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Monday, 11 June 2012
Cameron leaves daughter in pub.
It happened to me when I was a kid. I came home from school and my parents had moved. Maybe that's why they wrapped my lunch up in a road map. Alas, there were no Sat-Navs in those dark days. Cameron loves the Sat-Nav, especially when the voice announces, "Make a u-turn." My Sat-Nav has the voice of Bonnie Tyler on it. It keeps telling me to 'Turn Around', and every now and then it falls apart!
Apparently, David Cameron left his eight year old daughter at a local public house. It is however, well documented that he is on record as saying: "In these tough economic times, austerity measures and cuts have to be made somewhere." I assume that as soon as he'd got home and it dawned on him that he'd inadvertently left his offspring in the pub, he was forced to do yet another u-turn!
When Cameron says "We're all in this together," he's obviously not talking about the family Range Rover Evoque, driving back to Chequers after having a nosebag at the local battle-cruiser.* To make amends, he has awarded himself a £100 voucher and is sending himself off to a parenting class. This being a a futile effort to distract everyone from the Levenson enquiry, where it was discovered that he was that far up Rupert Murdoch's arse, he could see Jeremy Hunts feet.
To be honest, I have made the same mistake. Two days ago I left my daughter at my local pub, The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife and I haven't seen her since. Mind you, she is 34. In mitigation, she did trap off with a pikey and we really do need our drive tarmacing. Moreover, we are in desperate need for lucky heather.
Yesterday, the prime minister blamed the previous Labour government for leaving him
with no choice, other than to leave the kid unattended at the nearby inn.
The most absurd fact about this unimportant occurrence was the fact that yesterday mornings BBC Breakfast News programme had dispatched a reporter to stand in tempestuous rain outside the The Plough in Cadsden, Buckinghamshire, (which wasn't even open) to report on summat which happened well over two weeks ago. We live in strange times. Kids run wild and dogs go to obedience school.
Meanwhile, I hear on the grapevine that Her Majesty the Queen's corgi's are absolutely overjoyed that Prince Phillip is back home at Buckingham Palace after a weeks stay in hospital, recovering from a bladder infection. They were totally fed up of getting battered every day for pissing on the chaise longue. No doubt there was a rainbow over the inglenook during his enforced absence.
Polish football fans have been warned that if they cause any more trouble during Euro 2012 that they will be sent back to the United Kingdom.
Bad news for Harry Redknapp. But at least he'll receive a £3 million payoff. Which after tax will be ..... £3million!! In fact, whenever I order a MacDonalds drive through I like to pretend I'm Harry Redknapp talking to the press. Just like when I held a coconut shell up to my ear and I could hear the sound of a one legged horse standing in a stationary position. The word on da street is that he going to manage the Switzerland national team, just so he can be nearer his bank accounts. The future for Harry looks Rosie.
Breaking News: 25% of women in the United Kingdom are on medication for some manner of mental illness. That's bloody scary. It means 75% are wandering around with no medication at all...
Madonna went into florist and sez "I'd like to buy some very special rare flowers." The assistant replied, "Orchids?" Madonna sez, "No, just the flowers"....
The missus just asked me, "When we go to Egypt, can we go on a camel?" I said, "GTF, it would take flamin' ages to get there on a camel."
Battle Cruiser= Boozer
Jeremy Hunt = ****