PEOPLE WHO KNOW HOW TO FUCKING PARK ON BRINK OF EXTINCTION from The Daily Mash.

DRIVERS who can position their car in the middle of a parking space at a supermarket are sliding closer to extinction, conservationists have warned.










Yet another symptom of climate change? Or is he just an unspeakable bastard who deserves to die?Research teams have recorded a sharp decline in numbers over the last decade, despite strenuous efforts to educate the public about how easy it is to just put your fucking car in the middle of a parking space.



Dr Tom Logan, head of species protection at the WWF, said: "There is a series of white lines separated by spaces roughly the same width as a car, plus a little bit more. Let's think of that as the first Great Big Fucking Clue shall we?



"As we approach, we then have to ask ourselves: 'do I park on the white line, do I straddle the white line or do I get my huge, chocolate-covered face out of my fat, greedy, unwashed arse and just put the fucking car in the middle of the fucking space?'"



Conservationists have blamed the crisis on a combination of poaching, loss of habitat and an unbelievable fucking selfishness by a bunch of total and complete bastards who deserve to die on a spike.



"There are now less than 50 people in the UK who are able to do this," said Dr Logan. "That's not just a tragedy for our planet, it's doing my fucking head in every time I go to Homebase."



WWF warned that drivers who can park in the middle of a space will soon share the fate of people who knew not to park four feet from the fucking kerb, extinct since 1993.



Dr Logan added: "A fucking mountain gorilla could do this with its fucking eyes shut, but for some reason the average British motorist seems to think every car park in the world was made just for them.



"Or maybe they've heard that if they park on the white line Graham-fucking- Norton is going to jump out from behind a bottle-bank and send them on holiday to Orlando.



"Anyway, the point is we need more money."













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Gordon Brown Latest!!

Coalition Latest!!!

Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg has said that he is ‘honoured’ by his new appointment as personal fag to David Cameron.




Under the arrangement, Mr Clegg will perform household chores for the Prime Minister including pressing his trousers, brushing his jacket and polishing his shoes. In return, Mr Cameron will protect Clegg from being bullied by other members of Cabinet.



‘Of course Clegg is not a full boarder,’ said Cameron, ‘he’s a day boy. But rest assured, we will treat him with the respect that he deserves.’



‘This is a unique opportunity,’ said Clegg, ‘For some people, running around and opening doors for your fagmaster might seem demeaning. But for me, this is a price that I have to pay. That, and my lunch money.’



David Cameron denied allegations that some Liberal Democrats were already being bullied after Danny Alexander was found with his head down the lavatory and Chris Huhne had to visit matron after being given a wedgie. ‘This is all part of the rough and tumble of government,’ said Cameron, ‘I am sure that the new boys will soon get used to this horseplay and find their rightful place in the pecking order, at the bottom.’



Meanwhile, it is understood that Vince Cable will be expected to wear a pinny and serve tea to Chancellor, George Osborne. ‘This isn’t exactly what I had signed up for,’ said Mr Cable, ‘and it may take a little while getting used to my new ministerial title as ‘Scullion’.’



When asked whether he had sold out to the Prime Minister, Clegg replied, ‘I have made his bed, and he will lie in it.

Advice Column....

On his death bed, Earl Woods gave Tiger the following advice:

"Focus on golf. F**k everything else."

Speshul Birthday Reminder ~ This week....

Monica Lewinsky turns 44.


Can you believe it?



It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees, putting everything in her mouth.



They grow up so fast, don't they?

Air Fungus...

Let’s spare a thought for Michael O’Leary, Chief Executive of Ryanair.

Arriving in a hotel in Dublin , he went to the bar and asked for a pint of Guinness.
The barman nodded and said “that will be one Euro please, Mr. O’Leary”.


Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replied “That’s a very competitive price” and handed over his money.
“Will you be wanting a glass with your Guinness, sir?” enquired the barman.

Polling Day ~ The Race is ON!!

A bigot is a person obstinately or intolerantly devoted to his or her own opinions and prejudices. The correct use of the term requires the elements of obstinacy, irrationality, and animosity toward those of a differing devotion. But what if they are the opinions of the masses? After Gordon Browns visit to Rochdale, Mrs Gillian Duffy has decided that she will not vote at all, not for any of the parties. I think I’ll join her. As Bernard Manning always said to me about polling day, “It’s like changing deckchairs on the Titanic.” How right he was!




Only in the UK do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well. "Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking creatures". After the MP’s expenses debacle, then nothing could be nearer the truth.



The last three weeks of boring Political T.V debates prove just one thing: all three candidates can tell us all their prospective manifestos’ in just under a few minutes. Britain is experiencing the worst "brain drain" of any country, as highly qualified professionals settle abroad, an authoritative international study showed yesterday. During this "brain drain," period, not one single politician has left the country. What does THAT tell you?

Nobody can fix the economy.

Nobody can be trusted with their finger on the button.

Nobody's perfect.

Vote for Nobody.





A Poem All about Getting Old:



A is for apple, and B is for boat,

That used to be right, but now it won't float!

Age before beauty is what we once said,

But let's be a bit more realistic instead.



A's for arthritis;

B's the bad back,

C's the chest pains,

Perhaps car-d-iac?



D is for dental decay and decline,

E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!

F is for fissures and fluid retention

G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.



H is high blood pressure--I'd rather it low

I’s for incisions with scars you can show.

J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,

K is for knees that crack when they bend.

L for libido, what happened to sex?

M is for memory, I forget what comes next.

N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low

O is for osteo, bones that don't grow!

P for prescriptions, I have quite a few,

Just give me a pill, I'll be good as new!

Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?

R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.

S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,

T is for Tintinitus, bells in my ears!

U is for urinary, troubles with flow;

V for vertigo, that's 'dizzy', you know.

W for worry, NOW what's going 'round?

X is for X ray, and what might be found.

Y for another year I'm left here behind,

Z is for zest I still have-- in my mind.



I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed,

And I'm keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed!!!





Tomorrow, we will have a new government. So why not visit my website and cheer yerself up! Just click on: www.ComedianUK.com and visit my Jokey-Blog. Now, get down the dole office and sign on!