I sez to the missus, "Let's have your esteemed opinion on the current state of Premier League football?" "It's rubbish." she replied. "Total garbage." "More than likely," I sez, "but I'd love to hear it anyway...."
I was driving through Broadbottom village yesterday and saw a sign which read 'Max Speed 20'. I thought, "Many happy returns, Max. Have a superb day!
Beware! Sauntering into a restaurant dressed as a lobster can land you in hot water!
Barmy Albert’s boss asked him: "Do you think you can come in on Saturday and Sunday this week? I know you do stuff at weekends, but I need you to work." "Yeah, no problem. I'll probably be late though as the public transport is horrendous at weekends." "Okay, when do you think you'll get here then?" Albert replied:"Monday."
WEATHER WARNING!
Southerners: Snow, ice & blizzards are expected at weekend, so you are advised to remain indoors and not to travel. Northerners: You'll need your big coat....
I checked and double checked the numbers, but I still could not believe it. 9-15 21-4 20-17.
I had finally done it! After many years of trying, I had finally got a hospital appointment.
When I was eventually admitted, the consultant told me that I had summat very rare. I asked him what it was and he replied, “A bed.” Meanwhile, in the adjacent ward this bloke was rescued from a building fire. He told the doctor "I have been here now for ages and all I'm getting to eat is haggis,tatties and neeps for every meal. The Doctor sez "What do you expect, this is the Burns Unit!"
Yesterday, my elderly neighbour knocked on my door. "Can you open a bottle of gin for me?" he asked. "Of course," I replied. "Superb," he said, staggering in. "I've brought some tonic water."
Last Eastertide, whilst in America, my daughter and I went shopping in Wal-Mart. I asked the assistant if they had any Kinder eggs. "Oh no, sir, we don't sell them in the States - they are a health hazard!" "Okay," I replied. "I'll just take these two automatic AK47 assault rifles then."
Thought for Thursday: The fact that there is a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven, says a lot about the anticipated traffic load.
I texted my daughter, asking her: ‘What Are You Doing Right Now?’ She texted back saying, ‘Probably failing my driving test...’ Apparently, her driving instructor told her to pull over somewhere safe. Two minutes later he asked her, "Why haven't you pulled over yet?" She said, "Because we're still in Doveholes."
If I could offer you some advice for the future: Dance like you are mortally injured. Make love like your being filmed and you need the money. Work when people are watching. Dress up in Lycra. Always leave a false name. Be legendary. Believe in Karma.If at first you don’t succeed, then redefine success. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com
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