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Saturday 26 May 2012
We live in strange times....
Are we are living in a time warp? Manchester City are League Champions. Tom Jones and Engelbert Humperdinck are both in the charts. What is happening? Then again, when one considers that over the past few weeks, Torres scored a hat-trick, England was on flood alert whilst officially in a drought, and surface to air missiles are to be placed on top of council flat housing blocks in South East London, then I’d swear if I didn't know any better, that Mr Bean had written this month’s news headlines. Isn't life ace when the whole planet has gone big-time skewiff?
Mind you, Barmy Albert has always said that, “Man City would rise from the ashes like a pheasant.” When I pointed out the fact that he meant a phoenix, Albert merely sniffed and replied, “I knew it was some kind of bird beginning with the letter ‘F’.
Eugene J Polley, the inventor of the television remote control has died at the age of 96. Have they tried turning his batteries the other way round and smacking him against the coffee table?
A chronically obese teenager cut free from her home by workmen after she grew too big to go outside remained in hospital today. She weighed up to 60st by the time she was urgently rescued from the house that had become her prison. She is in a South Wales hospital in wards A2, A3, A4, A5 and B6. Doctors have given her a thorough examination and concluded that she has an 'overactive knife and fork'. The hospital has instigated palliative care for the patient. She won't fit in a bed, so they've had to put her on pallets.
Kids do say the funniest things. In primary school the teacher asked the class to make a sentence using the word 'avocado'. Little Tommy stood up and pronounced, “My dad has a driving license, but we don't avocado.”
What fantastic weather we’ve been having. Last weekend the missus phoned me and said, "Where the hell are you? You’re supposed to be picking me up from my mother’s house." I said, "I'm relaxing in the garden with my mate Dave. I can’t drive now because I'm already on my fourth can of lager." "I don't believe you!" she shouted. "Hang on" I said, holding the phone away from me, "Dave, isn't this my fourth can?"
Try this! 1. While sitting at your table or desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles. 2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction. I told you so …..And there’s nothing you can do about it!
I’ve just returned from a gig in Blackpool. Never again! On the seafront I saw a guy and this woman having a shouting match, until the woman smacked the guy in the head and they started fighting. Then a copper turned up but instead of trying to calm things down, he started battering the fella with his truncheon, in the end the man grabs the truncheon from the copper and starts hitting him AND his missus! Then this crocodile turned up and stole all the sausages!
Yes folks, it’s THAT time of year again! Now that the footie season has ground to a halt, it is time for yours truly to find alternative employment and this year, I am going to be working on a brand new ship! It is called the Carnival Breeze and features its very own comedy club, which I will be appearing in. I attach a photo of this magnificent vessel, moreover, you can take a virtual tour of the ship on http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rsK4l2rKqTM Don’t forget my website and Jokey-Bloggington is online 24/7 for your enjoyment, just click on http://www.comedianuk.com/ and all will be revealed. My email is: email@example.com
This column will reappear in the autumn, so until then, have a great summer, play Fruit Ninja and chillax, just like our Dave!