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Monday, 25 January 2021

Tomorrow will be bobbins, and the day after that and the day after that....



It’s a fact that this lockdown lark affects us blokes the hardest. For instance, there’s no pub, betting shop, golf club, we can’t see all our mates or go to visit the lap-dancing bar. Whereas, it’s fine for the girls who can just carry on doing all their stuff, like cooking, cleaning, washing, ironing et cetera. Life is so unfair.


The lockdown has been a blessing in disguise, because during the last few months, being incarcerated at home with the missus, we’ve caught up on absolutely everything that I’ve done wrong over the past 14 years!

Yes, folks the whole world is just like Las Vegas. Everyone is losing money, it’s quite acceptable to drink at all hours and nobody has the remotest idea what day it is!


I went to the doctors and sez "I keep thinking I'm a Jelly Baby." The doctor sez "I beg your pardon?" I repeats: "I keep thinking I'm a Jelly Baby" The doctor goes bananas and starts shouting at me:   "What with all the Covid & NHS cutbacks and other problems we're having, I've got a waiting room out there full of genuinely ill patients, some of them terminally ill and heres you wasting my precious time and a valuable appointment slot and having the temerity to come in here and tell me that you think you’re a Jelly Baby, YOU are a DISGRACE!!" I looked at him and sez: "There's no need to bite me head off!"


A dying husband in a hospital bed, asks his wife: “Our eighth child always looked different from the other seven. I really need to know the honest truth. Did he have a different father?” His wife, crying uncontrollably, answered: “Yes.” He asked: “Who is it?” She replied: “Yours…”

I sincerely reckon that water is an incredible natural commodity and solves many problems. Want to lose weight? Drink lots of water. Fancy a clear complexion? Drink copious amounts of water. Someone getting on your nerves? Drown them! Simples innit!


It’s relatively easy for many arguments to ensue, during this lockdown scenario, however, myself and the missus have a fantastic relationship and never disagree with each other. This is because she went to college to study, receiving a degree in communications and I have worked in the theatre and on televisual arts. She can communicate really well and I act like I’m listening!

Remember that the only thing standing between you and your dreams, is your unkempt lockdown appearance and dodgy personal hygiene, a lack of talent and general personality.


I tried to re-marry the ex-wife, but she sussed out that I was only after my money…


You learn summat new every day! Apparently 'avarice' is not an appropriate answer to the question; "What motivates you..."


Breaking News: Elton John has purchased a multi-gym and rowing machine for his miniature pet rabbit. It’s a little fit bunny…

I was on Tesco car park, watching a woman trying to locate her car. Every time she held her key in the air and pressed it, I beeped my horn. Isn’t life grand, when you’re barmy!

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