The Impeachment Verdict....

 

                   

How times change! In 2019, we told the kids: “Work hard at school, or you'll end up stacking shelves in a supermarket for a living” Fast forward to 2021: "The most secure job in the country is stacking shelves in a supermarket." Who’d a thowt it!



I asked two kids outside the local Co-op what job they wanted to do when they left school. The first kid asked me: “What’s school?” and the other kid sez: “What’s a job?”



Sadly, my morbidly obese parrot died yesterday. It was however, a huge weight off my shoulders. It caught a sort of bird flu in the Covid malady new South African strain bracket. It was Swettin and Puffin afore it fell off its perch.

                                   

Fascinating Fact: Did you know that ants cannot catch Covid? It’s because they have little Anty Bodies...



Well, I’m not in prison. I’m not in a rubber room, wearing a straitjacket. I’m not dead yet. On the whole, I’m having a great lockdown day! You know when you’re in trouble when the little voices in your head start a chat group!



Barmy Albert asked Non-Stick Nora how much you should spend on a bottle of wine. Nora looked at him and sez: “I honestly don’t know. Half an hour?



I saw Barmy Albert up Scropton Street and he appeared a tad nonplussed. I sez “Wassup Albert?” He told me he’d just got his test result and had the dreaded C. I sez “Covid 19?” He replied “No. Dyslexia...”


                                     

“Well, what surprise have you got lined up for Lockdown Valentine’s Day?” Asked the missus. “I think I’ll take the Christmas tree and decorations down..” I replied.



A Valentines Poem: Roses are red, violets are blue. Sugar is sweet and so are you. But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead. The sugar bowls empty, and so is your head....



I received my vaccine at midnight. It was a shot in the dark! I asked the girl giving me the jab if she had much experience of administering vaccines. She sez “Yeah. I did Botox for years.”



During the lockdown gubbins, I’ve taken a vow of poverty. To annoy me, send £10.



Another Fascinating Fact: Top scientists reckon that by the year 2025, you’ll never be more than two metres away from a former Chelsea manager...

                                        

Being unemployed for the first time in forty-odd years, I had my interview for Universal Credit and she curtly informed me that I must be available for any manner of work that might crop up. She further advised that there were some current opportunities in data processing. I informed her that I couldn’t use a computer. She asked me if I had some kind of learning difficulties. I sez “No. It’s a condition of my bail...”



Even though the forest was rapidly disappearing, the trees kept voting for the axe. However, the axe was really clever and convinced the trees that because his handle was made out of wood that he was one of them. Moreover, 12% of Americans believe that Joan of Arc was Noah's wife. I now see how Trump got acquitted....

 

                  

The awful moment that you realise that your wholemeal loaf has a Valentines date, but you haven't....

 

The Groundhog Biennial Period....

 

                                    

I dialled 999 and asked for the police. “Hello. There are two blokes wearing hoodies and they are breaking into my shed!” The police then advised me that they are short of resources and are unable to attend my property. I sez: “But they’re standing less than one metre apart and not wearing a face mask!” Police replied: “Keep ‘em there, we’ll have someone with you in five minutes!”



Last month, following the EU vaccine shenanigans, Boris left a message for President Macron and for a giggle, left the voicemail in German. Emmanuel Macron returned the call later and opined: “I got your message Boris, but unfortunately, I don’t speak German.” Boris paused for a moment and then replied: “And who do you think you should thank for that?”



The EU obviously think that the easiest way to make decisions is to pretend that the consequences don't matter. Angela Merkel has complained that “The British are coming over here and taking all our jabs!”



During lockdown, our oven has broken down more times than I’ve had hot dinners!



Barmy Albert asked Non-Stick Nora: “What’s the difference between ignorance and indifference? She sez:, “I don’t know and I don’t care!’



The Coronavirus test nurse asked if I've had any sudden loss of taste. I sez: "No, I've had this suit for years." I clearly recollect asking the tailor for the cheapest suit in the shop. He sez: “You’re wearing it, sir...”


                                       

We entertainers are joining forces in the war on Covid. We are currently searching for a lady with a very high BMI. We’re working on the theory that the pandemic will be all over, once she sings!



I hate it when people go on about their respective types of phobia. I have a fear of heights, but I don't go shouting about it from the rooftops.



This little girl sez to her father: "Daddy, I wish I had a little sister." Trying to be funny, the father replies, "Honey, you do have a sister." "I have?" questions the confused kid.... "Deffo," responds the dad. "You just don't see her because when you are coming in the front door, she is always leaving through the back door." The little girl gave this a few moments thought and remarked, "You mean like my other daddy does?"



Thursday Thought: Some people come out of the Covid storm bitter, whereas some folk come out of the Covid storm better.



I’ve been pondering that if there's enough tarmac to make speed humps, why is there not enough to fill pot holes? We used to drive on the left of the road, now we are forced to drive on what’s left of the road.

                                      

They say that when we understand that it is not one more day, but one day less, we will start to appreciate what really matters. Happy Groundhog Biennial!



I’ve not been out of the house for ages. I might nip to Woolworths later on. I also need to return a Betamax video to Blockbusters. What time do they open?
                        

Vote for the lockdown party!

                                   

The wretched popinjays who choose to ignore the lockdown rules must be weighing up the pros and cons of any legal ramifications that might be enforced, should they get their collar felt. For instance: It’s an £800 fine if you're caught attending a house party. However, it’s reduced to £400 if you pay the fine promptly. If perchance, you catch the dreaded Covid malady at the aforementioned party, then the government will give you £500 to stay at home and quarantine for 14 days. That's £100 profit, a fortnight off work with pay and a party thrown in for good measure! Result! Wahay!



The lockdown lunacy lark continues apace. I’m absolutely certain that I saw Suggsy walk past my house yesterday. Could this be the first sign of Madness?

                          

Got the lockdown blues? Worry ye not. Just remember that there are folks out there, who still have their ex’s name tattooed on them. Last year, I was gonna have a tattoo for my birthday. However, I only have a small garden and thought the neighbours might complain about the bagpipes. Isn’t life a hoot, when you’re doo-lally!



Quarantine Quiz: Exactly what is: LWWLDDLDLLWW?

A: A village in North Wales.

B: Liverpool’s last dozen results.

                     

My virtually non-existent knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles elbow. Moreover, whilst attending school, I was rubbish at spelling. I was brilliant at Jograffy, though...



Barmy Albert told me that the local prosthetics shop is changing hands. In my humble opinion, this is near the knuckle and not humerus!



It’s really odd wandering around on my own, in the house for so long without seeing any visitors. I’m really looking forward to the summertime, when I might get the odd fly popping in to break the monotony!

                                                       

When all of this dastardly farrago finally finishes, would you rather go to Scarborough with the missus, or go out for a steak and a few beers with your all your mates? Your choices are: A) Well done. B) Medium. C) Medium rare. D) Rare.



Q. My child won't eat fish, what can I replace it with?

A. A cat. Cats love fish.

I reckon that the bloke who dreamed up the word February must have had summat to do with the word Wednesday as well. I wonder if he came from Cholmondely? Was his missus called Siobhan? Answers on a coastguard please....

I’ve put on acres of timber during our enforced incarceration. In a bid to lose weight, I’m employing psychological gubbins. The concept is that you put a photograph of yourself in the nude on the fridge door. When you go for those lethal midnight snacks, you observe that you’re morbidly obese and stop scoffing saturated fatty comestibles etc. Anyway, I put a nude photo of myself on the fridge door last night and the door fell off its hinges!

                               

I was so desperate to shed weight; I made a doctor’s appointment. It was conducted over the telephone. I outlined the problem and he told me: “Don’t eat anything fatty.” I asked him if he was referring to cakes, biscuits, pies, pizza or French fries and kebabs. He paused for a moment and then pronounced: “No. Don’t eat anything, FATTY!” Apparently, I have an overactive knife and fork... 

If I could offer you some advice for the future: Dance like you are mortally injured. Make love like your being filmed and you need the money. Work when people are watching. Dress up in Lycra. Always leave a false name. Be legendary. Believe in Karma.If at first you don’t succeed, then redefine success. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com

                                

Tomorrow will be bobbins, and the day after that and the day after that....

                                            

             

It’s a fact that this lockdown lark affects us blokes the hardest. For instance, there’s no pub, betting shop, golf club, we can’t see all our mates or go to visit the lap-dancing bar. Whereas, it’s fine for the girls who can just carry on doing all their stuff, like cooking, cleaning, washing, ironing et cetera. Life is so unfair.

 

The lockdown has been a blessing in disguise, because during the last few months, being incarcerated at home with the missus, we’ve caught up on absolutely everything that I’ve done wrong over the past 14 years!
 

Yes, folks the whole world is just like Las Vegas. Everyone is losing money, it’s quite acceptable to drink at all hours and nobody has the remotest idea what day it is!





                                                                   

I went to the doctors and sez "I keep thinking I'm a Jelly Baby." The doctor sez "I beg your pardon?" I repeats: "I keep thinking I'm a Jelly Baby" The doctor goes bananas and starts shouting at me:   "What with all the Covid & NHS cutbacks and other problems we're having, I've got a waiting room out there full of genuinely ill patients, some of them terminally ill and heres you wasting my precious time and a valuable appointment slot and having the temerity to come in here and tell me that you think you’re a Jelly Baby, YOU are a DISGRACE!!" I looked at him and sez: "There's no need to bite me head off!"


             

A dying husband in a hospital bed, asks his wife: “Our eighth child always looked different from the other seven. I really need to know the honest truth. Did he have a different father?” His wife, crying uncontrollably, answered: “Yes.” He asked: “Who is it?” She replied: “Yours…”



I sincerely reckon that water is an incredible natural commodity and solves many problems. Want to lose weight? Drink lots of water. Fancy a clear complexion? Drink copious amounts of water. Someone getting on your nerves? Drown them! Simples innit!


              

It’s relatively easy for many arguments to ensue, during this lockdown scenario, however, myself and the missus have a fantastic relationship and never disagree with each other. This is because she went to college to study, receiving a degree in communications and I have worked in the theatre and on televisual arts. She can communicate really well and I act like I’m listening!



Remember that the only thing standing between you and your dreams, is your unkempt lockdown appearance and dodgy personal hygiene, a lack of talent and general personality.




                                         

I tried to re-marry the ex-wife, but she sussed out that I was only after my money…

 

You learn summat new every day! Apparently 'avarice' is not an appropriate answer to the question; "What motivates you..."

 

Breaking News: Elton John has purchased a multi-gym and rowing machine for his miniature pet rabbit. It’s a little fit bunny…


I was on Tesco car park, watching a woman trying to locate her car. Every time she held her key in the air and pressed it, I beeped my horn. Isn’t life grand, when you’re barmy!