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Wednesday 16 May 2012

The way things are...

The outcome of different situations, in alternative locations absolutely amaze me. For example, if you stand in the middle of your local library and scream your head off, then everyone will stare at you as though you are unhinged and require sectioning under the Mental Health Act. Whereas, if perchance, you did the same on a plane, then everyone would join in with you. Fascinating!

A woman I met at the pub took me back to her place. I was just about to shag her when I hesitated.

"What's wrong?" she asked.  "We are on the first floor aren't we?"   "Yes. Why?"  "I'm sure I've just seen someone walk past the window."   "Well it can't be my husband," she replied, "He's out playing basketball tonight."

I answered the door to a pair Jehovah's Witnesses on Tuesday morning. "Oh please, do come in," I begged, smiling at them. I escorted them into the new conservatory, made them a pot of Earl Grey tea, prepared some smoked salmon sandwiches and told them to make themselves comfortable. Then I left the mother-in-law's house and went home. I was initially annoyed when the mother- in- law asked me to go round in the first instance to check her smoke alarms, but it wasn't a completely wasted trip. At least I've now got some spare batteries for the TV remote control.

Last week, I inadvertently misinterpreted what the missus was endeavouring to convey. I made a terrible error. She requested that I take her to see ‘Pirates of the Caribbean.’ Apparently, leaving her on the Somalian coastline was not what she really meant. It's weird, is it not, that most men spend the formative years of their lives, wishing that women would chat to them, and the balance of their existence, wishing desperately that they would shut up.

Sometimes, on a rainy day, to alleviate any monotony and have a bit of a chortle, I do like going into a the local charity shop, picking up a random shoe and asking, “Excuse me, have you got these in black, size nine?” Or maybe grabbing a jacket off a hanger and saying "Do you have this in Extra Medium?” My absolute favourite is sauntering into Tesco, filling a trolley full of beer, then placing a packet of disposable nappies a tin of Cow & Gate baby milk on top. Whilst proceeding through the checkout, I apologise and inform the cashier that I haven’t got enough money and ask to put the nappies and milk back. I just love the expressions on their faces!

Thought for Thursday: You should always give 100% at work.12% Monday. 23% Tuesday. 40% Wednesday. 20% Thursday. 5% Friday....

Are you exasperated with the same old boring jokes that are still being circulated around the pub and at work? Sure you are, but no, not me. No sirree. I like the same old jokes and that's why I print them right here in this gloppy humour column every available chance I get. Accept me for what I am; completely unacceptable. Click on my jokeblog:
 or better still email me:
Oh, and If your phone didn’t ring today, then it was me!

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