Il n'y a pas de punchline...

                                                   

Best Facebook status of last week was about our new prime minister, Boris Johnson, who as you probably know was educated at Oxford and Eton and excelled in English and Classics. However, on Facebook, Sharon, an overweight, unemployed chav from Toxteth, is of the profound opinion that: “Boris Jonsen is an moran. Cant beleev heez are prime minster”. (sic)



I attended an adventure course last week. Have you tried blindfolded archery? Honestly, you really don't know what you're missing!
                                                                         

I made the big mistake of walking into B & Q today wearing an orange T-shirt. To cut a long story short, it now looks as if I'm covering Derek’s shift on Sunday.



I'm not saying people in my area have appalling teeth, but one woman just smiled in Tesco and the barcode scanner picked it up as a set of saucepans.
                               

To all the folks in Tesco who leave their trolleys at the check-out while dashing to get summat they forgot: It's me who put the condoms and the Preparation H in there...



Horrible weather here last week. Tempestuous rain and fifty mile an hour gales. The missus has done nowt but gaze through the front window. After four hours, I felt quite guilty and decided to let her in...
                                             

I took part in an arthritic charity run. I got first place, even though I was up against some very stiff competition. I’ve always thought that it’s better to do a half marathon, rather than giving up halfway through a marathon.



Thought for Thursday: "It matters not a jot or scintilla whether you win or lose. What really matters is whether I win or lose." Boris Johnson.


Top Tip: Easily convert your settee into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wedding anniversary....

                                           

Q) How do you get Donald Trump to change a lightbulb?
A) Tell him Barack Obama installed it



There are two words in life that will open lots of doors for people. Push and pull.

Non-Stick Nora was asked to provide a reference for Barmy Albert by a company that was considering hiring him. On the firm's form was the question: "Was this person a steady worker?" Since Albert's reputation had always preceded him, Nora just wrote, "Not just steady, but motionless."
Statistics prove that one in every three women is just as difficult and argumentative as the other two...


Are you exasperated with the same old boring jokes that are still being circulated around the pub and at work? Sure you are, but no, not me. No sirree. I like the same old boring jokes and that's why I print them right here in this gloppy humour column every available chance I get. Accept me for what I am; completely unacceptable.Click on my jokeblog: www.comedianuk.com or better still email me: comedianuk@sky.com Oh, and If your phone didn’t ring today, then it was me! Now, get back to work!

                                                         

                   

The Dog That Looked Like Richard Gere!

Apparently, if Gareth Bale moves to China, he’ll be earning a million quid per week! If perchance, I was on a million quid per week, I’d only do the one week. I might even just do two or three days. All these wealthy billionaire soccer players, generally possess no concern whatsoever for their fellow man. They nonchalantly go sailing in tropical climates on their luxury superyachts, with voluptuous, nubile female crew attending their every need. I want to be like that....

When Boris went to see the Queen last week, she looked at him in utter bewilderment and proclaimed: “I thought you’d gone back to America!” Boris then sauntered to 10 Downing St and appointed William Rees-Mogg as Minister of Workhouses. Apparently, the DUP are now demanding border cheques. All MP’s then went on a five week holiday, because there’s absolutely nowt to do! Who'd a thowt it!

I’ve just found out who's been stealing my beetroot. It was Barmy Albert. I caught him red handed!

                                                   

My little dog Alfie winks at me when I come home late at night from a gig. I always wink back at him, just in case it’s some kind of code. He’s a really clever canine. Whenever he has a wee, he puts both his front paws up on the wall and does it stood up, just like a human being. This woman asked me the other day, how long he’d been doing it like that. I replied:”Ever since a wall fell on him...”

Top Tip: If ever you’re getting really annoyed with somebody, then put your brain into gear, before opening your mouth. For instance, if the person is younger than you, then count to ten, before you talk and be reasonable. If perchance, the person is the same age as you, then count to twenty, before venting your spleen. Then again, if the person is much older than you, then count to fifty before you react. If the person is your missus, then keep counting, DON’T TALK!

                                           
                                               

It was roasting hot last Thursday! Phew, what a scorcher. It was 38 degrees and rising! I was complimenting the young lady who lives at the end of my road on the lovely thong that she was wearing. However, she couldn’t hear me through my night-vision binoculars.


Do you have good neighbours? I most certainly don’t. Royal Mail called last week and sez: “I’ve got a parcel for next door.” I replied: “You’ve got the wrong house then, mate!” The bloke over the road is a proper psychopath. He was banging on my front door at 3 am last Wednesday morning. Luckily, I was still up playing my bagpipes.


I cleared out my grandmother’s house over the weekend. I put the good stuff on eBay and I took the rest down to the charity shop, I then went to the estate agent and put her house on the market, I can’t wait to see her face when she gets back from bingo.

                                 

Thursday Quote: “Doubt thou the stars are fire, Doubt that the sun doth move, Doubt truth to be a liar, but never doubt I love." William Shakespeare.


If you read this weekly column regularly, then you help to make unimportant world decisions dealing with irrelevant, uncomplicated issues that influence insignificant amounts of human lives. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com
                                 

In The Year 2525...

                                                   

           
Cast your mind toward the future! In the year 2525, Earth is now a member of The Federation of Planets, but without the United Kingdom, which is still trying to leave the EU. Who’d a thowt it?



Despite having never ever seen a dartboard, let alone thrown a dart, Barmy Albert decided to join the team at our local pub, The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife in order to immerse himself into team work ethics, male bonding and wallow in the ensuing camaraderie. "Right! What do I have to do?” he asked excitedly on his first visit to the pub. "As it's your first game" I replied "I've decided to put you in goal"

                                   

According to a survey, Vienna is the best place to live in Europe. It Means Nothing To Me.



I called into the butcher’s yesterday morning and asked for a load of tripe. He gave me a DVD box set of Love Island!

                                                         
Neil Armstrong said: “One small step for man. One giant leap for mankind”. Buzz Aldrin retorted: “I don’t know how a cow jumped over this!”
                                   

It's really strange how the missus waits for me in the kitchen all night till I come back from the pub, just to ask me what time it is. Ridiculous behaviour!



"Hello. Is that 118-118? I need the number of Classix Insurance Company. I'll spell that for you. That's C as in cadence, A as in aye, S as in sea, E as in eye, W as in why, A as in are and Y as in you." "Just a minute, sir. I'll connect you with my supervisor."

                                 

The chemistry professor was demonstrating the properties of various acids. "Now I’m dropping this solid gold coin into this glass of hydrochloric acid. Will it dissolve?" "No, sir," a student called out. "No?" queried the professor. "Perhaps you can explain why the gold coin won’t dissolve." "Because if it would, then you wouldn’t have dropped it in."


                                           

Sometimes, you may be dissatisfied with your life, whereas many folk in this world are dreaming of living your life. A child on a farm sees a plane fly overhead and dreams of flying, but, a pilot on the plane sees the farmhouse and dreams of returning home. That’s life! Enjoy yours. If wealth is the secret to happiness, then the rich should be dancing on the streets. But only poor kids do that. If power ensures security, then officials should walk unguarded. But those who live simply sleep soundly. If beauty and fame bring ideal relationships, then celebrities should have the best marriages. Live simply. Walk humbly and love genuinely. All good will come back to you. When you’ve done all that gubbins, then visit my website for a chortle! Click on: www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Now, get back to work!

                                                                   

           

THAT Time of Year.....

                                             

Because it is ‘that’ time of year and we are all about to enter the brief barbecue season, I thought it might be wise to outline the official rules of play. You will be aware that tempestuous rain (in monsoon proportions) will probably batter the UK during summertime, so I consider that it is of great importance to refresh your memory on the appropriate etiquette and ensuing protocol that must be strictly adhered to with regard to this sublime alfresco catering scenario.



Women, listen up! Let’s get it straight, when a man volunteers to do the barbecue, a sequence of events are put into motion:



(1) The woman will attend the supermarket ‘early doors’ and make any necessary purchases of food and accompanying comestibles.

(2) The woman will marinade all meat, prepare and make good any salad, bake jacket spuds in tin-foil, accompanied by any other miscellaneous vegetables, such as asparagus, wrapped in Parma ham. Further extreme care should be taken when making a nice pudding, such as my fave apple and almond cake. Custard should contain no lumps and should therefore be sieved through a stocking.

(3) The woman prepares and seasons the meat (prior to cremation), subsequently placing it on a platter, along with the requisite cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is languishing beside the grill, larruping ale down his neck. Note: He has a beer in each hand, in an effort to maintain the correct balance.

(4) The woman remains outside the mandatory three yard exclusion zone where  the exuberance of testosterone and other male bonding activities can manifest themselves,  without the interference of the aforementioned mithering female.



Here comes the important part:

(5) The male of the species will then place the meat on the grill.

(6) The woman goes inside to organise any requisite crockery, cutlery and other accessories.

(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking superb. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat over, thereby engaging in a system of strict rotation.

(8) The man removes meat from grill and will then pass it to the woman for administration purposes.

(9) The woman prepares the crockery, cutlery, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, condiments,

sauces, and fetches the same to the table. If she is unable to do this all at once, then she should make several trips.

(10) After the man and all the kids finish scoffing all the grub, the woman shall then clear and wipe down the table and stack the dishwasher accordingly.

(11) Everyone praises the MAN and thanks HIM for his culinary expertise and efforts.

(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed her ‘night off ‘and, upon seeing her gobsmacked countenance and flabbergasted reaction (she has a face like a murderers labourer), concludes that there's just no pleasing some women!



Remember folks, no matter how much you push the envelope it will still be stationery! If you want to keep up with all the latest jocular gubbins, then visit my website. Just clickety-click on: www.ComedianUK.com and visit my all new Jokey-Bloggington for a chortle and a guffaw. You can email me too: comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work!


                             

The Wimbledon Moment....

                                                   
      

My most memorable Wimbledon moment of all time? It was definitely when they beat Liverpool in the 1988 FA Cup Final.



Barmy Albert asked me how much cup final tickets were these days . I sez: "About £100 mate." He replied "You could get a high class call girl for that kinda money!" I sez: "Yeah, but not with 45 minutes each way and a meat pie followed by a brass band playing in the middle..."

                                             

When it was snowing in January, I got a case of Stella from the supermarket and stayed in and watched Netflix. It was raining a week ago, so I sauntered into Wetherspoons and quaffed a few gin & tonics. When it was sunny yesterday, I had a couple of bottles of Chardonnay in the garden. I’m beginning to think that I have a serious problem with the weather....



I sez to the missus yesterday morning, "I was just reading in a scientific paper, how blades of grass can actually feel pain. Truly amazing isn't it?" She replied, "Nice try, fishface. Now go and get the lawnmower out of the garage." I reckon that grass grows in direct proportion to your unwillingness to mow it. One thing is for sure. If I drag the barbecue out of the garage, it’ll start lagging it down.



I told my son, “You will marry the girl I choose.” He said, “No way!” I told him, “She is Bill Gates’ daughter.” He said, “Okay.” I called Bill Gates and said, “I want your daughter to marry my son.”
Bill Gates said, “No way!” I told Bill Gates, My son is the CEO of World Bank.” Bill Gates said, “Okay.”
I called the President of World Bank and asked him to make my son the CEO. He said, “No way!”
I told him, “My son is Bill Gates’ son-in-law.” He said, “Okay.” Now you know how politics work.

                                   

The wife and I went to a fancy dress party as a couple of armed bank robbers last weekend. We had a great time. Well, I did. She was sat outside in the car, with the engine running.



Are you ever worried that your teeth will be stained after a night drinking copious bottles of red wine? Well, simply slurp down a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains. Do you already have yellow teeth? Try wearing a brown tie and go walkabout on an autumn day.

                                 

Real time slows as you approach the speed of light, whereas time flies when you’re having fun! So if you go slower. Do you have more fun or do you just get more light? Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com Email me: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work! Summer is here!

                                                              

The Petition....

Boris has clarified his position. He has said: "If you feel we should have a referendum about having a referendum regarding the referendum and that this referendum be based on the referendum held prior to the first referendum then this referendum will only be valid if a further referendum is held amongst those who voted in the first referendum thereby making the referendum first and foremost the referendum to be taken as agreed by all parties and that should sort it all out except for the people who don’t agree with the above and we can just ignore them. Moreover, if we had a second referendum and Remoaners won by 53% of the vote, would a third referendum be then required? I find it all quite disconcerting..."



Many moons ago, I had the ‘snip’ or to give it it’s proper moniker, a vasectomy.. the doctor assured me that I wouldn't have children any longer. Imagine my surprise, when I returned home from the hospital and discovered the little bastards were all still there!

                                             

The wife is not happy with my new keep fit regime. She had a go at me the other day about it. She sez: “You’ve been out five nights running!” To make matters worse, I went on the rowing machine yesterday and it sank.

I will never understand why my fridge has a picture of a carrot on the beer drawer!

Barmy Albert and Non-Stick Nora were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the front door. Albert gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance," remonstrated Albert, "It is 3am in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked Nora. "Just some drunken idiot asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not, it is 3 am in the morning and it's bloomin’well pouring with tempestuous rain out there!" "Well, you have a short memory," declared Nora. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two blokes helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too you know." Barmy Albert does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?" "Yes," comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?" calls out Albert. "Yes, please!" came the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" asks Albert.   "Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.

                               

Wit is often a mask. If you could peer behind its gossamer façade, you would find either genius meandering or chutzpah sauntering. That’s why you should never let your mind wander. Summat that small shouldn’t be out on its own. Nurse, fetch the screens! Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com


                             

The Beautiful Game....

                               

Yesterday morning was totally surreal! First, I found a hat stuffed with loads of money and then I got chased by some angry bloke with a guitar! Weird!



Barmy Albert asked Non-Stick Nora: "What's that you're reading?" Nora replied, "It's a diary." Albert enquired: "What's in it?" Nora replies "I can't tell you that. A diary is a highly personal and confidential affair. It has important secret dreams and secret yearnings. It's private. It's not meant to be shared with other people. Besides, this diary belongs to Elsie Grabknuckle....”

                            

I went to watch my lad play football after school yesterday. During the game, the referee blew his whistle and declared that my son was in an offside position. I ran onto the pitch and said, "Listen here, you sken-eyed cretin, you're a flamin’ moron, and you're lucky I don't wallop you one round the ear hole!" The referee walked over and said, "Do you always speak to your son like this?"


                                

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.



Thought for Thursday: Never give yourself a haircut after four large gin and tonics...


Having said that, my missus has stood by me for twelve years. We only have one chair.


                                                                

"Have you ever seen twenty pounds all crumpled up?" asked the wife. "No," I said. She gave me a cheeky little smile, then reached into her purse and pulled out a crumpled twenty quid note, all screwed up into a little ball. "Have you ever seen fifty quid all crumpled up?" she asked. "Nope," I exclaimed. She gave me another little smile, reached into her purse once again, and produced a crumpled fifty pound note. "Right-ho!" she said, "Have you ever seen twenty thousand quid all crumpled up?" "Definitely not" I lamented, in an intrigued fashion. "Well, go and have a quick shufty in the garage." Well, at least I know one thing for sure now. The airbag works!



My friend, Eric Figgis has failed his Aboriginal music exam. I couldn’t resist asking him, “Did ya redo it?”



Fascinating Fact: We all know Albert Einstein was a genius. However, are you aware that his brother Frank was a bit of a monster? Well, you read it here first, folks!

                                                 

I went back to see the doctor this morning. I sez, "When I applied the haemorrhoid ointment that you prescribed me last week, I got a very nasty reaction." "Where exactly did you apply it?" he asked. I replied, "On the bus."


                                                   
                                                     

Don't let stress kill you off! Why not let me help? By reading this column regularly you will exercise your guffaw glands and chortle at all the fine jokes, superb entertainment and gracious hostility. Why not visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com or better still, gizzus a tweet on twitter.com/comedianuk You can email me too! comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work!