Crack Cocaine Causes Weight Loss!

                    

Had an emergency visit to A & E at the local hospital yesterday afternoon, because I’d accidentally swallowed two tablets that were inadvertently left on the table. The doctor, (who was extremely perturbed with regard to my condition) immediately performed a stomach pump and subsequently retrieved an iPad and a Kindle. I feel so much better now!

Went to a local restaurant and the missus wasn’t keen on what was on the menu.
The waiter sez, "Would you like to hear the specials, madam?"
The wife replied, “Yes please” The waiter then sez,” Dis town, Ah ah, is comin’ like a ghost town!

                      

There is absolutely NO reason to tailgate me when I am driving at 50mph in a 30mph zone.

Furthermore, those flashing blue lights on the top of your car look totally ridiculous!

Starting next month due to budget cuts, the Immigration and Customs Dept will start deporting O.A.P’ s in order to lower the Social Security and pension budget. Older people are easier to catch and less likely to be able to remember how to get back home. That’s me gone then!
                  

Things are on the up! The good news is that the missus has landed a part-time job, washing dishes. She’s not keen on her new employment, because it’s at Jodrell Bank....

                

On Monday, I went to visit the opticians up Scropton Street. Whilst we were chatting, I told him that I can see four years into the future. He reckons I've got 2020 vision!


                      

We all make mistakes. Doing certain things without forethought. For instance, I should never have called my dog 'Shark'. I've been banned from so many beaches!

                     

Thought for Thursday: Just when the caterpillar thought the world was ending, he turned into a butterfly."



The headline in the newspaper was, "Crack Cocaine Causes Weight Loss." Well it would do, wouldn't it, when there's a gigantic purple dinosaur brandishing a laser powered rocket launcher, guarding the fridge. Tell us summat we don’t know!


                               

I was really squashed up next to a young blonde woman on the train from Manchester yesterday morning. She sez to me that I was 'Creepily close'. Well, if there had been someone else in the carriage, I'd have asked for their opinion. But there wasn't. So I couldn't....



       

Are all the other folks in your dormitory just plain jealous because the mysterious voices only talk to you? Is the hamster dead, but the wheel is still going round? Well, now you can go see for yourself with my amazing new Jokey-Blog at www.ComedianUK.com. It’s comedianuk@sky.com if you fancy sending me an email. Now, get

The Electron Quantum Physics Scenario....

Took the missus to a restaurant and she didn't really like anything on the menu.
Waiter: "Would you like to hear the specials, madam?"
The Missus: "Yes, please"
Waiter: " Dis town, Ah ah, Is comin like a ghost town!!.. All da clubs am closin' down.....

I really shouldn't be sat here writing this column right now, I should be back at the University of Manchester Institute of Science & Technology, where I'm currently studying 'Electron Quantum Physics'. But it's impossible to be in two places at once, isn't it?   A further mitigating factor is that my Yoga teacher turned up absolutely bladdered yesterday and left me in a very awkward position....

                                           

When Barmy Albert was a young lad, he lived in a suburb of Tameside. None of his classmates liked him because he was an utter moron, especially his teacher, who was always shouting at him, "You’re driving me pots for rags, Albert", the teacher would exclaim. One day Albert’s mum came to school to check on how he was doing. The teacher told her honestly, that her son was simply a disaster, getting very low marks, and never had she seen such a dumb kid in her entire teaching career. The mum was shocked at the feedback and withdrew her son from school and moved out of Stalybridge, relocating to Glossop. Now read on...

25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an incurable cardio disease. All the doctors strongly advised her to have heart surgery, which only one surgeon could perform. Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was successful. When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw a handsome doctor smiling down at her. She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something, but eventually died. The doctor was shocked and was trying to work out what went wrong, when he turned around he saw Barmy Albert, who was working as a cleaner in the operating theatre and who had unplugged the oxygen equipment in order to connect his Hoover! Don't tell me you thought Barmy Albert became a heart-surgeon?

                                           

Last week, I sez to the missus, "What would you like for Valentines Day?" She replied, "You can get me anything from The Body Shop." So I've got her a front nearside wing for a Ford Focus. No doubt it'll be the wrong colour....


                                     

This blonde was selling her pet python and advertised in it in the local paper. A bloke rang up and asked if it was big. She sez, "It's massive." He said, “How many feet?" She replied, “None, it's a flamin’ snake!"





                   

I stepped back in amazement and the fella behind me stepped back further because he was amazed at how far back I'd stepped, primarily because I was exasperated with the same old boring jokes that are still being circulated around the pub and at work? I’m sure you are too, but no, not me. No sirree! I like the same old boring jokes and that's why I print them right here in this gloppy humour column every available chance I get. Accept me for what I am; completely unacceptable. Click on my joke blog: www.ComedianUK.com or better still email me: comedianuk@sky.com Oh, and If your phone didn’t ring yesterday, then it was me! Start the car!
                             

The Nasty Reaction....

   

While I was out on a gig, the missus sent me a text, informing me that she was in Casualty.  When I returned home, I watched all fifty minutes of it and never spotted her once. She still hasn’t returned home and I’m starving...


                       

I went to the doctor and told him that the pile ointment that he prescribed was causing a very nasty reaction. He sez to me, “Whereabouts are you applying it?” I replied, “On the bus...”

                       

Non-Stick Nora and Barmy Albert were meandering through a field, when Nora suddenly exclaimed, "Look Albert, there's a flock of goats!" Albert sez, "Herd of goats, you eeeeejjjut!" Nora replied, “Of course I heard of goats, there's a flamin' flock of 'em over there!"


                         

Last night, the missus was in the scullery fixing dinner. She’d break anything that woman! Anyway, we had Chicken Piri Piri. It was okay, but it kept repeating on me. When she’s cooking, she uses the smoke alarm as a timer....

                                   

This little girl sez to her Dad, "Daddy, I wish I had a little sister." Trying to be funny, the father replies, "Honey, you do have a sister." "I have?" questions the confused kid.... "Deffo," responds the dad. "You just don't see her because when you are coming in the front door, she is always leaving through the back door." The little girl gave this a few moments thought and remarked, "You mean like my other Daddy does?"
                                       

Just got a brand new 54’ Plasma TV, with surround sound! I bought it for £30 off a dodgy geezer in The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife Public House, up Scropton St (Behind the abattoir) there was just a slight problem with the volume control, but at that price, I couldn't turn it down....

                                   

Thought for Thursday: Breaking wind in a lift is wrong on so many levels...


                                     

This bloke goes into The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife Public House and orders a tankard of Farquaharsons Old & Filthy Best British Bitter Beer. After every glass of beer he pulls a picture out of his pocket and looks at it. After the fourth beer the landlord asks him why after every glass of beer he pulls the picture out and stares at it. The geezer sez: “It's a picture of my missus. When she looks good to me I'm going home.”


                             

Wit is often a mask. If you could peer behind its gossamer façade, you would find either genius irritated or cleverness wriggling. That’s why you should never let your mind wander. Summat that small shouldn’t be out on its own. Nurse, fetch the screens! Visit my website www.ComedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, assume a comical position, and then strike the pose!

                     

The Best Of The Worst Country & Western Song Titles....

      

1 - Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through The Goalposts Of Life

2 - Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In The Bed

3 - Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye

4 - Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure

5 - How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?

6 - How Can You Believe Me When I Say I Love You When You Know I've Been A Liar All My Life?

7 - I Been Roped And Thrown By Jesus In The Holy Ghost Corral

8 - I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life

9 - I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling

10 - I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me

11 - I Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart.

12 - I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You

13 - I Wanna Whip Your Cow

14 - I Would Have Writ You A Letter, But I Couldn't Spell Yuck!

15 - I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dawg Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win

16 - I'd Rather Have A Bottle In Front Of Me Than A Frontal Lobotomy

17 - I'm Just A Bug On The Windshield Of Life

18 - I'm The Only Hell Mama Ever Raised

19 - I've Been Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart

20 - I've Got The Hungries For Your Love And I'm Waiting In Your Welfare Line

21 - If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You

22 - If Love Were Oil, I'd Be A Quart Low

23 - If My Nose Were Full Of Nickels, I'd Blow It All On You

24 - If You Don't Leave Me Alone, I'll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will

25 - If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too?

26 - Mama Get The Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)

27 - My Every Day Silver Is Plastic

28 - My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love Jesus

29 - My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart

30 - My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him

31 - Oh, I've Got Hair Oil On My Ears And My Glasses Are Slipping Down, But Baby I Can See Through You

32 - Pardon Me, I've Got Someone To Kill

33 - She Got The Gold Mine And I Got The Shaft

34 - She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger

35 - She Made Toothpicks Out Of The Timber Of My Heart

36 - She's Got Freckles On Her, But She's Pretty

37 - Thank God And Greyhound She's Gone

38 - They May Put Me In Prison, But They Can't Stop My Face From Breakin' Out

39 - Velcro Arms, Teflon Heart

40 - When You Leave Walk Out Backwards, So I'll Think You're Walking In

41 - You Can't Have Your Kate And Edith Too

42 - You Can't Roller Skate In A Buffalo Herd

43 - You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat

44 - You Were Only A Splinter As I Slid Down The Bannister Of Life

45 - You're The Reason Our Baby's So Ugly

46 - I Married Her Just Because She Looks Like You

47 - My Tears Have Washed "I Love You" Off The Blackboard Of My Heart

48 - Don't Cry On My Shoulders 'Cause You're Rustin' My Spurs

49 - I Can't Love Your Body If Your Heart's Not In It

50 - I Wish I Were In Dixie Tonight, But She's Out Of Town

51 - I'll Get Over You As Soon As You Get Out From Under Him

52 - I'm Gonna Hire A Wino To Decorate Our Home

53 - I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like Having You Here

54 - If She Puts Lipstick On My Dipstick I'll Fall In Love

55 - It Takes Me All Night Long To Do What I Used To Do All Night Long

56 - Learning To Live Again Is Killing Me

57 - Please Bypass This Heart

58 - She's Out Doing What I'm Here Doing Without

59 - Do You Love As Good As You Look?

60 - I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You

61 - I'm The Only Hell Mama Ever Raised

62 - If You Don't Believe I Love You Just Ask My Wife

63 - Timber, I'm Falling in Love

64 - You're the First Time I Thought About Leaving

65 - Love Will Beat Your Brains Out

66 - Guess My Eyes Were Bigger Than My Heart

67 - It Ain't Love but It Ain't Bad

68 - The Pint of No Return

69 - This Time I'm Gonna Beat You to the Truck

70 - Hell Stays Open All Night

71 - I'd Be Better Off in a Pine Box

72 - I've Got You on My Conscience But At Least You're Off My Back

73 - Bridge Washed Out, I Can't Swim and My Baby's on the Other Side

74 - The Worst You Ever Gave Me Was the Best I Ever Had

75 - She Even Woke Me Up to Say Goodbye

76 - We Used to Just Kiss on the Lips But Now It's All Over

77 - If You Keep Checking Up on Me (I'm Checking Out on You)

78 - It Don't Hurt Half as Bad as Holding You Feels Good

79 - If Fingerprints Showed Up On Skin, Wonder Whose I'd Find On You

80 - She Feels Like A New Man Tonight

81 - The Last Word In Lonesome Is "me"

82 - When We Get Back To the Farm (That's When We Really Go To Town

83 - You Stuck My Heart In a Old Tin Can and Shot It Off a Log

84 - He's Been Drunk Since His Wife's Gone Punk

85 - I Bought the Boots That Just Walked Out On Me

86 - Ever Since I Said "I Do," There's a Lot of Things You Don't

87 - The Next Time You Throw That Fryin' Pan, My Face Ain't Gonna Be There

88 - I Don't Know Whether to Come Home or Go Crazy

89 - If You Can't Feel It (It Ain't There)

90 - Her Body Couldn't Keep You Off My Mind

91 - I Got In At 2 With A 10 And Woke Up At 10 With A 2

92 - I Hate Every Bone In Your Body Except Mine

93 - I Just Bought A Car From The Guy That Stole My Girl, But The Car Don't Run So I Figure We Got An Even Deal

94 - I Knew I'd Hit Rock Bottom When I Woke Up On Top Of You

95 - I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well

96 - I Meant Every Word That He Said

97 - I'm Not Married But The Wife Is

98 - If Whiskey Were A Woman I'd Be Married For Sure

99 - Out Of My Head And Back In My Bed

100 - Swing Wide Your Gate Of Love

101 - Tennis Must Be Your Racket 'Cause Love Means Nothin' To You

102 - What Made Milwaukee Famous (Has Made a Loser Out of Me)

103 - Who You Gonna Believe, Me Or Your Lying Eyes?

                  

#karmawinsagain

           

Today is International Ladies Day! It was supposed to be yesterday, but they weren't ready in time....
                                 

I phoned my daughter’s school up yesterday morning. "I’m very sorry, but she won't be in today as she's not very well." "Oh dear," said her teacher, "what has she got?" "P.E, English and R.E, I think!”


                                 

Fascinating Fact: Statistics prove that one in every three women are just as difficult and argumentative as the other two...


                                       

I told her honestly: "I might not be wealthy. I have no money, or villa in Mustique, or prestige cars. Neither do I own several blue-chip companies like my mate Dave, but I love you, truly, madly, deeply and I absolutely adore you." She gazed at me with huge tears welling in her beautiful blue eyes and hugged me passionately, like there is no tomorrow and whispered in my ear... : "Can you introduce me to Dave?"

                             

Thought for Thursday: Boyhood, like measles, is one of those complaints which a man should catch young and have done with, for when it comes in middle life it is apt to be serious. - P. G. Wodehouse



                               

Barmy Albert and Non-Stick Nora were lying in bed one night. Albert was nodding off, but Nora was in a romantic mood and wanted to natter. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."Wearily, Albert reached across, held her hand for a second, then tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she opined: "Then you used to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck." Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked. "To get my teeth!"


                     

The missus wants a divorce. She reckons that I think more about football, than I do about her. All this from a woman I have shared my life with for eleven seasons! She is also espousing much vitriol because of my obsession with metaphors. Well, it came straight out of the blue, I can tell you! It took the wind right out of my sails. You could have knocked me down with feather. Divorce is like algebra. You look at the ex and think ‘Y’...
                                 

Don't let stress kill you off! Why not let me help? By reading this column regularly you will exercise your guffaw glands and chortle your socks off by howling at all the fine jokes, superb entertainment and gracious hostility. Why not visit my website:  www.comedianuk.com or better still, gizzus a tweet on twitter.com/comedianuk You can email me too! comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work!

         
                               

Dry January?

  

Yesterday, I was wondering exactly what our parents must have done for entertainment before television was popular and affordable. I asked my twenty brothers and sisters if they had any ideas, but none of them could suggest an answer to this riddle.


                     


Last night, I'd just laid two intricate place settings at the dining room table, using the finest cutlery and crockery, when suddenly the missus walks in and sez, "Ooooh, this a surprise!" I looked at her and replied, "Too flamin' right it is. I didn't expect you back until tomorrow!"





I sez to the missus, "Let's have your esteemed view on the current state of Premier League football?" "It's bobbins," she replied. "Total rubbish" More than likely," I sez, "but I'd love to hear it anyway...."





Whilst visiting my daughter last night, I asked her if I could borrow a newspaper. "This is the 21st century, Dad" she said, "We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, use my iPad." That spider never knew what hit it!





My elderly neighbour, Barmy Albert knocked on my door. "Can you open a jar of Branston for me?" he asked. "Of course," I replied. "Superb!" he said, barging in. "Have you got any Cheddar and crackers as well."

A Roman soldier walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and sez: "Five beers, please."



According to the most current magazine in my dentist's waiting room, every home will have a television by 1962.



An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. “In English,” he said, “a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative … But there isn’t a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative.” A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”





If you read this weekly column regularly, then you help to make unimportant world decisions dealing with irrelevant, uncomplicated issues that influence insignificant amounts of human lives. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com


                

Goosey-Goosey Gandhi?

              

When Gandhi was studying law at the University College of London, a white professor, whose last name was Peters, disliked him intensely and always displayed prejudice and animosity towards him.
Also, because Gandhi never lowered his head when addressing him, as he expected .... there were always "arguments" and confrontations.


One day, Mr. Peters was having lunch at the dining room of the University, and Gandhi came along with his tray and sat next to the professor. The professor said, "Mr Gandhi, you do not understand. A pig and a bird do not sit together to eat."
Gandhi looked at him as a parent would a rude child and calmly replied, "You do not worry professor. I'll fly away," and he went and sat at another table.

Mr. Peters, reddened with rage, decided to take revenge on the next test paper, but Gandhi responded brilliantly to all questions. Mr. Peters, unhappy and frustrated, asked him the following question. "Mr Gandhi, if you were walking down the street and found a package, and within was a bag of wisdom and another bag with a lot of money, which one would you take?"


Without hesitating, Gandhi responded,"The one with the money, of course."


Mr. Peters , smiling sarcastically said, "I, in your place, would have taken the wisdom, don't you think?"

Gandhi shrugged indifferently and responded,"Each one takes what he doesn't have."

Mr. Peters, by this time was fit to be tied. So great was his anger that he wrote on Gandhi's exam sheet the word "idiot" and gave it to Gandhi. Gandhi took the exam sheet and sat down at his desk trying very hard to remain calm while he contemplated his next move.


A few minutes later, Gandhi got up, went to the professor and said to him in a dignified but sarcastically polite tone, "Mr. Peters, you signed the sheet, but you did not give me the grade."