Yesterday morning, I spotted a bloke running really fast down the High Street wearing a cape. I immediately thought that the Tameside and Glossop area had a new super hero! Imagine my surprise when it turned out to be some scallywag who had not paid for his haircut!
Tesco have announced that it will create 20,000 new jobs across the UK, within the next twelve months. Donald Tusk, The Polish Prime Minister, is said to be “absolutely delighted”....
The missus texted me at a gig last week: "Windows at home frozen - what should I do?" I texted back: "Spray some de-icer or pour hot water on them." A few minutes later, she replied: "Done all that, now computer won't work at all now”.
New Definitions for Today: Walcott (verb) - To start something with promise, but finish poorly. Example: Arsenal have just been Walcotted out of Europe.
I walked up to reception area in the hotel and said, "Sorry, but I have genuinely forgotten what room I'm in." The concierge gazed at me and replied, "No problem with that sir, this bit is called the lobby."
Thought for Thursday: It is a paradoxical, but profoundly true and important principle of life that the most likely way to reach a goal is to be aiming not at that goal itself but at some more ambitious goal beyond it.
Apparently, Barmy Albert’s mother said to him, "Get me anything from the Body Shop for Mothers Day!" So he got her a nearside wing for a Ford Focus. No doubt It’ll be the wrong colour. I don't think he was listening when his mum told him how to use a cotton bud properly. It just went in one ear and out of the other.
I suppose that while the actor George Clooney was handcuffed and arrested outside the Sudanese Embassy, Brad Pitt and Matt Damon were inside robbing the safe.
Some blokes treat girlfriends and iPhones in very much the same manner. When they get a brand new one, it's all they can think about, wanting to play with it all the time and cannot imagine not being with it on a constant basis. Then after about a year or so, it's still there and a part of their everyday life, but they'll start getting a bit bored with it and start thinking about other models. After seeing their peers go through several futuristic generations, they'll compare models and decide whether to stick with the one they already have, or get an upgrade. Some guys even keep their old one knocking around for a bit because it does things that the new one doesn't do, but once the new model accomplishes these tasks, then the old one becomes a thing of the past. Up the Apps! Technology, doncha just love it!
This humour column may exacerbate chronic halitosis, mental aberration, repetitive spasmodic squinting & inflamed haemorrhoids could hang down lower than a beggars cap. It will enhance Joggers Nipple, Strapadichtomy, Tourettes & Varicose Brain Syndrome. For further jocular clarification, why not visit my website. Just clickety-click on http://www.comedianuk.com/
Email me: comedianuk@sky.com
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