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Sunday 27 November 2016

The Countdown Is On!!


Christmas presents! My scouse mate has just got his kids a trampoline and mountain bikes off the internet . I asked which web site he saw them on, and he replied, " Google Earth".

We were so poor when I was young kid, I once had a Christmas party at the local launderette because it was bright and warm. The festive game of the day was ‘Pass the Persil’. My mum used to sit up all Christmas Eve, stitching a turkeys head on a kipper.

I’ve been attempting to get rid of all the clutter in the house this week, and flogging stuff off at car boot sales and on the Yorkshire internet auction site ‘Ebay-Gum’ in a desperate attempt to accumulate valuable beer tokens. The house looks quite ‘minimalist’ now, primarily coz it’s empty! Because of this unfortunate farrago, an excuse was urgently required, so I have told everyone that I have suddenly developed a profound interest in the art of feng shui. Feng shui is a discipline with guidelines that are compatible with many techniques of agricultural planning as well as internal furniture arrangements. It’s all to do with your yings and your yangs, which to the expert, are positive and negative influences and all that manner of magnetictic activity in the ether and beyond. I suppose that you would never consider that a couch potato like me would study an ancient art like feng shui, but dear reader, you would be wrong. If you pop round to my house, you would notice that all the chairs face the telly! My house is also near a pub and a betting shop, so this constitutes perfect harmony. Geomagnetism is basic components of feng shui. Proponents claim that feng shui has an effect on health, wealth, and personal relationships. This is where the pub and the betting shop come in.

Stress is such a prolific factor in our lives now that in America (where else?) you can employ a professional worrier. It’s catching on here in the United Kingdom as well. These professional worriers charge five hundred quid per week and for this exorbitant fee, they will do all your worrying for you, thereby leaving you with a totally stress free environment. I thought that this was such an awesome concept that I have employed three of these so-called professional worriers to come and work for me on a personal basis. Of course, you are probably thinking how can I afford £1500 per week? Well the simple answer is, I can’t. But I’ll let the worriers worry about that!

Stop what you are doing immediately! I require your assistance. Plead mitigating circumstances and do the proper thing and tell all your friends about this funny column forthwith. Hasten onward before it's too late, so don't wait. Regale them about me and make them salivate. That's summat you cannot fake. I have to go now because that's my fate. Isn't that great? Cheer up! Christmas is-a-coming! Yule Log on to: You can email me too:


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