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Monday 18 November 2013

No Movember!

Last week, shortly after my British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain came over the tannoy and announced: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight 293, from Manchester to London, Heathrow. The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight. So, sit back, relax, and.........Oh my God!" Silence then ensued. A few minutes later, the captain came back on the intercom. "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my trousers!" From the back of the plane, I shouted, “You should see the back of mine!” Isn’t life grand when you’re barmy!

I sez to the missus, (I call her ‘Babe’- you’ve seen the film) over dinner last night, "Have I told you that you look absolutely divine today?" " No you haven't" she said with a bashful smile. "Well, there's a reason for that," I replied....

Since time immemorial, most people have been searching for an answer to something. The meaning of life, true love, or their place in the world. Or deeper issues like, how do you get a Reliant Robin on a ramp or where are the next generation of seedless grapes gonna come from? Me? I'm still trying to find Wally!

A chauffeur driven Rolls-Royce Silver Phantom pulled up outside my door yesterday. This guy in a tuxedo, brandishing a crystal glass of champagne alighted from the back of the car and calmly meandered down the drive. I rushed out of the house and shouted, “Oooooh! Have I won the Euro millions?” “No” he sniffed. “I’ve come to read your gas meter!”

Barmy Albert was lying in his new girlfriend's bed, when he suddenly noticed four lines carved into the headboard. "Is that how many men you've slept with? he asked. "Yes", she replied, "One thousand, one hundred and eleven." Oh dear. Hat and coat time already!

In church, I heard a lady in the pew next to me saying a prayer. It was so sweet and sincere that I just had to share with you: "Dear Lord, This has been a tough two or three years.
You have taken my favourite actor Patrick Swayze. My favourite musician Michael Jackson.
My favourite blues singer Amy Winehouse. My favourite actress Elizabeth Taylor.
I want you to know that my favourite politicians are: David Cameron, Nick Clegg and George Osborne”.

Last November, everyone grew a moustache and it was called Movember. I'm not bothering with all that rubbish this year, so I'm calling it NoMovember, or November for short...

Are all the other folks in your dormitory just plain jealous because the mysterious voices only talk to you? Is the hamster dead, but the wheel is still going round? Well, now you can go see for yourself with my amazing new Jokey-Blog at It’s if you fancy sending me an email. Now, get back to work!

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