Well folks, there’s only two more Leeds Utd managers to the festive season. Has anyone got their Christmas tree up yet? I’ve got mine up. Up in the flamin’ loft, where it belongs. At least for another couple or three weeks. There are 12 Days of Christmas. Not a single one of them is in November! Wimmin take note!
A scruffy, unkempt youth with his pants hanging half off his backside, missing two front teeth and looking like it was a personal triumph he had survived past Bonfire Night strutted into the Job Centre to sign on. He marched up to the counter and said, "Hiya. You know, I just HATE claiming benefits. I'd really rather have a proper job. I don't like taking advantage of the system, gettin’ summat for nowt innit." The clerk behind the counter sez "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2016 Mercedes-Benz CL and he will supply all of your clothes." " Obviously, because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward, but you will also have to exercise extreme caution, as the daughter is in her mid twenties and is absolutely gorgeous. The guy, wide-eyed, exclaimed, "You're kiddin’' me!" The clerk replied; "Yeah, well . . . you started it."
The missus asked me if I'd ever regretted saying something. "Yes, I do" I replied.
"Well, what was it then?" she asked.
This bloke called the undertaker one afternoon and sobbed, "This is Mr
Scroggins. I need you to bury my wife."
"Mr. Scroggins? Mr Bert Scroggins?"
"Yes, that's correct."
"Didn't I bury your wife ten years ago?" the undertaker asked.
"I got married again," the bloke sobbed.
"Oh!" replied the undertaker. "Congratulations!"
Late last night, I spotted a bloke in my back garden wearing a riding hat, rugby shirt, golfing trousers and football boots, I shouted "Oi! What's your game then?".
Thought for Thursday: Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Give a woman a fish and all you get is “You call that an anniversary present?”
Fascinating Fact: It seems that the biggest cause of death is being surrounded by your family
May I have your honest opinion? Imagine, if you had to make a choice between winning the Euro Millions, or your wife, then which car would you buy?
If you don't do anything else today, be sure to tell someone about the hilarious comic Austin Knight and this craze-ridden newspaper column! Spread the gospel around the local pub, the lap dancing bar, the dole office, on the train coming back from community service, on the bus returning from visiting your probation officer, and at 30,000 leagues beneath the sea. Okay, forget about the underwater gubbins but do all the rest, that's an order! Visit my website too! www.ComedianUK.com You can email me: comedianuk@sky.com
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