Man Utd Betting Scandal!

David Moyes is planting carrots and spuds around the perimeter of the pitch at Old Trafford, so he'll have summat to pick up at the end of the season...

BREAKING NEWS:  Greater Manchester Police are investigating a new football betting scandal.  Someone has put a £10 on a Man Utd win next weekend!

This woman walks into a bakery, looks at the festive products on the shelves, points and says, “How much is that Christmas cake?”  “It’s five quid, madam.” came the reply. She points at another, “How much is that one?”  “Five pounds.” says the owner. “What about the one over there.” asks the lady? “They are all a fiver.” says the proprietor again. “What about that one over there?”  “ It’s a tenner.” he replies. “Why does that one cost more?”  The customer asked. “Because that’s Madeira cake!”  Geddit!

The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.  Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."   The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.  "Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."   The meeting suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.  After a few moments a bloke, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.  "Yes?" said the Instructor.  "I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?" Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?  This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught. For Sale: Red and White Manchester United lamp. Looks really good in the middle of table. Oh folly folly! I don’t know which will come first. Man Utd’s end of season dinner or Moyes’s leaving do! Got a Manchester United sledge for Christmas. I’ve never gone downhill so fast! Ebay is not that simple. I’ve been looking for a cigarette lighter for a Christmas present for Non-Stick Nora and have found over 18,000 matches! Moreover, I went to W.H. Smith and got a book of 1000 raffle tickets for £2.50 which is a bargain because they are normally £1 a strip. All these preparations for Yuletide are tiring me out! I’m absolutely shattered with all the running around. Sometimes, I wish that baby Jesus was born at a less busy time of the year. Just looking at the nativity scene at my local church and I can't help thinking how it reminds me of the Jeremy Kyle Show. You have a mother with a baby, loads of hangers on and some wretched bloke who maintains that he isn't the father!

A donkey and a chicken became very good friends.  One day the donkey fell into a muddy pond and got stuck. He cried for help E-AW! E-AW! E-AW!   When the chicken heard his cries she came to his aid, and dashed back to the farm for help, but there was no one there - no farmer and no tractor. The only thing was a BMW car, so the chicken jumped in and switched on the engine and drove back to the pond, tied a rope to the bumper and threw it to the donkey, and pulls him out .. HOORAY!  Now shortly after this the chicken falls into the pond and gets stuck. The donkey comes to the rescue and straddles the pond and says to the chicken "Catch hold of my dick with your beak and I'll pull you out" HOORAY, the chicken is saved!!!   The moral of this story is - if your dick is big enough you don't need a BMW to pull a chick! Benjamin Button Benjamin who? Benjamin Who's there? Knock knock With Christmastide on the horizon, I made a point this week to finish off a few things that I have started. So today, I’ve finished off half a bottle of vodka, a tin of Quality Street, two cans of lager that I found at the back of the kitchenette cupboard and a large packet of Nachos, that went ‘out of date’ in September 2008. They tasted okay to me! Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com.   Now, get back to gift-wrapping  them prezzies!