Over 50?

                 

Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you too. Don't laugh.....it is all true.
Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run --anywhere.
4. People call at 9 pm and ask, did I wake you?
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat supper at 5 pm.
9. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with lift music.
14. Your eyes won't get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national BBC weather service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells are finally down to a manageable size.
19. You can't remember who sent you this list.
20. You didn't notice #10 was missing
And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.
Forward this to everyone you can remember right now!
And Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

               

Truly, Madly, Deeply....

           

I told her honestly: "I might not be wealthy. I have no money, or villa in Mustique, or prestige cars. Neither do I own several blue-chip companies like my mate Dave, but I love you, truly, madly, deeply and I absolutely adore you." She gazed at me with huge tears welling in her beautiful blue eyes and hugged me passionately, like there is no tomorrow and whispered in my ear... : "Can you introduce me to Dave?"

How would you write "Please Do Not Touch" in braille? Hmmmmm...


Fascinating Fact: Did you know that the human fart can be louder than a glockenspiel? I only discovered this at my daughter's school concert, last week.


Burns Night Tonite! Always remember that the definition of a gentleman is someone who can play the bagpipes, but dosen't.



A Roman soldier walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and sez: "Five beers, please."

An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. “In English,” he said, “a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative … But there isn’t a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative.” A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”


I sez to the missus, "Let's have your esteemed view on the current state of English football?" "It's crap," she replied. "Total rubbish." "More than likely," I sez, "but I'd love to hear it anyway...."


Apparently, it's cheaper to buy the generic form of Viagra. It's called Mycoxafloppin.


Oldham FC chairman said today: "Of course he's NOT welcome here! An ongoing sex case, media glare, protests and awful publicity? No way, are we signing Prince Andrew!"

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Ghurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Jordanian, a Kiwi, a Swede, a Finn, a Canadian, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, an Argentinian, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist and an African went to a night club.  The bouncer said, "Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai...

                      

60th High School Reunion: He was a widower and she a widow. Now read on...

                         

           

They had known each other for a number of years being high school classmates and having attended class reunions in the past without fail.

This 60th anniversary of their class, the widower and the widow made a foursome with two other singles.

They had a wonderful evening, their spirits high.

The widower throwing admiring glances across the table. The widow smiling coyly back at him.

Finally, he picked up courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"

After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered,

"Yes,..... yes I will!"

The evening ended on a happy note for the widower. But the next morning he was troubled.

Did she say “Yes” or did she say “No?”

He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. He went over the conversation of the previous evening,
but his mind was blank.

He remembered asking the question but for the life of him could not recall her response. With fear and trepidation he picked up the phone and called her.

First, he explained that he couldn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the past evening.
As he gained a little more courage he then inquired of her. "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say “Yes” or did you say “No?”

"Why you silly man, I said ‘Yes. Yes I will.’ And I meant it with all my heart."

The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat.

Then she continued. "And I am so glad you called because I couldn't remember who asked me!”
       

Alien Invasion!

The British Border Agency is asking UK citizens to be on the lookout for a red 1951 Chevy that they suspect is being used to smuggle illegal immigrants from Calais to Dover, through the Channel Tunnel.


If you see the vehicle pictured below and have reason to believe that it is the suspect vehicle, you are urged to contact your local police station ...

In The Beginning....

God said, 'Adam, I want you to do something for Me.'

Adam said, 'Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?'


God said, 'Go down
into that valley.'

Adam said, 'What's
a Valley?'

God explained it to him. Then God said, 'Cross the river.'

Adam said, 'What's a
River?'

God explained that to him, and then said, 'Go over to the hill....'

Adam said, 'What is a hill?'


So, God explained to
Adam what a hill was.
He told Adam, 'On the
other side of the hill you will find a cave.'

Adam said, 'What's a cave?'

After God explained,
He said, 'In the cave
you will find a woman.'


Adam said, 'What's a woman?'

So God explained
that to him, too. Then, God said, 'I want you to reproduce.'

Adam said, 'How do
I do that?'

God first said (under
His breath), 'Jeez.....'

And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down
into the valley,

Across the river, and
over the hill, into the
cave, and finds the woman.

Then, in about five minutes, he was back.

God, His patience wearing thin, said angrily, 'What is it now?'

And Adam said....


"What's a headache?' 

                     

Lexophiles....

           

"Lexophile" is a word used to describe those that have a love for words such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish",

or

"to write with a broken pencil is pointless."


A competition to see who can come up with the best lexophiles is held every year in an undisclosed location.


This year's winning submission is posted at the very end. 

When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.


A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.


When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

The batteries were given out free of charge.


A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.



A will is a dead giveaway.



With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.



A boiled egg is hard to beat.



 When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.



Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.



Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.


A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.


 When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.



The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.



He had a photographic memory which was never developed.



 When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.



Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.


And the cream of the twisted crop:


Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.


ALWAYS LAUGH WHEN YOU CAN ... IT'S CHEAP MEDICINE.

                       

             

Triple Dose...

This bloke went to the doctor 's office to ask for a triple dosage of Viagra. Doctor: I can’t give you a triple dose. Man: Why not? Doctor: Because it's not safe. Man: But I need it really bad. Doctor: Well, why do you need it so badly? Man: My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday, my ex-wife will be here on Saturday and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I've got to have a triple dose. The doctor finally relented. Doctor: All right, I'll give it to you, but you have to come in Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects. On Monday afternoon the man dragged himself into the doctor’s office...his right arm in a sling. Doctor: Good God! What happened to you? Man: No one showed up...                                                              VIAGRA HEAD OFFICE: Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight. When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills. The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive." "How much?" asked Grandpa. "£10 a pill," answered the son. "I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow." Later the next morning, the son found £110 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was £10, not £110. " "I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma. "

Two elderly residents, a man and a woman, were alone in the lounge of their nursing home one evening.


The old man looked over and said to the old lady, "I know just what you're wanting. For £5, I'll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair."

The old lady looked surprised, but didn't say a word.

The old man continued, "For £10, I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there, but for £20, I'll take you back to my room, light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life."

The old lady still said nothing but, after a couple of minutes, started digging down in her purse. She pulleds out a wrinkled £20 note and held it up.

"So you want the nice romantic evening in my room ?" said the old man.

"Get serious," she replied. "Four times in the rocking chair!!!"