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Monday 8 February 2021

The Groundhog Biennial Period....



I dialled 999 and asked for the police. “Hello. There are two blokes wearing hoodies and they are breaking into my shed!” The police then advised me that they are short of resources and are unable to attend my property. I sez: “But they’re standing less than one metre apart and not wearing a face mask!” Police replied: “Keep ‘em there, we’ll have someone with you in five minutes!”

Last month, following the EU vaccine shenanigans, Boris left a message for President Macron and for a giggle, left the voicemail in German. Emmanuel Macron returned the call later and opined: “I got your message Boris, but unfortunately, I don’t speak German.” Boris paused for a moment and then replied: “And who do you think you should thank for that?”

The EU obviously think that the easiest way to make decisions is to pretend that the consequences don't matter. Angela Merkel has complained that “The British are coming over here and taking all our jabs!”

During lockdown, our oven has broken down more times than I’ve had hot dinners!

Barmy Albert asked Non-Stick Nora: “What’s the difference between ignorance and indifference? She sez:, “I don’t know and I don’t care!’

The Coronavirus test nurse asked if I've had any sudden loss of taste. I sez: "No, I've had this suit for years." I clearly recollect asking the tailor for the cheapest suit in the shop. He sez: “You’re wearing it, sir...”


We entertainers are joining forces in the war on Covid. We are currently searching for a lady with a very high BMI. We’re working on the theory that the pandemic will be all over, once she sings!

I hate it when people go on about their respective types of phobia. I have a fear of heights, but I don't go shouting about it from the rooftops.

This little girl sez to her father: "Daddy, I wish I had a little sister." Trying to be funny, the father replies, "Honey, you do have a sister." "I have?" questions the confused kid.... "Deffo," responds the dad. "You just don't see her because when you are coming in the front door, she is always leaving through the back door." The little girl gave this a few moments thought and remarked, "You mean like my other daddy does?"

Thursday Thought: Some people come out of the Covid storm bitter, whereas some folk come out of the Covid storm better.

I’ve been pondering that if there's enough tarmac to make speed humps, why is there not enough to fill pot holes? We used to drive on the left of the road, now we are forced to drive on what’s left of the road.


They say that when we understand that it is not one more day, but one day less, we will start to appreciate what really matters. Happy Groundhog Biennial!

I’ve not been out of the house for ages. I might nip to Woolworths later on. I also need to return a Betamax video to Blockbusters. What time do they open?

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