Whilst sitting watching the footie on Sunday, I called to the missus in the scullery: “When I snuff it, I’m gonna leave everything to you, my darling.” She hollered back: “You already do, you lazy cretin!”
As the coffin was being lowered at the traffic wardens funeral, a voice from within the casket shouted, “I’m not dead, I'm not dead!!” to which the vicar replied "Sorry pal, the paperworks already been done! Schadenfreude personified innit!
In a criminal justice system based on twelve individuals not smart enough to duck out of jury duty, here is a jury to be proud of: A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defence’s closing statement, the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick."Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened. Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed, and I insist that you return a verdict of not guilty." The jury retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty. "But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt. I saw all of you stare at the door." The jury foreman replied: "Yes, we did look. However, your client didn't."
The wife put a gun to my head and said, ''Do you love me?'' ''Depends, what's for dinner?'' I said. ''There's a gun to your head and all you care about is dinner!'' she said angrily. ''Yes!'' I replied, ''With your cooking, I might just want you to pull the trigger!'' She’s a terrible cook. She uses the smoke alarm as a timer.
"What would you like?" enquired the barman. "What would I like?" I replied, "A bigger house, more money and a wife that doesn’t nag as much." "No," says the barman, patiently. "I meant what do you want?" "To win the Euro Millions lottery, or for my mother-in-law emigrate to a far-away land and for my daughter Susannah to do well in her forthcoming exams!" "What's it to be?" says the barman, less patiently. "A boy or a girl, I really don't care." "You misinterpret what I am saying," sez the barman, impatiently, "I only asked what you want to drink." "Oh," I exclaimed, "I see. Why didn't you say so? What have you got?" "Nothing at all," says the barman. "I'm perfectly healthy."
The missus popped her head out of the door and said "Flamin’ hell love, it's warmer out there than it is in here. "You're not wrong, sweetheart." I replied. "Now get back in the fridge."
Why do folk say ‘sound as a pound?’ The pound is far from sound at the moment.
You don't see Italians going around saying 'Securo as a Euro', do you? But you can do a hokey-cokey with the jokey-oke from my Jokey-Blog. Just click on: http://www.comedianuk.com/
Roll on Whit week! Email me: comedianuk@sky.com
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