The wretched popinjays who choose to ignore the lockdown rules must be weighing up the pros and cons of any legal ramifications that might be enforced, should they get their collar felt. For instance: It’s an £800 fine if you're caught attending a house party. However, it’s reduced to £400 if you pay the fine promptly. If perchance, you catch the dreaded Covid malady at the aforementioned party, then the government will give you £500 to stay at home and quarantine for 14 days. That's £100 profit, a fortnight off work with pay and a party thrown in for good measure! Result! Wahay!
The lockdown lunacy lark continues apace. I’m absolutely certain that I saw Suggsy walk past my house yesterday. Could this be the first sign of Madness?
Got the lockdown blues? Worry ye not. Just remember that there are folks out there, who still have their ex’s name tattooed on them. Last year, I was gonna have a tattoo for my birthday. However, I only have a small garden and thought the neighbours might complain about the bagpipes. Isn’t life a hoot, when you’re doo-lally!
Quarantine Quiz: Exactly what is: LWWLDDLDLLWW?
A: A village in North Wales.
B: Liverpool’s last dozen results.
My virtually non-existent knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles elbow. Moreover, whilst attending school, I was rubbish at spelling. I was brilliant at Jograffy, though...
Barmy Albert told me that the local prosthetics shop is changing hands. In my humble opinion, this is near the knuckle and not humerus!
It’s really odd wandering around on my own, in the house for so long without seeing any visitors. I’m really looking forward to the summertime, when I might get the odd fly popping in to break the monotony!
When all of this dastardly farrago finally finishes, would you rather go to Scarborough with the missus, or go out for a steak and a few beers with your all your mates? Your choices are: A) Well done. B) Medium. C) Medium rare. D) Rare.
Q. My child won't eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A. A cat. Cats love fish.
I reckon that the bloke who dreamed up the word February must have had summat to do with the word Wednesday as well. I wonder if he came from Cholmondely? Was his missus called Siobhan? Answers on a coastguard please....
I’ve put on acres of timber during our enforced incarceration. In a bid to lose weight, I’m employing psychological gubbins. The concept is that you put a photograph of yourself in the nude on the fridge door. When you go for those lethal midnight snacks, you observe that you’re morbidly obese and stop scoffing saturated fatty comestibles etc. Anyway, I put a nude photo of myself on the fridge door last night and the door fell off its hinges!
I was so desperate to shed weight; I made a doctor’s appointment. It was conducted over the telephone. I outlined the problem and he told me: “Don’t eat anything fatty.” I asked him if he was referring to cakes, biscuits, pies, pizza or French fries and kebabs. He paused for a moment and then pronounced: “No. Don’t eat anything, FATTY!” Apparently, I have an overactive knife and fork...
If I could offer you some advice for the future: Dance like you are mortally injured. Make love like your being filmed and you need the money. Work when people are watching. Dress up in Lycra. Always leave a false name. Be legendary. Believe in Karma.If at first you don’t succeed, then redefine success. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:email@example.com