This is good. But is it Art?

 

                                             

I've been helping my old mate Art Garfunkel update and modernise his antiquated kitchenette. The wooden floor had dry rot, so we decided to rip it all out and replace it with a concrete floor. We were shovelling  all the concrete down for the floor, but unfortunately copious amounts of air pockets appeared in it and it was all uneven and skewiff. Luckily, Art had ordered many brand-new white goods items for the new kitchenette, so I ended up dragging one over the top to conceal the bumpy surface. Now, he's got a fridge over bubbled mortar.

While I was at Art’s council maisonette, who should pop in to help us mix the concrete, but my other bosom buddy and Art’s erstwhile partner Paul Simon. As we were shovelling the sand and cement into the mixer, I asked him: “Paul, just remind me, what was that massive hit you had back in the eighties?” he replied: “Call me Al.” I sez: “Okay. Al, what was that massive hit you had back in the eighties?” Paul Simon helping us was a big mistake, because later on, we realised that the concrete floor had begun Slip, Sliding Away. I told him that the mix was three of sand and one of cement, but as all these pop icons seem to do, he insisted on a re-mix.

Veteran rocker Alan Price, formerly of The Animals sauntered in to assist with the project. He told me that he might be moving permanently to America. He’s going to relocate to New Orleans. Apparently, there is a house there. When he spotted the wonky concrete floor he started laughing and began singing: “This Is The House That Jack Built.”    .” I was unaware that Alan had brought Simon Smith and his Amazing Dancing Bear with him. The bear started tap-dancing on the wet concrete, leaving a trail of footprints and exacerbating the poor condition of the floor surface. Simon Smith enticed the bear out of the area with a piece of cheese. The cheese was Camembert. (Geddit?)

Mark Knopfler called in as well! He was carrying a large ornate picture frame and a bag of chips. Art Garfunkel asked him: "Where’ve you been all day?" Mark replies, "They asked me to open the new art museum and if I'd do it, they sez that I can have a rare French impressionist painting, then I called in the chippy on the way here." "How much cash did you spend today then?” Asked Paul Simon "Absolutely nowt!" exclaimed Mark, "They were all avid Dire Straits fans. I got the Monet for nothin' and the chips were free."

While we were buying the sand and cement in B & Q, we bumped into Bono from U2. He was wandering around aimlessly and appeared to be a tad disorientated. I asked him why he was going up and down every aisle and tut-tutting. He sez: “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For...”

Outside on the car park, there was an Abba tribute band playing. They were excessively loud. You could hear the drums from Nando’s. You can’t judge a book by it’s cover, but you certainly can with a tribute band. I often wonder if Steve and Dave had formed the band instead of Benny and Björn, would they have called it ASDA?

It was fantastic seeing all my old mates. All their respective songs are timeless and the music perennial. I just can’t get into the music of today. I’ve always thought that Arianna Grande was a font!

The missus sez she’s leaving me due to my obsession with the Pet Shop Boys. What have I? What have I? What have I done to deserve this?

Famous Quotes: “To be is to do”—Socrates. “To do is to be”—Jean-Paul Sartre. “Do be do be do”—Frank Sinatra.

Breaking News: Elton John has purchased a multi-gym and rowing machine for his miniature pet rabbit. It’s a little fit bunny…

Julie Andrews will no longer be endorsing Rimmel Vibrant Shades Lipstick, as she claims it breaks too easily and makes her breath smell putrid. In a statement she said: "The super colour fragile lipstick gives me halitosis!"

Gerry Marsden sang: “You’ll Never Walk Alone.” I’ve been to Liverpool quite a few times and I must say that it’s very good advice.

Fascinating Fact: If Celine Dion sang just the vowels in her name, it would be the chorus to Old McDonald Had A Farm…

Could all my readers who signed up for my yodelling lesson classes, please form an orderly, orderly, orderly, orderly queue.....

 I decided to download a sexy female voice onto my Sat-Nav to accompany me on the tedious journeys that I have to undertake, constantly criss-crossing the tarmacadam infrastructure of the UK motorway network. It was the worst thing I could have done.  I downloaded Bonnie Tyler.  Now it keeps telling me to “Turn Around.”  And every now and then, it falls apart, plus I got lost in France.

Next time you’re up Scropton Street back snicket, then pop into The Pitt Bull and Stanley-knife pub and raise a glass to cheating, stealing, fighting, drinking and internet surfing. If you cheat, may you cheat death; if you steal, may you steal a woman’s heart; if you fight, may you fight for a brother and if you drink, may you drink with me. If you go surfing, then visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest. Now get back to work!