Confessions of a Chauvinist...

   

Hey men! Listen up! It is most imperative for all us lads to take into account, that as our wives get older, it will be inevitable that she will become unable to maintain the same level of housekeeping as when
she was a young filly. When you notice this, do your utmost not to bellow at her. Many
females are oversensitive and there’s nothing more infuriating than an oversensitive woman. Let me relate how I handled the situation with the missus, (I call her ‘Narnia’, because she has hair like a lion, looks like a witch and is the size of a wardrobe). When I took 'early retirement' last year, it became necessary for Narnia to get a full-time job, primarily for beer tokens.

Within just a year from commencing full time employment, I noticed she was beginning to age rapidly. I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she arrives back from work. Although she is aware of how famished I am, she usually says that she must recuperate for half an hour or so, prior to starting cooking. I will never harangue her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me up when she finally gets dinner on the table.

I generally have lunch in the restaurant at the club, so eating out is not an option. I’m ready for some home- cooked nosh when I get home. In days of yore, she would stack the dishwasher as soon as we finished eating. But now, it’s not unusual for copious items of crockery and cutlery to sit festering on the kitchenette worktop for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won’t clean themselves. I know she appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she retires to bed. She starts work early (she is a Gritter over the Snake Pass). I really think my experience as an entertainer helps a lot. I consider telling people what they ought to do, in a jocular fashion; it’s one of my main talents. Now that she is akin to a trainee corpse, (she has a face like a pirate’s flag) she does seem to get knackered so much faster than she used to do, back in the day. However, I have begun to accept this.

Our washer and dryer are in the garage. Sometimes she curtly informs me that she is utterly exhausted and is physically unable to undertake yet another foray down those stone flags. I don’t blow the matter out of proportion and exacerbate this unfortunate scenario; as long as she finishes all the laundry the next evening, I’m willing to overlook it. Not only that, but unless I need something ironed to wear to the Monday Masonic Lodge meeting, Wednesday’s or Saturday’s lap-dancing club, or to Tuesday’s bowling, or Thursday's billiard match or summat similar, I will tell her to wait until the next evening to do the ironing. This gives her a little more time to perform a veritable smorgasbord of domestic tasks, that she may have inadvertently neglected, such as 'bottoming' the skirting boards, delousing  the dog, getting down on her hands and knees to vigorously scrub the scullery floor tiles, or steam cleaning the oven. (thereby removing built-up grease and other disgusting charred detritus).  It’s all a matter of getting her fundamental chores into better perspective.

Another symptom of ageing is perpetual whinging. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to clean and gut the fish that I caught, while I was out with the boys at the cabin over the weekend. But hey lads! We take them for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three hours. That way, she won’t have to rush about too much. When she’s taking out the rubbish bins, she remonstrates they are very heavy, so I advise her to make two or three trips. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn’t affect her at all (if you get my drift). I genuinely like to think that tact is one of my stronger points.

                                 

                             

My Parents Taught Me.....

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL  DONE .
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My father taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC ..
"If you fall out of that tree and break your leg, don't come running to me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My father taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Just you look at that tide mark on the back of your neck?"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that broccoli is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out..."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it from your father when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My father taught me HUMOR."When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand.

25. My father taught me about JUSTICE .
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you !"

                    

The following questions were set in last year's GCSE examination

These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)

 

Q. Name the four seasons
A.. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

 

Q. How is dew formed
A.. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

 

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A.. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

 

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A.. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

 

Q. What are steroids
 A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now, there is little hope)

 

Q... What happens to your body as you age
A.. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

 

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A.. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)

 

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A.. Premature death

 

Q. What is artificial insemination
A... When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

 

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A.. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)


Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g. The abdomen)
A.. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity.  The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O,U (?) 

 

Q. What is the fibula?
A.. A small lie

 

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A.. Nearby

 

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A.. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium (That would work)


Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A.. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

 

Q. What is a seizure?
A.. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

 

Q. What is a terminal illness
 A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)


Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A.. Benign is what you will be after you be eight (brilliant)


Q. What is a turbine?
A.. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head. Once a Arab boy reaches puberty, he removes his nappy and wraps it around his head. (now we’re getting somewhere)

 

 

                                       

Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk ....

Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk ..

a) Innovative
b) Preliminary
c) Proliferation


Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk . .

a) Specificity
b) British Constitution
c) Passive-aggressive disorder
d) Transubstantiate

Things that are COMPLETELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk ...

a) Thanks for the offer, but I don't want to come back to your place.
b) Nope, no more beer for me, I've had enough.
c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
d) No kebab for me, thank you.
e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
f) I'm not interested in fighting you.
g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.
h) I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination.
I) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.
j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.
k) Look, it would be great to sleep with you but I hardly know you.
l) That guy is looking at my wife but I am sure its just because he knows her or something. I'm not going to worry about it.
m) That chair looks wobbly and dangerous and I certainly wouldn't try balancing on it with this short skirt on in case I fell off.
n) I must get to my bed as I could never have a really good sleep in that hedge / pavement / skip.
o) I really believe in staying sober
p) I honestly don't think the rest of the city centre wants to see my bare arse.
q) No..you are not my bestest mate in the whole world. I've only known you for a few hours.
r) I'm sure those young women are extremely intelligent and have wonderful personalities.
s) Im sure my feet would be damaged for life if I take my shoes off and walk all the way home.
t) A cocktail followed by 4 tequilas ....surely that would be no good for my insides.
u) Me? go for a pee in the men's toilet because the ladies queue is too long? I don't think so.
v) I`ll just have a big glass of water before I go to bed so I don't have a hangover in the morning.
w) Of course I'm happy to pay the boundary charge, driver.
x) There goes last orders, just make mine a Coca-Cola.
y) Flipping folly folly foxtrot heck.
z) Chip shop ? No thanks, I'm on a low fat diet.


                             

                                         

The Newlyweds...

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband,
although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and have a few beers with 

all the boys. So, he said to his new wife: 'Darling, I'll be right back.'

'Where are you going, honey bunch?' asked the wife.

'I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer.'

The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?'

She went and opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25
different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany , Holland ,
Japan, India , etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could
think of saying was, 'Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they
have frozen glasses...'

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him
by saying,

'You want a frozen glass, puppy face?'

She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was
getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, tootsie roll, but at the Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise.. OK?'

'You want hors d'oeuvres, poochie -pooh?'

She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors doeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps,pork strips,

etc.

'But my sweet honey... At the bar... You know...there's swearing, dirty words and all that...'

'You want dirty words, you bastard? Drink your fucking beer in your
twatting frozen mug and eat your shitty snacks, because you are married now,

and you aren't going anywhere! Got it, Asshole?'

so he stayed home............




........and, they lived happily ever after.

                             

The Homeless Guy...

Barmy Albert and Non-Stick Nora were married for many years. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. Albert would shout, "When I kick the bucket, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!" Neighbours hated the cantankerous Albert, however, he liked the fact that he was disliked. Then one evening, he snuffed it, when he was 98. After the burial, Nora's neighbours were concerned for her wellbeing, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?" Non-Stick Nora replied, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down ... and I know for a fact that he won't ask for directions."

Yesterday morning, in Manchester city centre, I saw a homeless fella snoring his head off, inside a big cardboard box outside Piccadilly station. Not wishing to disturb his slumber, I crept over and carefully placed a large Starbucks coffee cup on top of his box. He awakened immediately and cheerily exclaimed, "Cheers mate, thank you very much." "No problem." I replied. He looked at me again and shouted, "Oi! It's empty!" I replied, "I know. It's supposed to be a chimney pot."


Employee: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?
Boss: Sure, come on in … What can I do for you?
Employee: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.
Boss: Yes.
Employee: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a rise. I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first.
Boss: A raise? I would love to give you a rise, but this is just not the right time.
Employee: I understand your position, and I know that the current economic down turn has had a negative impact on sales, But you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro-activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade.
Boss: Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you a ten per cent raise and an extra five days of vacation time. How does that sound?
Employee: Great! It's a deal. Thank you, sir!
Boss: Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies are after you?

Employee: Oh, British Gas, United Utilities Water, Council Tax and the Halifax Mortgage Company!

Right. That's it! As from today, I've made the decision to quit being a pessimist. It would have never worked out in any event.

If I could offer you some advice for the future: Dance like you are mortally injured. Make love like your being filmed and you need the money. Work when people are watching. Dress up in Lycra. Always leave a false name. Be legendary. Believe in Karma.If at first you don’t succeed, then redefine success. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com

                                               

50 Lessons from God Never Blinks by Regina Brett

                                               




1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short – enjoy it..

4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and family will.

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6.. You don't have to win every argument. Stay true to yourself.

7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.

8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye, but don't worry, God never blinks.

16.. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful. Clutter weighs you down in many ways.

18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.

19. It's never too late to be happy. But it’s all up to you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

22. Over prepare, then go with the flow..

23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'

27. Always choose life.

28. Forgive

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

33. Believe in miracles.

34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.

35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

36. Growing old beats the alternative of dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood.

38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.

41. Envy is a waste of time. Accept what you already have, not what you need

42. The best is yet to come...

43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

44. Yield.

45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."

Its estimated 93% won't forward this. If you are one of the 7% who will, forward this with the title '7%'.

I'm in the 7%. Friends are the family that we choose.