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Sunday 8 January 2017

The Long New Year.....

QUOTE: I've never paid for sex. That said, I have had a lot of hookers chase me down the street - Bob Monkhouse.

It’s always a tad quiet on the showbiz front in January, so I sauntered down to the local Job Centre to see if any alternative employment opportunities beckoned. The clerk (She had a face like a murderers labourer) curtly informed yours truly that the only vacancies currently available were in data processing. I told her that I was unable to use a computer. She looked at me with much disdain and sez, “You can’t use a computer! Are you some kind of retard?” With all the dignity that I could muster, I replied, “No. It’s a condition of my bail....”


Even this long after Christmastide, the missus is still not talking to me. But honestly, how was I supposed to know she didn't mean gift vouchers for the Spar? We've been together for almost a decade and I find out something new about the wife (I call her Viking, because she has a face like a Norse) every single day. Today I discovered she goes crackers if you cook bacon with her hair straighteners!


FOR SALE: Slightly used Christmas tree, only one month old. Branches a tad floppy. Many needles missing. Will include wilted fairy. Cost me £60. Will accept £40. Serious inquiries only...

My father used to take me to school every day. He had to do. He was in the same class! I was terrible at spelling when I was at school. I did however, excel at Jograffy though. My dad worked for many years at a factory that manufactured toilet rolls and light bulbs. Well, I think he did, because that’s all he ever brought home. He always encouraged me to save my money in a big grey metal box that was situated underneath the scullery sink. It was many years later that I discovered that it was actually a gas meter!


Talk about exotic pastimes! If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks. It cost Barmy Albert an arm and a leg!


Over Christmas & New Year, we had family from far and wide visiting. Everyone was encouraged to bring all their kids too. During dinner my four-year-old niece stared at me sitting across from her. The girl could hardly eat her food for staring. I checked my shirt for spots, felt my face for food, patted my hair in place but nothing stopped her from staring at me. I tried my best to just ignore her but finally it was too much for me. Smiling, I finally asked her "Why are you staring at me?" Everyone at the table had noticed her behaviour and the table went quiet for her response. My little niece said "I'm just waiting to see how you drink like a fish."


If any of my readers know how to repair or replace some broken hinges, my door is always open.


2017 Resolutions! Get out of your old rut. Start a new rut. Spread malicious rumours on a daily basis. Stop returning things you borrow. Quit your job to pursue your lifelong dream of becoming a window cleaner. Celebrate Christmas every day. Leave the decorations and the tree up until next year. Visit my website: and continue the quest! You can email me: Now, get back to work!


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