Happy New 2017! Even though we've been together for almost a decade, I find out something new about my missus every single day. Today I discovered she goes crazy if you cook bacon with her hair straighteners!
She bought me a thesaurus for Christmas. I looked through it, only to discover that all the pages are blank. There are no words to describe how disappointed I am!
I was talking down the last of the Christmas decorations and I went and dropped the flaming’ box of drawing pins so I spent half-an-hour picking them up. I think I've found them all but just in case I haven’t; I hid the wife's slippers!
It was New Years Day, when after a morning fishing in the ocean, a bloke is walking from the pier carrying two lobsters in a bucket. He is approached by a Game Warden (who looks suspiciously like Blakey from ‘On The Buses’) asks him for his fishing licence. The fisherman informs the warden: "I did not catch these lobsters, they are my pets. Every day I come down to the water and whistle and these lobsters jump out and I take them for a walk only to return them at the end of the day”. Friends with lobsters? Hmmmm. The warden, not believing him, reminds him that it is illegal to fish without a licence. The fisherman turns to the warden and says: "If you don't believe me, then watch," as he throws the lobsters back into the water. The warden says: "Now whistle to your lobsters and show me that they will come out of the water." The fisherman turns to the warden and sez: "Lobsters? What lobsters?"
There were copious celebrity deaths in 2016. Yet another celeb demise was Eric Figgis, the renowned budgerigar impersonator, who sadly passed away. His funeral today was attended by a few showbiz friends and then we flushed him down the toilet.
Barmy Albert ended up in the canal again! Apparently, on New Years Eve, he had a new boozing partner. Non-Stick Nora sez that he was drinking with Gusto!
2017 Resolutions! Get out of your old rut. Start a new rut. Spread malicious rumours on a daily basis. Stop returning things you borrow. Quit your job to pursue your lifelong dream of becoming a window cleaner. Celebrate Christmas every day. Leave the decorations and the tree up until next year.
In 2017, remember, those who matter most to you, those who never did and those who won't anymore. Moreover, the important ones, who always will. Never worry about the people from your past, because there’s good reason why they never made it to your future. Visit my website: www.Comedian.ws and continue the quest! You can email me: comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work! Happy New Year to all my readers!!
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