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Sunday 15 January 2017

Trumps Inauguration....


It’s Donald Trump’s inauguration this week. He will pledge:” I’ll lead the country, with the best of my ability, which is terrific ability, by the way, because most folk agree that I have fantastic ability, so there’s no problem with my ability, you can trust my ability, believe me. We’re gonna build a wall and Pink Floyd will play for The Wall.....” I met an American guy in Manchester last week. He sez, “You see that building over there. Well, back in the States, we have buildings a hundred times bigger!” I replied, “Yeah, but that building is a lunatic asylum!”


Innit awful gerrin auld? Signs of ageing are when you're 18 around the neck, 44 around the waist, and 95 around the golf course. You can't remember the last time you lay on the floor to watch Jeremy Kyle. You have a party and the neighbours don't even realise it. . You start to believe in the hereafter. You run upstairs and think, ‘What have I come up here after?’


A geezer put his four year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, "God bless Mummy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa." The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?' The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the correct thing to do." The next day grandad died! The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, "God bless Mummy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma." The next day the grandmother died. Wow! "Holy Gubbins!" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side." Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed, the dad heard her say, "God bless Mummy and good-bye Daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was sweating like a Mexican bricklayer all day, couldn’t eat lunch and watched the clock. He reckoned if he could get by until midnight, then he would be alright. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived. He breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said, "I've never known you work so late. Wassup?" He sez, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life." She said, "You think you had a rotten day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning the milkman dropped dead on the front doorstep!"


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