A few of this weeks gigs....

The Waiting Game....

                             

I sauntered into a restaurant last night and sez: "Excuse me, but is my table ready as yet?" "No, not yet sir. Would you mind waiting for a few minutes?" "No,that's okay” I sez." "Great” he replied “Take these prawn cocktail starters to table six."
       

The Phone Call. Barmy Albert: Hi. I've had a bad accident at work. Debbie has driven me to the hospital. They may have to amputate my leg.
Non-Stick Nora: Who's Debbie?

                               

When I was young lad, my mum said to me "You can be anyone you want to be!"
It now transpires that the police call this identity theft. My mate Sid had his ID stolen. We just call him ‘S’ now...
                                 

You can tell that Black Friday is imminent. How do you know? Tesco has got Easter eggs on sale three for the price of two!


                   

                 


I was born in Gorton,Manchester but used to do loads of gigs in the pubs, clubs and theatres of Blackpool and always fancied a place on Blackpool promenade, then one night I met a young couple in the Pit Bull & Stanley Knife who offered me a self contained flat on the promenade. I moved in that weekend and loved the sea view and decided to have an early night so climbed into bed just before midnight and on the stroke of midnight, the late night tram rumbled past and the flatlet began to shake like a jelly so much so, that I fell out of bed! The next day I met the lady owner while shopping in Tesco and told her about what happened and she didn't believe me! I suggested that she came up to my room to see for herself. At exactly 11-45pm, she came to up to my room. We had tea and biscuits and then got onto the bed together and just before midnight, her husband burst in and demanded to know "What the hell is going on here?" to which I replied "You’re not gonna believe this, but we’re waiting for a tram!"

                             

My mate Dave recently lost all of his fingers in a horrible accident. I can't even begin to imagine how he feels! The surgeon at the hospital told him that with the incredible advancement of medical technology available today, if he had possessed the forethought to have packed them in ice, and brought them with him, they could have been stitched back on. Dave informed the surgeon that he was well aware of this fact. The reason why he hadn’t done this, was that he couldn’t pick ‘em up!

                           

Thought for Thursday: You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from, and refuse to tell you where they're going.

                   

If you read this weekly column regularly, then you help to make unimportant world decisions dealing with irrelevant, uncomplicated issues that influence insignificant amounts of human lives. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com

               

Brexit or Bust?

                               

Well folks, there’s only two more Leeds Utd managers to the festive season. Has anyone got their Christmas tree up yet? I’ve got mine up. Up in the flamin’ loft, where it belongs. At least for another couple or three weeks. There are 12 Days of Christmas. Not a single one of them is in November! Wimmin take note!
                                           

A scruffy, unkempt youth with his pants hanging half off his backside, missing two front teeth and looking like it was a personal triumph he had survived past Bonfire Night strutted into the Job Centre to sign on. He marched up to the counter and said, "Hiya. You know, I just HATE claiming benefits. I'd really rather have a proper job. I don't like taking advantage of the system, gettin’ summat for nowt innit." The clerk behind the counter sez "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2016 Mercedes-Benz CL and he will supply all of your clothes." " Obviously, because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward, but you will also have to exercise extreme caution, as the daughter is in her mid twenties and is absolutely gorgeous. The guy, wide-eyed, exclaimed, "You're kiddin’' me!" The clerk replied; "Yeah, well . . . you started it."

                                           

The missus asked me if I'd ever regretted saying something. "Yes, I do" I replied.

"Well, what was it then?" she asked.

                                                 

This bloke called the undertaker one afternoon and sobbed, "This is Mr
Scroggins. I need you to bury my wife."

"Mr. Scroggins? Mr Bert Scroggins?"

"Yes, that's correct."

"Didn't I bury your wife ten years ago?" the undertaker asked.

"I got married again," the bloke sobbed.

"Oh!" replied the undertaker. "Congratulations!"


                                                                       

Late last night, I spotted a bloke in my back garden wearing a riding hat, rugby shirt, golfing trousers and football boots, I shouted "Oi! What's your game then?".


                                               

Thought for Thursday: Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Give a woman a fish and all you get is “You call that an anniversary present?”


Fascinating Fact: It seems that the biggest cause of death is being surrounded by your family



May I have your honest opinion? Imagine, if you had to make a choice between winning the Euro Millions, or your wife, then which car would you buy?



If you don't do anything else today, be sure to tell someone about the hilarious comic Austin Knight and this craze-ridden newspaper column! Spread the gospel around the local pub, the lap dancing bar, the dole office, on the train coming back from community service, on the bus returning from visiting your probation officer, and at 30,000 leagues beneath the sea. Okay, forget about the underwater gubbins but do all the rest, that's an order! Visit my website too! www.ComedianUK.com You can email me: comedianuk@sky.com
                                                     

Stoptober?

                     

Have you noticed that all the leaves are falling from the trees? What is going on? Could it be that the Russians or the Chinese are up to summat? Perchance, it might be linked to nuclear waste being accumulated in Korea, or those awful oil fires in Iraq? Either way, Theresa May should grasp the nettle and act quickly to resolve this unfortunate farrago. Come on Prime Minister, send Boris Johnson round with a rake!

                                       

A tired young doctor got off a night shift at the hospital and stopped into a bar called "Dick's" across the street for a drink. "Hey what can I get you?" asked Dick. "How about a daiquiri?"
The bartender makes a drink and slides it down the bar. He takes a sip and loves it. "Whoa! That's great. What's your secret?" "A little bit of almond extract. Gives it a little something extra." The two hit it off and a lifelong friendship develops. One night the doctor enters and like clockwork the bartender goes to make his favourite drink only to realize that all the almond extract is gone. Thinking on his feet he substitutes it with a little hickory on hand.
The doctor takes a sip. A little confused, he takes another... "Is this an almond daiquiri, Dick?" "No, it's a hickory daiquiri, Doc."


                                       

Two wind turbines in a field and one sez to the other "Do you like music?" He replies "Oh, yes. I'm a big metal fan!"


I have just been to my local hospital and saw a sign saying, ‘Thieves operate here.’
Now, I’m no medical expert, but surely it would be safer to leave this type of work to surgeons.

                                               

I've been for a job interview. They said the pay was only £10 per hour, to start with, but went up to £20 per hour after six months. The manager asked me when I could start, I replied, "Erm, in six months?"



The lawyer says: “I have some good news and some bad news”

The CEO replies: “I have had an awful day, let's hear the good news first.”

The lawyer says: “Your wife invested £20,000 in five pictures that are worth a minimum of £2 million ......”

The CEO replies enthusiastically: “Well done, very good news indeed,
You’ve made my day; now what is the bad news?”

The lawyer answers: “These pictures are of you in bed with your secretary.....”



I told myself to stop drinking during October. Then I thought why should I take advice from a drunk who talks to himself?

                                             

I encouraged my 16-year-old daughter to find a job to help pay for her
college education. Last night, she came home with five applications, and later
that evening, I read them. Under "Previous Employment," she listed "Baby-sitting." Under "Reason for Leaving" she wrote, "They came home."



Wit is often a mask. If you could peer behind its gossamer façade, you would find either genius irritated or cleverness wriggling. That’s why you should never let your mind wander. Summat that small shouldn’t be out on its own. Nurse, fetch the screens! Visit my website www.ComedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, assume a comical position, and then strike the pose!


                               

179 Different Ways To Annoy Someone....

                             

1. Specify that your drive-thru order is "to go."

2. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

3. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub."

4. Name your dog "Dog."

5. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."

6. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what you think."

7. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."

8. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of WD40.

9. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

10. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.

11. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."

12. Tell 192 operators they sound gay and ask for a date.

13. Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.

14. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.

15. Order a side of pork rinds with your fillet mignon.

16. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

17. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climatic parts of rental movies.

18. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.

19. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

20. Repeat everything someone says as a question.

21. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's road maps.

22. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination, UFO, and OJ Simpson conspiracy theories.

23. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?", "What?", "Never mind, it's gone now."

24. Light road flares on a birthday cake.

25. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

26. At the laundrette, use one dryer for each of your socks.

27. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling as they read.

28. Ask people what gender they are.

29. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.

30. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

31. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

32. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.

33. Change your name to "John Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."

34. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

35. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.

36. Wear a lot of cologne.

37. Listen to 33RPM records at 45RPM speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."

38. Sing along at the opera.

39. Mow your lawn with scissors.

40. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhwing-batter!"

41. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."

42. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

43. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."

44. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

45. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.

46. Make appointments for the 31st of September.

47. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.

48. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.

49. In the memo field of all your cheques write "for sensual massage."

50. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

51. Practice making fax and modem noises.

52. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc." them to your boss.

53. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."

54. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

55. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.

56. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

57. Staple papers in the middle of the page.

58. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

59. Honk and wave to strangers.

60. TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE.

61. type only in lowercase.

62. dont use any punctuation either

63. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

64. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.

65. Sing the theme to the Batman television show as loudly as you can, over and over and over..

66. Tell people their accent isn't fooling anyone.

67. Drum on every available surface.

68. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

69. Set alarms for random times.

70. Learn Morse code and have conversations with friends in public consisting of "Beeeep bip bip beeeep bip.."

71. Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.

72. Leave your Nine Inch Nails tape in Great Uncle Ed's stereo, with the volume properly adjusted.

73. Dress only in clothes coloured Hunter's Orange.

74. Wear your pants backwards.

75. Begin all your sentences with "oooh- la- la!"

76. Rouse your roommates from slumber each morning with Lou Reed's "Metal Machine Music."

77. Leave someone's printer in compressed-italic-landscape mode.

78. Pay for your dinner with pennies.

79. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

80. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

81. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

82. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."

83. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

84. When Christmas carolling, sing "Jingle bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.

85. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."

86. Finish the 99 bottles of beer song.

87. Sing the "This is the song that never ends" song from Lampchop's Play-Along.

88. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

89. Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk into it.

90. Drive half a block.

91. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

92. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a southern drawl.

93. "Forget" the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."

94. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes."

95. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains, such as "Feliz Navidad," the Archies' "Sugar," or the Mr. Rogers theme song.

96. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

97. Ask to "interface" with someone.

98. Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as "sticky wicket isn't cricket."

99. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."

100. Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.

101. Never make eye contact.

102. Never break eye contact.

103. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, pronouncing the results.

104. Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cossell voice.

105. Occasionally bark in a high-pitched voice.

106. Say "okay, you're gay" to anything someone says.

107. As peole talk, smell their shoulders.

108. When in a conversation, look out the window, then say "Wait, start over. I wasn't paying attention."

109. Say to people, "Did you wear deodorant today?"

110. Place your shoes on the table.

111. When talking to someone, look at a spot about two inches to their right.

112. When standing near a "high-class person," ask them, "Excuse me, but do I have a booger hanging on my nose? I thought I picked it off."

113. Switch your neighbour's lawn furniture with someone else's.

114. Call into work and tell them you have something better to do today.

115. Buy goldfish and ask the clerk if they come with chips.

116. Sample every flavour of ice cream and tell the clerk what you don't like about each one.

117. Pick your ear wax and ask if you could use their sleeve to wipe it off.

118. Insist completely ridiculous things are true - like Bush is still President.

119. Speak in a strong Welsh accent.

120. Wear odd shoes.

121. Learn "Ice Ice Baby" by heart and recite it endlessly.

122. Disagree strongly with everything anybody says.

123. Throw stones at people walking past your house.

124. Keep changing the TV channel every two seconds.

125. Insist that Celine Dion is better than the Beatles.

126. Whenever anyone says something, laugh loudly as if they have just told and extremely funny joke.

127. Phone McDonald's and try to make a reservation for that evening.

128. Spend an entire weekend pretending you are R2D2.

129. Phone random numbers and tell them you are holding their daughter hostage.

130. Recite the first 4,000 decimal places of Pi. Then ask if people want to hear it in binary, too.

131. Pretend you have gone comopletely deaf.

132. etirW sdrawkcab.

133. Walk into people's houses, go straight to the fridge without saying hello, and help yourself to their food.

134. Speak so quietly that people always have to get you to repeat it.

135. Loudly recite people's most embarrassing secrets in restaurants.

136. Play the electric guitar very loudly and badly, then when the neighbours ask you to turn it down, play even louder. When they come round to complain again, say, "Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you asked me to turn it up!

137. Try to fit the word "cornucopia" into every sentence you say.

138. Drive on the wrong side of the road.

139. Secretly learn to play the piano, then go to a friend's house who has a piano. Claim you've never played before then play Jesu Joy of Man's Desiring perfectly the first time. Then say, "I guess I must kinda be a natural."

140. Go canoeing and sing the Hawaii Five-0 theme.

141. Claim that until recently, you thought Michael Jackson was a woman.

142. Wear your cap backwards and say "Yo, wazzup?" a lot.

143. Go to a Metallica concert wearing a Michael Bolton T-Shirt.

144. Tell everyone you are Bill Clinton's cousin.

145. Take photos of people walking down the street and then run away.

146. Dedicate your life to politics, become president of the United States, then raise all taxes to 90%.

147. Down a can of Coke in one and then burp loudly.

148. Insist that it was Bobby who shot J.R.

149. Bark like a dog whenever anyone says the word "the."

150. Wire up people's cars so the horn comes on as soon as their car is started.

151. Ride a unicycle to work.

152. E-mail Microsoft to tell them about bugs in Windows '95 that aren't actually there.

153. Stare at people for about five minutes, making sure they know you're staring at them. Then, slowly sneak up to them while humming the Mission: Impossible theme. Sniff their head, then run away. Repeat.

154. Continuously mumble during a conversation.

155. Take off the eraser to every pencil in your house.

156. When in a chat room, spell everything incorrectly.

157. Insist on "Weird Al" sing-a-longs.

158. On a hot summer day, ride up and down the road and drench pedestrians with squirt guns.

159. When walking down a main road, act like a drunk.

160. Wear nothing but white and go mud wrestling.

161. Walk up to someone eating. Lean over and stare at them intently until they notice. Continue to do so until they ask what you're doing. Reply, "I've been watching you eat for the last 30 seconds.. You're weird!" Leave the restaurant.

162. When walking, talk to yourself constantly.

163. Move people's bookmarks ahead three pages when they aren't looking.

164. Call the operator. When asked, "Can I help you?" reply, "No thanks, just browsing."

165. Go to a gumball machine insert coins until you have a matching pair of fake eyeballs. After attaning these, record the theme song of The Twilight Zone over and over again. Drive down the street wearing the eyeballs and playing The Twilight Zone theme very loud. When you get pulled over, leap into the passenger's seat and claim, "He was here a minute ago, officer!"

166. On a night other than Halloween, get a few friends together and dress like Jason from Friday the 13th. Place each one a mile apart on an unlit highway.

167. After visiting the local donut shop, sit on the floor cross-legged and insist in a childish voice that you haven't recieved enough chocolate sprinkles.

168. Push a raisin into someone's cream-filled donut.

169. Spread fertilizer on half your neighbour's lawn.

170. Add A535 (liquid heat) to that little hole down the centre of someone's anti-perspirant.

171. Throw an Oh Henry! in a public pool.

172. When at a party with an infant present, ask the parent for a diaper. Prepare the diaper with Nutella, peanut butter, etc. Insert the diaper into the garbage can. Later, reach into the garbage, pull out the diaper, announce, "Hey, look what I found," and chow down!

173. At school, stick "presents" in people's backpacks or purses, such as mud, rocks, sticks, and leaves.

174. Call every pager number you know and leave the number for your local McDonald's.

175. Wash and scrub the trees in your front lawn.

176. Throw newspapers back at paperboys.

177. Tell people their fly is down when they're wearing sweat pants.

178. Stand on a busy corner. Gasp, look and point up. See how many people look.

179. At random times in a conversation, say "hi," "hello Sir, how are you?" or "have a good day, thank you."

Now for 180. Forward stupid chain letters to as many people as you can.

Remember: Be annoying whenever possible

Man Utd Former Players Dinner.

Are you organising a corporate event or sporting dinner?  Use the professionals!  Email me; comedianuk@sky.com for further & better particulars.  Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com

David Lloyd - Austin Knight - Geoff Miller

Are you organising a corporate event or sporting dinner?  Use the professionals!  Email me; comedianuk@sky.com for further & better particulars.  Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com