The Shrink....

                         

Ever since I was a child, I've always had a morbid fear of thinking that there was a ‘bogey-man’ under my bed at night. So I went to see a psychiatrist to seek learned counselling on this underlying issue. I told him: “I've got severe problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm frightened and I think I'm going bananas.” “Just put your good self in my hands for twelve months,” said the shrink. “Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to rid you of those fears...” “How much do you charge?” “£80 plus VAT per appointment,” replied the doctor. “I'll sleep on it,” I said. Six months later, I bumped into the doctor on the High Street. “Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?” he asked. “Well, at eighty quid plus VAT per visit, multiplied by three times a week, for a whole year is an awful lot of moolah! The barman at Wetherspoons cured me for nothing. I was so happy to have saved all that money, that I went and bought myself a new Land Rover Discovery!” “Is that right!” With a bit of an attitude, he replied, “And how, may I ask, did a mere bar person cure you?” “He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't anybody under there now!”

                               

I’ve had a Eureka moment! Hey lads! Listen up! I’ve finally worked it out. The bestest way to get a woman to change her mind is to agree with her in the first place! You heard it here first folks!
                                       

When it comes to mucking up everyday sayings, I've been that, done there, got the tea bag....

                                           

"118-118? I need the number of Classix Insurance Company. I'll spell
that for you. "That's C as in cadence, A as in aye, S as in sea, E as in
eye, W as in why, A as in are and Y as in you."

"Just a minute, sir. I'll connect you with my supervisor."
                                   

Barmy Albert came home drunk as a skunk for the third night in a row. Non-Stick Nora, his
wife, dragged him to the window and pointed out to the blazing lights of the big brewery

 in the distance. "Do you see how big it is?" she thundered. "They can always make it faster than you can drink it!"   "Maybe so," he burped, "but I've got 'em working nights."
                                           

"As long as the world is turning and spinning, we're gonna be dizzy and
we're gonna make mistakes." - Mel Brooks.

                                 

Quasimodo comes home from work one night and his wife has made a delicious
stir-fry.

"Great!" he says.

Next night he comes home from work, and it's stir-fry again.

"Just as delicious as last night," he says.

Next night, stir-fry again. "Tastes great, but I'm getting kind of sick of
stir-fry again," he says.

Next night, stir-fry again. "Listen," he says, "tomorrow make whatever you
want, as long as it's not stir-fry."

Next day he leaves work early, after asking an assistant to ring vespers for
him, so that he can catch her before she begins cooking. He walks in the
front door and there she is, taking the wok down off the rack.

"Aha!" he says. "You're going to make stir-fry again!"

"Don't be silly," she says. "I'm going to iron your shirts."

                                     

I was making every endeavour to attempt to eschew obfuscation via the utilisation of sesquipedalian terminology, however, it has since emerged that I am a perpetrator of terminological inexactitudes and this will merely compound an already unfortunate farrago. So visit my all new Jokey-Bloggington and continue the quest! Just clickety-click on www.ComedianUK.com You can email me too! comedianuk@sky.com
Now, assume a comical position and strike the pose!