When Your Mum Is A Horrible Cook, But You Can't Talk Yet...

A female weightlifter goes to the doctors. "I've been using so many steroids that I've grown a cock", she says. "'Anabolic?" Asks the doctor. "No, just a cock."

They phoned up from Tameside Hospital Intensive Care Unit and the doctor sez that they have the mother-in-law there. I asked the doctor how she was and he replied, "She's critical.” I sez, "Yeah, but you get used to that..."

                                                     

“Mummy," asked little Nellie, "Why do you always cut the ends off of the sausages before you put them in the pan?" "Oh, that's just the way my mother always did it. You'll have to ask her." The next time her grandmother visited "Granny," asks little Nellie, "Why do you and mummy cut the ends off of the sausages before you put them in the pan?" "Oh, that's just the way my mother always did it," replied Nellie's granny. "You'll have to ask her." "Great Granny," asks Nellie the next time they visit her slightly doo-lally great grandmother at the nursing home, "Why do you and Granny and Mummy always cut the ends off the sausages before you put them in the pan?" "Oh, for Pete’s sake!" sez Great Granny, " Are they still using that fuckin’ small pan?"
                                               
                                         

Ode to Auto Correct. (Or owed two autocrat.)
Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea.
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

                                   

On Valentines Day, the missus sez, "Haven't you noticed that all the excitement, the fun and even the sex has gone out of our marriage?" " Can we talk about this at half time," I replied....

                                           

Things that are difficult to say when you are bladdered:
(1) Innovative. (2) Preliminary. (3) Proliferation.


                                   

I sauntered into our local pet shop. I sez, “Can I buy a goldfish?” The bloke replied “Do you want an aquarium?” I sez, “I don’t care what star sign it is.”
                                 

                                         

I stepped back in amazement and the fella behind me stepped back further because he was amazed at how far back I'd stepped, primarily because I was exasperated with the same old boring jokes that are still being circulated around the pub and at work? I’m sure you are. But no, not me. No sirree! I like the same old boring jokes and that's why I print them right here in this gloppy humour column every available chance I get. Accept me for what I am; completely unacceptable. Click on my joke blog: www.ComedianUK.com or better still email me: comedianuk@sky.com Oh, and If your phone didn’t ring yesterday, then it was me! Start the car!