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Sunday 14 February 2021

The Impeachment Verdict....



How times change! In 2019, we told the kids: “Work hard at school, or you'll end up stacking shelves in a supermarket for a living” Fast forward to 2021: "The most secure job in the country is stacking shelves in a supermarket." Who’d a thowt it!

I asked two kids outside the local Co-op what job they wanted to do when they left school. The first kid asked me: “What’s school?” and the other kid sez: “What’s a job?”

Sadly, my morbidly obese parrot died yesterday. It was however, a huge weight off my shoulders. It caught a sort of bird flu in the Covid malady new South African strain bracket. It was Swettin and Puffin afore it fell off its perch.


Fascinating Fact: Did you know that ants cannot catch Covid? It’s because they have little Anty Bodies...

Well, I’m not in prison. I’m not in a rubber room, wearing a straitjacket. I’m not dead yet. On the whole, I’m having a great lockdown day! You know when you’re in trouble when the little voices in your head start a chat group!

Barmy Albert asked Non-Stick Nora how much you should spend on a bottle of wine. Nora looked at him and sez: “I honestly don’t know. Half an hour?

I saw Barmy Albert up Scropton Street and he appeared a tad nonplussed. I sez “Wassup Albert?” He told me he’d just got his test result and had the dreaded C. I sez “Covid 19?” He replied “No. Dyslexia...”


“Well, what surprise have you got lined up for Lockdown Valentine’s Day?” Asked the missus. “I think I’ll take the Christmas tree and decorations down..” I replied.

A Valentines Poem: Roses are red, violets are blue. Sugar is sweet and so are you. But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead. The sugar bowls empty, and so is your head....

I received my vaccine at midnight. It was a shot in the dark! I asked the girl giving me the jab if she had much experience of administering vaccines. She sez “Yeah. I did Botox for years.”

During the lockdown gubbins, I’ve taken a vow of poverty. To annoy me, send £10.

Another Fascinating Fact: Top scientists reckon that by the year 2025, you’ll never be more than two metres away from a former Chelsea manager...


Being unemployed for the first time in forty-odd years, I had my interview for Universal Credit and she curtly informed me that I must be available for any manner of work that might crop up. She further advised that there were some current opportunities in data processing. I informed her that I couldn’t use a computer. She asked me if I had some kind of learning difficulties. I sez “No. It’s a condition of my bail...”

Even though the forest was rapidly disappearing, the trees kept voting for the axe. However, the axe was really clever and convinced the trees that because his handle was made out of wood that he was one of them. Moreover, 12% of Americans believe that Joan of Arc was Noah's wife. I now see how Trump got acquitted....



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