Awareness Awareness Week.....

                                                   
BREAKING NEWS: A 47 year old Indian man from Manchester has been arrested by police for punching his wife in the face. Chinda Gudunproppa denies the charge....

                           

           

Next week is Awareness Awareness Week. If you are unaware of awareness and would like to be more aware of the fact that you are unaware, then Awareness Awareness Week could be for you.

                                 

The taxi driver spouted inane drivel from the moment he picked me up. A barrage of unrelenting addlepated blather assaulted my lugholes. He informed me: “I just love my job, me. I’m self-employed. I’m my own boss and nobody ever tells me what to do.” I sez to him, “Next left here, mate.”

                                           

The school phoned me today and sez, "Your son's been telling lies again and has to do detention." I replied, "Well, tell him he's very good - I ain't got a son!"


                                                     

I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.

                               

The sweater I got for Christmas kept picking up static electricity so I took it back to the shop and exchanged it for another one, free of charge...


                                           

Breaking News: Medical researchers have announced today that they have discovered a hitherto unknown malady, known as Gubbins Syndrome, which has no symptoms whatsoever. It is impossible to detect and has no known cure. Fortunately, no cases have been reported as yet....

                                               

The wife and I went to see a marriage guidance councillor last Tuesday. He asked if I knew what her favourite flower was. I held her hand and looked lovingly into her eyes and replied, "I know this one, it's Homepride isn't it?"


                                 

I've recently conducted some research into the effect alcohol has on physical movement.
The results were, quite frankly, staggering! There’s one thing I can’t stand when I’m drunk. Up!


                           

I met a homeless man sitting on a bench; I asked him how he ended up this way. He said: "Up until last week, I still had it all. I had a roof over my head, three meals a day, my clothes were washed and pressed, I had TV, internet, I went to the gym every day, the library, even school if I wanted." I asked him, "What happened? Drugs, alcoholism, divorce?" "Oh no! Nowt like that." he exclaimed. “I just got out of prison..."

                                   

                                     

Fascinating Fact: The average person will walk nine hundred miles per year and will drink on an average, a staggering twenty-seven gallons of beer. That's an average of 41 miles to the gallon. I get about 90 miles to the gallon, give or take the odd 100 litres.

                                             

Have you ever possessed an overwhelming desire to stand in the centre of the living room and just whizz around in circles, but hesitated, because you were concerned that you'd get quite dizzy? Of course you have. Haven't we all? Visit my website www.ComedianUK.com and never worry about getting dizzy if you assume a comical position and strike da pose!   You can follow me on www.twitter.com/comedianuk
Now, get back to work!

                         

Definitions.....

                            

ADULT - A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOUR - A place where women curl up and dye.

CHICKENS - The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE - A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST - Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST - Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF - Cold Storage.

INFLATION - Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO - An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN - A grape with a sunburn.

SECRET - Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON - A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE - The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW - One of the greatest labour saving devices of today.

YAWN - An honest opinion openly expressed.

And MY Personal Favourite!!

WRINKLES - Something other people have. Similar to my character lines.

                   

Are You A Doctor?

                                     

Last weekend, a bloke came off his motorbike right outside my house. There was a gaggle of folk meandering around him, so I went out and shouted, “Let me through!” This woman asked me, “Are you a doctor?” I replied, “No. He’s got my pizza!”
                           

An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. “In English,” he said, “a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative … But there isn’t a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative.” A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”

                                

I'd just layed two intricate place settings at the dining table, using the best cutlery and crockery and then the missus walked in and sez, "Ooooh, this a surprise!" I looked at her and replied, "Too flamin' right it is. I didn't expect you back until Friday!"

                                  

How do so many people get simple sayings wrong? Answers on a coastguard, please. I’ve been there, done that and got the Tea-bag. The bloke who invented predictive text sadly passed away last week. His funfair will be healed on Sundial.


                       

They had known each other for a number of years being high school classmates and having attended class reunions in the past without fail. This 60th anniversary of their class, the widower and the widow made a foursome with two other singles. They had a wonderful evening, their spirits high. The widower throwing admiring glances across the table. The widow, smiling coyly back at him. Finally, he picked up courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?" After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered, "Yes,..... yes I will!"

The evening ended on a happy note for the widower. But the next morning he was troubled.

Did she say “Yes” or did she say “No?” He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. He went over the conversation of the previous evening, but his mind was blank. He remembered asking the question but for the life of him could not recall her response. With fear and trepidation he picked up the phone and called her. First, he explained that he couldn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the past evening. As he gained a little more courage he then inquired of her. "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say “Yes” or did you say “No?” "Why you silly man, I said ‘Yes. Yes I will.’ And I meant it with all my heart." The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat. Then she continued. "And I am so glad you called because I couldn't remember who asked me!”
                              

Real time slows as you approach the speed of light, whereas time flies when you’re having fun! So if you go slower. Do you have more fun or do you just get more light? Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com Email me: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work.




                           

The Current State.....

                                  

I sez to the missus, "Let's have your esteemed opinion on the current state of Premier League football?" "It's rubbish." she replied. "Total garbage." "More than likely," I sez, "but I'd love to hear it anyway...."

                                            

I was driving through Broadbottom village yesterday and saw a sign which read 'Max Speed 20'. I thought, "Many happy returns, Max. Have a superb day!



Beware! Sauntering into a restaurant dressed as a lobster can land you in hot water!

                                                       

Barmy Albert’s boss asked him: "Do you think you can come in on Saturday and Sunday this week? I know you do stuff at weekends, but I need you to work." "Yeah, no problem. I'll probably be late though as the public transport is horrendous at weekends." "Okay, when do you think you'll get here then?" Albert replied:"Monday."

                                             

WEATHER WARNING!
Southerners: Snow, ice & blizzards are expected at weekend, so you are advised to remain indoors and not to travel. Northerners: You'll need your big coat....



                                                         

I checked and double checked the numbers, but I still could not believe it. 9-15 21-4 20-17.
I had finally done it! After many years of trying, I had finally got a hospital appointment.

When I was eventually admitted, the consultant told me that I had summat very rare. I asked him what it was and he replied, “A bed.” Meanwhile, in the adjacent ward this bloke was rescued from a building fire. He told the doctor "I have been here now for ages and all I'm getting to eat is haggis,tatties and neeps for every meal. The Doctor sez "What do you expect, this is the Burns Unit!"

                            

Yesterday, my elderly neighbour knocked on my door. "Can you open a bottle of gin for me?" he asked. "Of course," I replied. "Superb," he said, staggering in. "I've brought some tonic water."


                                      

Last Eastertide, whilst in America, my daughter and I went shopping in Wal-Mart. I asked the assistant if they had any Kinder eggs. "Oh no, sir, we don't sell them in the States - they are a health hazard!" "Okay," I replied. "I'll just take these two automatic AK47 assault rifles then."

Thought for Thursday: The fact that there is a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven, says a lot about the anticipated traffic load.
                                                    

I texted my daughter, asking her: ‘What Are You Doing Right Now?’ She texted back saying, ‘Probably failing my driving test...’ Apparently, her driving instructor told her to pull over somewhere safe. Two minutes later he asked her, "Why haven't you pulled over yet?" She said, "Because we're still in Doveholes."

                                                

If I could offer you some advice for the future: Dance like you are mortally injured. Make love like your being filmed and you need the money. Work when people are watching. Dress up in Lycra. Always leave a false name. Be legendary. Believe in Karma.If at first you don’t succeed, then redefine success. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com


                                                 

Meanwhile on Mount Rushmore......

Trumps Inauguration....

  

It’s Donald Trump’s inauguration this week. He will pledge:” I’ll lead the country, with the best of my ability, which is terrific ability, by the way, because most folk agree that I have fantastic ability, so there’s no problem with my ability, you can trust my ability, believe me. We’re gonna build a wall and Pink Floyd will play for The Wall.....” I met an American guy in Manchester last week. He sez, “You see that building over there. Well, back in the States, we have buildings a hundred times bigger!” I replied, “Yeah, but that building is a lunatic asylum!”

                                   

Innit awful gerrin auld? Signs of ageing are when you're 18 around the neck, 44 around the waist, and 95 around the golf course. You can't remember the last time you lay on the floor to watch Jeremy Kyle. You have a party and the neighbours don't even realise it. . You start to believe in the hereafter. You run upstairs and think, ‘What have I come up here after?’

                                   

A geezer put his four year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, "God bless Mummy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa." The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?' The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the correct thing to do." The next day grandad died! The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, "God bless Mummy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma." The next day the grandmother died. Wow! "Holy Gubbins!" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side." Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed, the dad heard her say, "God bless Mummy and good-bye Daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was sweating like a Mexican bricklayer all day, couldn’t eat lunch and watched the clock. He reckoned if he could get by until midnight, then he would be alright. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived. He breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said, "I've never known you work so late. Wassup?" He sez, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life." She said, "You think you had a rotten day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning the milkman dropped dead on the front doorstep!"



                                     

If you read this weekly column regularly, then you help to make unimportant world decisions dealing with irrelevant, uncomplicated issues that influence insignificant amounts of human lives. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com

                             

Homo-Slackarse-Erectus.....

They are referred to as “homo slackarse-erectus” created by natural genetic downward evolution through constant spineless posturing and spasmodic upper limb gestures, which new research has shown to cause shorter legs and an inability to ambulate other than in an awkward shuffling gait.
The "drag-crotch" shape also seems to effect brain function. Expect no eye contact or intelligent verbal communication. History shows that this species mostly receives DSS, Housing Benefit, and full government care.   Unfortunately most are highly fertile.