No Movember!

Last week, shortly after my British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain came over the tannoy and announced: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight 293, from Manchester to London, Heathrow. The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight. So, sit back, relax, and.........Oh my God!" Silence then ensued. A few minutes later, the captain came back on the intercom. "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my trousers!" From the back of the plane, I shouted, “You should see the back of mine!” Isn’t life grand when you’re barmy!

I sez to the missus, (I call her ‘Babe’- you’ve seen the film) over dinner last night, "Have I told you that you look absolutely divine today?" " No you haven't" she said with a bashful smile. "Well, there's a reason for that," I replied....

Since time immemorial, most people have been searching for an answer to something. The meaning of life, true love, or their place in the world. Or deeper issues like, how do you get a Reliant Robin on a ramp or where are the next generation of seedless grapes gonna come from? Me? I'm still trying to find Wally!

A chauffeur driven Rolls-Royce Silver Phantom pulled up outside my door yesterday. This guy in a tuxedo, brandishing a crystal glass of champagne alighted from the back of the car and calmly meandered down the drive. I rushed out of the house and shouted, “Oooooh! Have I won the Euro millions?” “No” he sniffed. “I’ve come to read your gas meter!”

Barmy Albert was lying in his new girlfriend's bed, when he suddenly noticed four lines carved into the headboard. "Is that how many men you've slept with? he asked. "Yes", she replied, "One thousand, one hundred and eleven." Oh dear. Hat and coat time already!

In church, I heard a lady in the pew next to me saying a prayer. It was so sweet and sincere that I just had to share with you: "Dear Lord, This has been a tough two or three years.
You have taken my favourite actor Patrick Swayze. My favourite musician Michael Jackson.
My favourite blues singer Amy Winehouse. My favourite actress Elizabeth Taylor.
I want you to know that my favourite politicians are: David Cameron, Nick Clegg and George Osborne”.


Last November, everyone grew a moustache and it was called Movember. I'm not bothering with all that rubbish this year, so I'm calling it NoMovember, or November for short...


Are all the other folks in your dormitory just plain jealous because the mysterious voices only talk to you? Is the hamster dead, but the wheel is still going round? Well, now you can go see for yourself with my amazing new Jokey-Blog at www.ComedianUK.com. It’s comedianuk@sky.com if you fancy sending me an email. Now, get back to work!

Hallelujah!

This is a true story, told to me by an English guy who was stopped and asked to give a breathalyzer test. This particular English bloke lives near Le Bugue in the Dordogne and at the time he was stopped he was really bladdered! The gendarme signals for him to wind down the window then asks him if he has been drinking, and with a slurring speech the English bloke replies; 'Yes, this morning I was at my (hic)..daughter's wedding, and as I don't like church much I went to the cafe opposite and had several beers.' 'Then during the wedding banquet I seem to remember downing three great bottles of wine; (hic)... a Corbieres, a Minervois and (hic)...a Faugeres.' 'Then to finish off during the celebrations.... and (hic) during the evening ...me and my mate Dave downed a bottle of Johnny Walker's black label.' Getting impatient the gendarme warns him; 'Do you understand I'm a policeman and have stopped you for an alcohol test'? The Englishman with a grin on his face replies; 'And do you understand that I'm English, same as my car, and that my wife is sitting in the other seat, at the steering wheel?'

Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine fella, who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve. Housework was a woman's job, but one evening, Nora arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer. Dinner was in the oven, and the table set. She was flabbergasted! It turns out that Albert had read an article that said, 'Wives who work full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to make love'. The night went very well. The next day, Nora told her friends all about it. 'We had a great dinner. Albert even cleaned up the kitchen. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening.' 'But what about afterwards?' asked her friends. 'Oh, that........... Albert was too tired.'

I was in a mobile phone shop: "This is a high-end Smart Watch," said the assistant. "It features full mobile phone capability, meaning you can make and receive calls simply by holding it up to your ear." "Sounds great," I said. "But then how would I tell the time?"
He said, "That's what your mobile phone is for." Hmmm, methinks that life was much easier when Apple and Blackberry were merely fruits...

I knocked on my neighbour's door yesterday, and said, "Sorry to be cheeky, but do you mind if I use your bathroom? Mine's out of order at the present time." "Not at all, come on in," he laughed. About twenty minutes later he knocked the door and said, "Excuse me, but are you all right in there?" I shouted, "I'm spot on. You need to buy more Radox bubble bath, by the way."

If you read this weekly column regularly, then you help to make unimportant world decisions dealing with irrelevant, uncomplicated issues that influence insignificant amounts of human lives. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com

Tightly packed isobars...

BBC WEATHER WARNING! "With force 8 gales battering the United Kingdom, be prepared for objects coming off the line, such as items of clothing or Joe Hart."

Horrible weather here today. Tempestuous rain and fifty mile an hour gales. The missus has done nowt but gaze through the front window. After four hours, I felt quite guilty and decided to let her in...

My dyslexic friend has rubbed Cherry Blossom shoe polish all over his tallywacker. I sez, "You stoopid git, your supposed to turn your clock back!"

"Trick or Treat?" sez this teenager at the door. "What have you come as?" I asks. "A Werewolf." came the reply. "But you're just wearing jeans & T-Shirt" I say. "Yeah, but it's not a full moon yet!" came the reply....

A policeman stopped a Scouser as he walked out of Curry's Electrical yesterday. He said, "Before I perform a search, do you have anything sharp in your pockets?" The Scouser sez, "No officer, just Sony and Panasonic."

BREAKING NEWS: Hollywood are doing a remake of The Exorcist. In this version, a woman hires the devil to get a priest out of her son...

A little girl says, "Daddy, I wish I had a little sister." Endevouring to be funny, the daddy says, "Honey, you do have a sister." "I do?" questions the confused youngster.... "Sure," responds the dad. "You just don't see her because when you are coming in the front door, she is always leaving through the back door." The little girl gave this a few moments thought and remarked, "You mean just like my other daddy does?"

Best tip I've ever been given. Don't want to be embarrassed while buying something untoward? Then just buy a birthday card with it! Sorted innit!

By the time the soldier pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere", he pleaded with a proprietor.   "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, but he is an Air Force guy" admitted the manager, and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you. "

No problem." the tired Army guy assured him, "I'll take it." The next morning the soldier came down to breakfasts bright-eyed and bushy tailed.

"How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.

"Never better", said the soldier. The manager was impressed.

"No problem with the other guy snoring all night long?"

"No, I shut him up in no time", explained the soldier.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the proprietor.

"Well, he was already in bed, snoring away, when I walked into the room, so I gave him a kiss on the cheek" explained the soldier. "Then, I whispered in his ear 'Good night beautiful', and he sat up all night watching me!

According to a recent scientific study, the best way to avoid being killed by a shark is by poking it in the eyes. Not that I class myself as smarter than these scientists, but I think I will stick to my current tactic of living in Glossop.

Something positive comes from summat negative. If you've ever lost your iPhone, take solace in the thought that maybe, just maybe - a large family of mice has now acquired a giant flat-screen TV.

If I could offer you some bona-fide advice for the future: Dance like you are mortally injured. Make love like your being filmed and you need the money. Work when people are watching. Dress up in Lycra. Always leave a false name. Be legendary. Believe in Karma.If at first you don’t succeed, then that’s the end of skydiving! Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work!

Hallowe'en Speshul!

I love Halloween. The cobwebs in my house look like decorations! I hear that Jehovah’s Witnesses don’t like Halloween at all. They can’t stand people coming knocking on their door and mithering them!

I always greet every stranger I meet with ‘Happy Birthday!’ I do get an awful lot of blank stares. But it's well worth it for the occasional, "How the flamin’ hell did you know?" I’ve also been wishing folk ‘Merry Christmas!’ Mark my words, in a couple of months, everyone will be saying it...

Granny was on her deathbed, talking to her beloved granddaughter: "I may die any minute, so I want you to inherit my farm including the villa, tractor, the farmhouse and all the livestock and £22,389,630.00 in cash". The granddaughter replied: “Wow!” “Thanks granny, I didn't know you even had a farm and all this wealth! Where exactly is it?" Granny whispers with her last dying breath..... It's on my Facebook."

I was in Wetherspoons and asked the barman, “Do you do cash back?” He replied, “Yes, we do, mate.” I sez, “Well give me back the thirty quid I spent in here today, the wife’s gonna kill me when she finds out!”

I saw this homeless guy lying on the pavement outside the train station, and said, "Would you like me to give you an air mattress?" "Yes, please", he smiled. "Here you go", I said, "and you can have this air guitar as well." Is there no beginning to my generosity?

Here is summat that you didn’t know about yours truly. I'm passionate about conserving endangered animals. You should taste my panda jam. It’s delicious!

A Yorkshire man and a Scouser go into Greggs. The Scouser nicks three pies and puts them in his pocket, then boasts to the Yorkshire bloke, "Did you see that? Nobody even saw me!" The Yorkshire fella sez, "That's nowt mate, just watch this." So the Yorkshire man goes back into the shop and says to the manager, "Gi'us three pies, and I'll show thee some magic." whereupon he eats all three, as bold as brass, right in front of the manager. The manager says, "So, where's the magic in that?" The Yorkshire man says, "Go and check that Scouser's pocket."

Yesterday, I was walking up Scropton Street, with the missus (or Jurassic Park in Knickers, as I lovingly refer to her.) when a hearse drove past, "That will be you one day, in one of those" she snickered. "Yes, and I hope I'm driving with you in the back," I replied. Isn’t life grand when you’re barmy?

Wit is often a mask. If you could peer behind its gossamer façade, you would find either genius irritated or cleverness wriggling. That’s why you should never let your mind wander. Summat that small shouldn’t be out on its own. Nurse, fetch the screens! Visit my website www.ComedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, assume a comical position, and then strike the pose! All the cool kids are at it!

Classified Ads....

The Thinker....

What profound thinkers men are... I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

The missus (or Shrek in a frock, as I lovingly refer to her) passed by and asked me what I was doing and I said 'nothing'. The reason I said that instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she would have said 'about what'. At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other questions.

Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts." I rest my case.

Time for another beer...

The Door....

                                                                Height is important....

Have you ever walked into a room with some purpose in mind, only to completely forget what that purpose was? Turns out, doors themselves are to blame for these strange memory lapses. Psychologists at the University of Notre Dame have discovered that passing through a doorway triggers what's known as an ‘Event Boundary’ in the mind, separating one set of thoughts and memories from the next. Your brain files away the thoughts you had in the previous room and prepares a blank slate for the new locale. Thank goodness for studies like this. It's not our age, it's that flamin’ door! Did I tell you about this already?

I was sauntering down Scropton Street yesterday morning and spotted this bloke who was on crutches and wearing a camouflage jacket. I said to him, “You can hide, but you can’t run!”

I entered my local paper's pun contest... I sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Sir Alex Ferguson has been honoured by having a road named after him outside Old Trafford.
Away fans are advised when driving down Sir Alex Ferguson Way, to add an extra nine minutes to their journey.


After being interviewed by the school administration committee, the prospective teacher said: "Let me see if I've got this right. You want me to go into that room with all those kids, correct their disruptive behaviour, observe them for signs of abuse, monitor their dress habits, censor their T-shirt messages and instil in them a love for learning. You want me to check their backpacks for weapons, wage war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, and raise their sense of self esteem and personal pride. You want me to teach them patriotism and good citizenship, sportsmanship and fair play, and how to register to vote, balance a chequebook, and apply for a job. You want me to check their heads for lice, recognize signs of antisocial behaviour, and ensure that they all pass their final exams. You also want me to provide them with an equal education regardless of their handicaps, and communicate regularly with their parents in English, Spanish or any other language, by letter, telephone, newsletter, and report card.
You want me to do all this with a piece of chalk, a blackboard, a bulletin board, a few books, a big smile, and a starting salary that qualifies me for butter tokens. You want me to do all this, and then you tell me...... I CAN'T PRAY! or wear a little cross or say "Happy Christmas" because someone might take offence? "

Cilla Black & Carol Decker are opening a tool shop together. It's going to be called Cilla & Carol's tool shop.


Real time slows as you approach the speed of light, whereas time flies when you’re having fun! So if you go slower. Do you have more fun or do you just get more light? Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com Email me: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work. Spring has sprung! Top of Form