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Tuesday 24 December 2013

Have a Cool Yule, Dude!

'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house,
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse...
I really should have invested in one of those carbon monoxide detectors.

When I was a kid, we were so poor, me mam used to sit up all Christmas Eve, stitching a turkeys head on a kipper...

A travel agent looked up from his desk on Christmas Eve and saw an older lady and an older gentleman peering into the shop window, where there were posters of glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a good week, and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.  He called them into his shop.  "I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday,  so I am sending you to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won’t take no for an answer."
He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five-star hotel. The older lady and gentleman, as could be expected, gladly accepted and were off!
About a month later, the little lady came in to the travel agency.
"And how did you like your holiday?" the agent asked eagerly.
"The flight was exciting, and the room was lovely," she said. "I’ve come to thank you.
But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old bloke I had to share the room with?"

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don’t believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

It was many years since the embarrassing day when a young woman with a baby in her arms entered the butcher’s shop and confronted the butcher with the news that the baby was his and what was he going to do about it?

After some denials and argument, he capitulated and promised to provide her with free meat until the boy turned 16 she greed.

He ticked the years off on his calendar until one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said “I’ll be 16 tomorrow.”

“I know” said the butcher, “I’ve been counting too."

And tell your mother when you get home that this is the last free meat she will get, then watch the expression on her face.”

When the boy arrived home and told his mother she nodded and said,

“Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk and free groceries for the past 16 years and watch the expression on his face!”

At Christmas, a real woman is a man’s best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day. She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires. She will make sure he always feels as though he’s the most handsome man in the room and will en
able him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible. No wait… Sorry… I’m thinking of beer. That’s what beer does… Never mind.

             The turkey's well chilled bro!

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