I called the vet and told him 'The missus is dropping by this afternoon with our old cat. Can you euthanize her without any pain?' 'Sure', he said, 'but will your cat find the way back home alone?'
Barmy Albert and Non-Stick Nora are walking past a field of heffers. Nora sez, "Look, it's a flock of cows." "Herd of cows, you bozo," replies Albert. To which Nora sez, "Of course I've heard of cows, there's a flamin’ flock of 'em over there!"
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica? Wonder no more. It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life. If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried. The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing: "Freeze a jolly good fellow." Then they kick him in the ice hole. So, now we know. Fascinating innit!!
Whilst doing a gig at a hotel recently, there was a wedding reception taking place in another function suite. I said to the person next to me, “That’s the ugliest bride I have ever seen.” “I beg your pardon!” came the reply, “That happens to be my daughter!” I apologised and said, “I’m sorry, I had no idea you were her father.” “I’m not!” came the retort, “I’m her mother!” Oh dear. Hat and coat time already....
I went to my cat's funeral yesterday. Hopefully for the last time!
There is a bloke on my street, who has been featured in the "Guinness Book of Records" for having suffered an amazing forty-six concussions! He lives very close to my house, in fact, he is just a stone’s throw away.
My doctor thinks I might have pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis. But it's hard to say at the moment...
A Hollywood filum director is screen testing Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger for a new movie about classical composers. Not having figured out exactly who to cat each role to, he asks Sly who he would like to be. Stallone says "I like Mozart. I wanna be Mozart" So the director says, "Very well, you can be Mozart" Then he turns to Arnie and says "Arnie, who would you like to play ?" And Scharzenegger sez "I'll be Bach!"
You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day. Whenever this occurs, I write this column! You can visit my Jokey~Bloggington too! Just clickety-click on: www.ComedianUK.com You can email me: comedianuk@sky.com
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