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Sunday 20 November 2016

The Waiting Game....


I sauntered into a restaurant last night and sez: "Excuse me, but is my table ready as yet?" "No, not yet sir. Would you mind waiting for a few minutes?" "No,that's okay” I sez." "Great” he replied “Take these prawn cocktail starters to table six."

The Phone Call. Barmy Albert: Hi. I've had a bad accident at work. Debbie has driven me to the hospital. They may have to amputate my leg.
Non-Stick Nora: Who's Debbie?


When I was young lad, my mum said to me "You can be anyone you want to be!"
It now transpires that the police call this identity theft. My mate Sid had his ID stolen. We just call him ‘S’ now...

You can tell that Black Friday is imminent. How do you know? Tesco has got Easter eggs on sale three for the price of two!


I was born in Gorton,Manchester but used to do loads of gigs in the pubs, clubs and theatres of Blackpool and always fancied a place on Blackpool promenade, then one night I met a young couple in the Pit Bull & Stanley Knife who offered me a self contained flat on the promenade. I moved in that weekend and loved the sea view and decided to have an early night so climbed into bed just before midnight and on the stroke of midnight, the late night tram rumbled past and the flatlet began to shake like a jelly so much so, that I fell out of bed! The next day I met the lady owner while shopping in Tesco and told her about what happened and she didn't believe me! I suggested that she came up to my room to see for herself. At exactly 11-45pm, she came to up to my room. We had tea and biscuits and then got onto the bed together and just before midnight, her husband burst in and demanded to know "What the hell is going on here?" to which I replied "You’re not gonna believe this, but we’re waiting for a tram!"


My mate Dave recently lost all of his fingers in a horrible accident. I can't even begin to imagine how he feels! The surgeon at the hospital told him that with the incredible advancement of medical technology available today, if he had possessed the forethought to have packed them in ice, and brought them with him, they could have been stitched back on. Dave informed the surgeon that he was well aware of this fact. The reason why he hadn’t done this, was that he couldn’t pick ‘em up!


Thought for Thursday: You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from, and refuse to tell you where they're going.


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