The Letter....

The missus was upset when I got home. I sez, "Wassup?" She replied, "I've got a letter from the hospital and they said that not only do I have dyslexia, I also have tiny tits!" I looked at the letter and sez, "No, love. You've got tinnititus".
                                      

  

I called the vet and told him 'The missus is dropping by this afternoon with our old cat. Can you euthanize her without any pain?' 'Sure', he said, 'but will your cat find the way back home alone?'

                                                   
                                     

Barmy Albert and Non-Stick Nora are walking past a field of heffers. Nora sez, "Look, it's a flock of cows." "Herd of cows, you bozo," replies Albert. To which Nora sez, "Of course I've heard of cows, there's a flamin’ flock of 'em over there!"

                                              

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica? Wonder no more. It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life. If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried. The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing: "Freeze a jolly good fellow." Then they kick him in the ice hole. So, now we know. Fascinating innit!!
                                              

Whilst doing a gig at a hotel recently, there was a wedding reception taking place in another function suite. I said to the person next to me, “That’s the ugliest bride I have ever seen.” “I beg your pardon!” came the reply, “That happens to be my daughter!” I apologised and said, “I’m sorry, I had no idea you were her father.” “I’m not!” came the retort, “I’m her mother!” Oh dear. Hat and coat time already....

                                               

I went to my cat's funeral yesterday. Hopefully for the last time!


                                     

There is a bloke on my street, who has been featured in the "Guinness Book of Records" for having suffered an amazing forty-six concussions! He lives very close to my house, in fact, he is just a stone’s throw away.

                                                    

My doctor thinks I might have pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis. But it's hard to say at the moment...


                                          

A Hollywood filum director is screen testing Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger for a new movie about classical composers. Not having figured out exactly who to cat each role to, he asks Sly who he would like to be. Stallone says "I like Mozart. I wanna be Mozart" So the director says, "Very well, you can be Mozart" Then he turns to Arnie and says "Arnie, who would you like to play ?" And Scharzenegger sez "I'll be Bach!"

                                     

You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day. Whenever this occurs, I write this column! You can visit my Jokey~Bloggington too! Just clickety-click on: www.ComedianUK.com You can email me: comedianuk@sky.com

                                          

The Bloke on the Train.....

               

I was really squashed up next to a young blonde woman on the train from Manchester yesterday afternoon. She sez to me that I was 'creepily close'. Well, if there had been someone else in the carriage, I'd have asked for their opinion. But there wasn't. So I couldn't....
                                               

When we got married, we had the reception at McDonalds. It was the last ‘Happy Meal’ that I ever had. The missus has suggested that we renew our wedding vows. This came as quite a shock to me. I didn't realise there was an expiry date! Fascinating!

                                         

                                       

Thought for Thursday: Some people are real. Some people are good. Some people are fake. Then, some people are real good at being fake...


                                                 

Went to the local community centre to see a faith healer last night. He was so bad, this bloke in a wheelchair got up and walked out!

                                           

During a lull between the speeches at the recent presidential swearing-in ceremony, Melania Trump leaned over to have a chinwag with the Secretary of State, Rex Tillerson. "You know, I bought Donald a parrot for Christmas. That bird is so smart, Donald has already taught him to pronounce over two hundred words!" "Wow, that's pretty impressive," said Tillerson, "but, you do realise that he just speaks the words. He doesn't really understand what they mean." "Oh, I know," replied Melania," neither does the parrot." Say what you want about Trump. But he has created jobs. The comedy writers and CNN never had it better.

                                     

I asked my dentist what she would recommend for yellow teeth. She sez, “How about a brown tie! When she said ‘Open wide’ I thought she meant my mouth. Turns out it was my wallet. £40 for a filling!


                         

Barmy Albert arrives home completely paralytic drunk last Saturday night. He staggers through the door and is met by Non-Stick Nora, who is incandescent with rage and not a happy bunny. “Where the flamin’ hell have you been all night?" she demands. "At this new bar," he proclaims. "The Golden Tavern. Everything there is golden. It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor and even the urinal's gold!" Nora doesn't believe all this addlepated blather, and the next day searches Google, finding a pub in Manchester called The Golden Tavern. She calls up the place to verify Albert’s tale. "Is this the Golden Tavern?" she asks when the landlord answers the phone. "Yes it is," the landlord replies. "Do you have huge golden doors?” "We sure do." "Do you have golden floors?" "Most certainly do." "What about golden urinals?" There was a long pause, then Nora hears the landlord shouting, "Hey, Graham​, I think I got a lead on the dude that pissed in your saxophone last night!"

                                 

Don't let stress and anxiety kill you off! Why not let me help? By reading this column regularly you will exercise your guffaw glands and chortle your socks off by howling at all the fine jokes, superb entertainment and gracious hostility. Why not visit my website: www.comedianuk.com or better still, gizzus a tweet on twitter.com/comedianuk You can email me too! comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work!

                                   

Yodel Delivery!

Valentines Day Gift Ideas......

Oh! Folly of all follies! THAT moment you realise your wholemeal loaf has a Valentines Day date and you haven't...

When Your Mum Is A Horrible Cook, But You Can't Talk Yet...

A female weightlifter goes to the doctors. "I've been using so many steroids that I've grown a cock", she says. "'Anabolic?" Asks the doctor. "No, just a cock."

They phoned up from Tameside Hospital Intensive Care Unit and the doctor sez that they have the mother-in-law there. I asked the doctor how she was and he replied, "She's critical.” I sez, "Yeah, but you get used to that..."

                                                     

“Mummy," asked little Nellie, "Why do you always cut the ends off of the sausages before you put them in the pan?" "Oh, that's just the way my mother always did it. You'll have to ask her." The next time her grandmother visited "Granny," asks little Nellie, "Why do you and mummy cut the ends off of the sausages before you put them in the pan?" "Oh, that's just the way my mother always did it," replied Nellie's granny. "You'll have to ask her." "Great Granny," asks Nellie the next time they visit her slightly doo-lally great grandmother at the nursing home, "Why do you and Granny and Mummy always cut the ends off the sausages before you put them in the pan?" "Oh, for Pete’s sake!" sez Great Granny, " Are they still using that fuckin’ small pan?"
                                               
                                         

Ode to Auto Correct. (Or owed two autocrat.)
Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea.
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

                                   

On Valentines Day, the missus sez, "Haven't you noticed that all the excitement, the fun and even the sex has gone out of our marriage?" " Can we talk about this at half time," I replied....

                                           

Things that are difficult to say when you are bladdered:
(1) Innovative. (2) Preliminary. (3) Proliferation.


                                   

I sauntered into our local pet shop. I sez, “Can I buy a goldfish?” The bloke replied “Do you want an aquarium?” I sez, “I don’t care what star sign it is.”
                                 

                                         

I stepped back in amazement and the fella behind me stepped back further because he was amazed at how far back I'd stepped, primarily because I was exasperated with the same old boring jokes that are still being circulated around the pub and at work? I’m sure you are. But no, not me. No sirree! I like the same old boring jokes and that's why I print them right here in this gloppy humour column every available chance I get. Accept me for what I am; completely unacceptable. Click on my joke blog: www.ComedianUK.com or better still email me: comedianuk@sky.com Oh, and If your phone didn’t ring yesterday, then it was me! Start the car!
                                           

Some recent gigs.....