Nigella Rules....

Christmas Cooking Tip: To get the best results and most perfect icing on your Christmas cake, ask Nigella to sneeze on it...

Talk about fickle! Sometimes, she'll wear my PJ's in bed. If it's freezing like last night, she'll put my jacket round her shoulders. She will even wear my socks. But when I wear her bra & kecks just one f***ing time, I have 'Underlying Issues' and I need 'Cognitive Behavioral Therapy'. ffs!

My local pub, The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing £1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a punter. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried, over time: Weightlifters, Dockers, etc., but nobody could do it. Then one day, this scrawny little fellow came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a small voice, "I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said, "Okay,” grabbed the lemon and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little bloke. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence, as the man clenched his little fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the £1000, and asked the little man: "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?" The little geezer quietly replied: "No, I work for the Inland Revenue."

Fascinating Fact: Did you know that if you say the word ‘Gullible’ very slowly, it sounds like ‘Oranges.’ Incredible!

I have downloaded Fleetwood Mac voice onto my SatNav. It keeps saying, "You Can Go Your Own Way" wherever I am. So I'm constantly lost!

I’ve decided to take up a hobby, in order to alleviate the monotony of an otherwise dull day. Barmy Albert has strongly recommended Archery. I walked up to the desk in the leisure centre and asked where to go for the 'Archery for Beginners' class. "Just follow the arrows on the floor." he told me. Isn’t life grand when you’re barmy!


Cockney folk take note! Regarding ‘Knees Up Mother Brown’. Since time immemorial we northerners have been alarmed to witness your haranguing of an elderly woman. Not only do you insist that the hapless matriarch is obliged to position herself beneath fixtures and fittings, but you also see fit to threaten her with below hip amputation should she have to stoop to do so. Your unfeasible request is surely nigh on impossible to be acceded to whilst sustaining rigidity. Failure to address these shortcomings will result in my obligation to report you to Social Services for abuse.

In life, there are only two things to worry about: whether you are in fine fettle or whether you are poorly sick. If you're fit, fine wonderful & well, then there's nowt to worry about. If your back legs have gone, there are only two things to worry about: whether you will get betterer or whether you'll turn your toes up. If you get betterer, there's nowt whatsoever to worry about. If you're going to snuff it, you have only two things to worry about: whether you go to heaven or whether you go to hell. If you go to heaven, you have nothing to worry about. If you arrive in hell, you'll meet so many of your friends there, you'll feel very much at home, So why worry? Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com and strike the pose!