Whale Oil Beef Hooked....

                                                                      

Little Suzannah was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. Little Suzannah stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. Little Suzie said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah." The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" Little Suzannah replied, "Then you ask him...."



Barmy Albert and Non-Stick Nora made a pact that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all . After a long life together, Albert was the first to kick the bucket. True to his word, he made the first contact: "Nora, Nora, can you hear me?" "Is that you, Albert?" "Yes, I've come back like we agreed." "That's wonderful! What's it like?" "Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.. Then I have lunch (and Nora, you'd be proud -- lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to the golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again". "Oh, Albert! Are you in Heaven?" "No -- I'm a rabbit somewhere on Wimbledon Common....."

                                      

A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive andexpertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wanted him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank cheque and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing." The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?" To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank cheque. "There's no charge," he says. "No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says. "Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "it cost nothing." "You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice." "Oh, so you exchanged suits?" she asked. "No" said the Mortician "I switched heads".

                                  

My back legs have gone!

                                                               

My back legs have gone! I have contracted the most appalling malady. I give it the moniker of A-A-A-A-A syndrome. It stands for Age Animated Attention Arrears Ataxia.


It manifests itself thus: The missus instructs me to paint the kitchenette walls. As I lurch towards the front porch, I notice that there is a brown envelope from DVLA just delivered by the Royal Mail. I open the envelope, and go through the other mail before I start painting. The ladders are in the shed. I lay the shed keys down on the hall table, put the junk mail in the waste bin underneath and notice it is overflowing. So, I decide to take out the rubbish first.

However, I think, since I’m going to be near the shed when I take out the waste, I may as well get the ladders out, in readiness. I snaffle the shed keys off the table, and notice that they are actually my car keys. The notice from the DVLA reminds me that it needs taxing. Moreover, the shed key is on a hook in the utility room, so I go upstairs to my study and on my desk, I find an unopened bottle of ale that I was going to drink last night. I’m logging on to the DVLA website to tax the car. But first I need to push the beer bottle aside so that I don’t accidentally knock it over. I see that the beer is warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to maintain the temperature, because warm lager is undrinkable.

As I totter towards the scullery with the Carlsberg, a wilting potted plant on the dining room table attracts my attention – it needs to be watered. I plonk the bottle down on the kitchenette worktop, and discover my reading glasses that I’ve been searching for all morning. I reckon that I’d better put them back on my desk, but first I’m going to water the arid aspidistra. I set the spectacles back down on the worktop and endeavour to fill a jug with water, when I spot the TV remote control nestling by the bread crock.

I decide to put it back in the living room where it belongs, but first I’ll water the plant. I splash some water on the aspidistra, but most of it spills on the mahogany table. So, I put the TV remote back down, get some paper towel and wipe up the spillage. Then I head off down the front path, trying to remember exactly what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day: the car isn’t taxed, the kitchen remains undecorated, there is a warm bottle of pilsner languishing on the dining table, the aspidistra is well deceased, I can’t find the TV remote, my reading specs are on the missing list. I cannot recollect what I've done with the car keys. I try to figure out why nowt has got done today, It’s been hectic all day long, and I’m really knackered. I realise this is a serious problem, but I must remember to put the wheelie bin out tonight, because it’s Wednesday… or is it Thursday today?

When your dog has eaten your philosophy homework...

Beer. Resistance is futile!

                    

I never drink beer on a Monday,
Cos Monday's the day fer mi health
An' the wife's got me countin' them units,
I've just got to take care o' miself
So I merely have wine wi' mi supper,
An' just the one litre OK?
Then a rather large rum in mi coffee
An' I calls that mi sensible day

I never drink wine on a Tuesday,
Cos Tuesday's mi weightwatchin' club
It's the day when I eat nowt but cabbage,
The day I don't go much fer grub
Now a diet demands plenty fluid,
Summat light an' completely fat-free
So I've chosen that strong German lager
An' I just have five pints wi' mi tea

I never drink lager on Wednesday,
Cos Wednesday's the day fer mi jog
It's tracksuit an' trainers at mid-day
Then I'm off up the road wi' the dog
First stop's at the Globe fer some Guinness,
Three swift ones'll get me to grips
Then I carry on round to The Shepherds
Fer three more an' a burger an' chips
I make sure that I'm suitably rested,
Then I sprint back to our garden wall
In a time of under twelve minutes,
An' it's four 'undred metres an' all

I never drink Guinness on Thursday,
Cos Thursday's mi day to relax
I likes to sit out in t' back garden
In mi brown zip-up cardie an slacks
After lunch I might stroll by the river,
Breeze in at the Fisherman's Drop
Where I lounge on the terrace all lordly,
Sippin' shandy, but beawt any pop
Then cos I've been good through the day like,
She'll allow me to waver a smidge
So mi evenin's spent watchin' the footy
Wi' a few packs o' Boddies from t' fridge.

I never drink Boddies on Friday,
Cos Friday's mi night on the razz
An' we meet in The Firkin at seven,
Owd Nodger an' me an' Fat Baz
Oh The Firkin's a beer-drinker's heaven,
Wi' fifteen real ales from the jug
An' we start wi' the ones in the tap-room
An' we works our way round to the snug
By midnight we're all talkin' gubbins
An' we're off fer a curry up town
But there's summat not reyt about curry
Cos I never seem t' keep the stuff down
We 'ave a good laugh wi' the waiters,
An' Baz moons his bum fer a joke
Then I'm home fer a nightful o' passion,
Cos I'm known as a passionate bloke.

I never do much on a Sat'day,
Cos Sat'day's mi time fer a think
Cos me an' the wife are not speakin' today,
I'm a drunken, fat pig an' I stink
So I sit near the lavvie pretendin'
That really I'm feelin' just great
But I'm goin' right off that Indian food
If it leaves me in this bloody state
It's later I make the decision,
On my forty-third trip to the bog
There's only one thing cures an upset like this
An' they call it the 'air o' the dog
I ring Nodge an' Baz on mi mobile
An' both of 'ems likewise in pain
So we're back in The Firkin at quarter-past-six
An' we do it all over again.

I never say Firkin on Sunday,
Cos Sunday's mi day to repent
I'm ashamed of all o' that boozin' I've done
An' all o that money I've spent
I begs the wife fer forgiveness
An' I promise I'll alter mi ways
An' she gives me a kiss an' a cuddle,
Like she did in our newly-wed days
We watch Songs of Praise on the telly,
Then a nice pot o' tea an' some cakes
An' I swear now I've climbed up the ladders,
I'll never slide down any snakes
But it's borin' on telly on Sunday,
An' I can't say I'm ever impressed
So I 'ave a walk out round the village
An' stop off at the Collier's Rest
Now the beer's a bit crap in The Collier's
So I leave an' pop round to The Swan
Where I flatten a shed-load o' Tetley's
An' I'm bloody well back to square one!

Breaking News!

 

 

Fascinating Fact; Apparently cowboys used to tie a lantern to their horses saddle to help them see where they were going at night. It's the first known example of saddle light navigation.



I used to have a good friend whose name was Dan D'Lyon. He was an affable bloke, however his death was quite unusual. He wet the bed and his head popped off. Sad, but true….

 
Banks should do a lot better job keeping their ATM’s filled with cash. Five times this week it has said “Insufficient Funds.” Even the local food bank is not to be trusted. I deposited a tin of sardines in there a fortnight ago and when I went back to withdraw them last Monday, they’d gone!


We bought a water bed about eighteen months ago. Since that time, the wife and I have just drifted apart. A further mitigating factor is that her side has frozen over. Unfortunately, the writing was on the wall and I was well aware of the perils of having a water bed as my uncle Tommy sadly died in one. The house caught fire and he was poached to death!




I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time. When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds. Incredible!

 
 

Barmy Albert walked into his local pub, The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife, sat down next to Non-Stick Nora and stared up at the telly as BBC News came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump. Nora looked at Albert and declared: "Do you think he'll jump?" Albert replied: "You know what, I reckon he will." Nora thought for a moment and sez: "Well, I bet he won't." Barmy Albert placed a tenner on the bar and proclaimed: "You're on!" Just as Nora placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. Nora was most upset and handed her ten pound note to Albert saying: "Fair's fair... Here's your money." Albert replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the six o'clock news and I knew he would jump." Non-Stick Nora replied: "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again...."



I’ve been scammed yet again! I paid a carpenter in advance to build me a bespoke double bed and found out he's done a bunk. It's just one thing on top of another!



Q) How do you get your average Frenchman to become a fearlessly brave and highly motivated fighting machine? A) Tell him that he has to work until he’s 64.

Chancellor Olaf Scholz flies into Athens to attend an economic summit. When he gets to Passport Control, the officer looks at his passport and asks, "Nationality?" He sez, "German." He answers, "Occupation?" He replies, "No, I'm only here for two days."



Any man who reckons marriage is a fifty-fifty proposition doesn't understand two fundamental principles: 1) - Women. 2) – Fractions.

Parting is such sweet sorrow....

                                

By the time you read this, I’ll be cruising around the Norwegian Fjords on the magnificent vessel that is Anthem of the Seas. She is the second ship in Royal Caribbean's Quantum-class, and was the newest ship in the fleet. Royal Caribbean takes great pride in designing their ships with what they call a "wow" factor... and this ship was certainly full of unusual and innovative features that you won't find on most other cruise ships. The most iconic feature of Anthem of the Seas (and her sister ship, Quantum Of The Seas) is the aerial viewing pod known as "NorthStar"...

Whenever someone sez to you "I’m not book clever, but I’m street smart", all I hear is "I’m not real clever, but I’m imaginary smart". Indeed, the books they already possess have all been coloured in with crayons.


                                                                 

It becomes evident that you've put on a lot of weight, when you sit in the bath and the water in the toilet rises. I’ve put on loads of weight lately. My doctor reckons that I have an overactive knife and fork. Mind you, I’ve had a lot on my plate lately. However, I still light up the room, as soon as I move away from the window.

On the same subject, I just had a call from a charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world. I told them to get lost! Anybody who fits into my clothes, certainly ain’t starving!

                                 

  

In an attempt to broaden my knowledge, I’ve joined a wine club. We meet at 9 am in the local park each morning.

The easy way to teach children the value of money is to borrow from them.

The missus sez: "If you follow me upstairs, I'm gonna put on a little black lace number..."  I went into the bedroom and she was playing 'Agaddoo.' on her ipod!  

A tired young doctor got off a night shift at the hospital and stepped into a bar called "Dick's" across the street for a drink. "Hey what can I get you?" asked Dick. "How about a daiquiri?" The bartender makes a drink and slides it down the bar. He takes a sip and loves it. "Whoa! That's great. What's your secret?" "A little bit of almond extract. Gives it a little something extra." The two hit it off and a lifelong friendship develops. One night the doctor enters and like clockwork the bartender goes to make his favourite drink only to realize that all the almond extract is gone. Thinking on his feet he substitutes it with a little hickory on hand. The doctor takes a sip. A little confused, he takes another... "Is this an almond daiquiri, Dick?" "No, it's a hickory daiquiri, Doc."

                      

Barmy Albert asked Non-Stick Nora: “Have you ever heard of Murphy’s Law?” Nora sez: “No. What is it?” Albert replies: “If something can go wrong, it will go wrong.” Nora asked: “Have you ever heard of Cole’s Law?” “No. What is it?” Nora answers: “Thinly sliced raw cabbage with a mayonnaise dressing.”

I see folk mountain climbing and zip lining and here I am feeling good about myself because I got my leg through my undercrackers without falling over!



A woman walks into the Liverpool benefits office, trailed by 15 kids... 'WOW,' the social worker exclaims, 'Are they ALL yours? 'Yeah they are all mine,' the flustered mother sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, 'Sit down Terry.' All the children rush to find seats. 'Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names.' 'This one's my oldest - he is Terry.' 'OK, and who's next?' 'Well, this one he is Terry, also. The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Terry. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Terri. 'All right,' says the caseworker. 'I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Terry?' Their Mother replied, 'Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Terry!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Terry!' an' they all come runnin.' An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Terry' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Terry.' The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, 'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?' 'I call them by their surnames!'

                                         

I am away on abroad gigs now until the end of July, when hopefully this column will return. Have a wonderful summer and get the BBQ cranked up because it’ll be crackin’ the flags!

Would acupuncture cure pins and needles?

                                        

I feel sorry for the Manchester City supporters with this rail strike on the day of the cup final, it's okay for the United fans, they are living only around the corner from Wembley.

The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of the missus, then asked "is this your wife sir?"  Shocked, I answered:  “Yes.”  They informed me: “I’m afraid it looks like she’s been hit by a bus". I sez:  "I know, but she has a jovial personality and she’s good with the dogs.”

Dastardly Derek and Barmy Albert were out hunting up Tintwistle  Woods. They decided to separate to get a better chance of catching summat.  Derek sez to Albert:  "If you get lost, fire three shots into the air every hour. That way I can locate you."    After about 3 hours, Albert found that he was really lost. He decided to fire three shots into the air just like Dexy had told him. He then waited an hour and did it again. He repeated this until he was out of ammo.  The next morning, Derek found him with the help of the forest ranger.  He asked Albert if he had followed the instructions.   Albert answered, "Yes, I fired three shots into the air every hour on the hour until I ran out of arrows."

I’ve always been attracted to older women, primarily because they’ve become used to lifes disappointments.  Which means they are ready for me…

Yesterday, a geezer hit me with his rhythm stick. Now I’m looking for a personal Ian Dury lawyer.

Would acupuncture cure pins and needles?

I’ve become addicted to performing magic tricks. I need to tell the missus, but I’m afraid to pick up a Penn and Teller!

                                         

Last night, I ordered a glass of wine with my dinner and the waiter asked me to show him some I.D.  I asked him if I looked really young and he replied: “No. I’m just checking if you qualify for the O.A.P discount.”

Barmy Albert and Non-Stick Nora went to the local fair every year. Each year Albert would say, “Nora, I’d like to ride in that helicopter” Nora always replied, “ I know, Albert, but that helicopter ride is fifty quid, and fifty quid is fifty quid!” One year Albert and Nora went to the fair, and Albert opined, “Nora, I’m 75 years old. If I don’t ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.” To this, Nora replied, “Albert that helicopter ride is fifty quid, and fifty quid is fifty quid” The pilot overheard the couple and said, “ Folks, I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take the pair of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire flight and don’t say a word, I won’t charge you a shilling! But if you say one word, it’ll cost you fifty pounds.” “Barmy Albert and Non-Stick Nora agreed and up they went. The pilot did all manner of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks, even flying upside down. When they landed, the pilot turned to Albert and said, “By jingo, I did everything I could to get you to scream out, but you didn’t. I’m so impressed!” Albert replied, “Well, to tell you the truth I almost said summat when Nora fell out, but fifty quid is fifty quid!”

                       

I stepped back in amazement and the fella behind me stepped back further because he was amazed at how far back I'd stepped, primarily because I was exasperated with the same old boring jokes that are still being circulated around the pub and at work? I’m sure you are. But no, not me. No sirree! I like the same old boring jokes and that's why I print them right here in this gloppy humour column every available chance I get. Accept me for what I am; completely unacceptable. Click on my joke blog: www.ComedianUK.com or better still email me: comedianuk@sky.com Oh, and If your phone didn’t ring yesterday, then it was me!

                                       

They're not making shortbread any longer....

                            

I bought one of those smart light switches but it was too clever for me. So, I replaced it with a dimmer switch!


I told a joke in a Zoom meeting. No one laughed. It turns out I'm not even remotely funny!


I’ve come to the conclusion that Zoom meetings are akin to a modern séance. With rhetoric like: - “Emma Jayne, are you there?” “Suzie, make a sound, so we can hear you!” “George, is anyone else there with you?” “Joanne, we can’t see you, can you hear us?” Knock once for yes and twice for no!

                              

Non-Stick Nora and Barmy Albert were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the difficulty they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember stuff. The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, Albert got up from his chair and Nora asks, "Where are you going?" Albert replies, "To the kitchenette." Nora asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replies, "Sure." She then asks him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He sez: "No, I can remember that." She replied: "Well I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that." He says, "I’m not stupid! I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replies, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down." With irritation in his voice, Albert shouts: "I don't need to write that down! I can remember all that." He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs. Nora stares at the plate for a moment and says angrily: "I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"

                                     

The teacher asked the class what their favourite animal was and little Albert sez, "Fried chicken." She said that wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else in the class laughed like drains! Albert’s parents told him to always tell the truth. He did. Fried chicken was his favourite animal. Albert told his dad what had happened, and he said his teacher was probably a member of the RSPCA. He said they love animals very much. Albert did too. Especially chicken, preferably the fried variety. Anyway, his teacher dispatched him to the headmaster’s office. Albert told him what had occurred, and he laughed, too! Then he told me not to do it again. The next day in class the teacher asked Albert what his favourite live animal was. He told her it was chicken. She asked him why, so he told her it was because you could make it into fried chicken. She sent Albert back to the headmaster's office. The headmaster chortled and told Albert not to do it again. Albert couldn’t comprehend. His parents taught him to be honest, but his teacher doesn't like it when he is. Today, his teacher asked the class to tell her what famous person they admired most. Albert told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where he is now...

                                  

An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Australian, an American, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serbian, a Czech, and a Swiss bloke went into a pub. The landlord says "Sorry, I can't let any of you in without a Thai"



Elsie Grabknuckles husband has snuffed it. I took her down to the local newspaper office for her to put a notice in the obituaries section. She is short of money and just wanted to keep it brief, 'Fred is dead.' However, it turns out you can have six words for a fiver. Bargain! She put, 'Fred is dead. Volvo for sale.'

                                 

I stepped back in amazement and the fella behind me stepped back further because he was amazed at how far back I'd stepped, primarily because I was exasperated with the same old boring jokes that are still being circulated around the pub and at work? I’m sure you are. But no, not me. No sirree! I like the same old boring jokes and that's why I print them right here in this gloppy humour column every available chance I get. Accept me for what I am; completely unacceptable. Click on my joke blog: www.ComedianUK.com or better still email me: comedianuk@sky.com Oh, and If your phone didn’t ring yesterday, then it was me!