminds you what you've gone for...
This fella buys his wife a beautiful diamond ring for her birthday. A friend of his sez, "I thought she wanted a sporty, 4 x 4 wheel drive Range Rover Evoque?" The man replies, "She did, but where was I going to find a fake Range Rover Evoque?"
Yesterday afternoon, the missus called me on my mobile phone. "I've broken down in Tintwistle. I have water in the carburettor." she opined. "Where’s the car?" I asked. She sez, "It’s in the reservoir." When I got there she’d dipped the headlights as well. Oh, and now I know that the airbag works!
I came home from my local pub, The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife, very late last night. "Where the hell have you been?" screamed the missus. I said, "I've been playing poker with some blokes." "Playing poker with some blokes?" she repeated. "Well, you can pack your bags and get out!" "So can you" I said, "This ain’t our house anymore."
This university student delivered a pizza to my house last weekend. "I suppose you want a tip?" I asked him. "That would be fantastic," retorted the student, "but the other guy who does deliveries told me not to expect too much – he said if I got 50p, I’d be very lucky." I sez, "Well, to prove him wrong, here’s a fiver. Anyway, what are you studying?" "Applied psychology," replied the student.
Today is International Women's Day. It was actually supposed to be held yesterday, but they took ages to get ready.
Barmy Albert’s late uncle was a taxidermist and had bequeathed him two stuffed dogs in his will. Albert decided to take them onto Dickenson’s Real Deal. "A pair of Bobby Dazzlers," said David Dickenson himself, "These are Tibetan Mastiffs’. They are a very rare and expensive breed, do you have any idea what they'd fetch if they were still alive?" "Sticks?" Barmy Albert replied.
The missus decided to join an aerobics class. She bent, twisted, gyrated and jumped up and down for an hour. But, by the time she got her leotard on the class was over! She reckons that she has flabby thighs, luckily, her stomach covers them.
Thought for Thursday: When you swim up a creek and an eel bites your cheek, that's a moray...
Real time slows as you approach the speed of light, whereas time flies when you’re having fun! So if you walk slower, do you have more fun, or do you just get lots more light? www.ComedianUK.com Email me: comedianuk@sky.com Cheer up, the summer drought is-a comin’! Now, get back to work!
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