Too much information....

                                             

The missus was whinging about putting on so much weight recently, and I innocently sez: “Maybe you should eat a little less, darling" She took the huff and shouted, "What's THAT supposed to mean?" I looked at her and replied, "It's a pronoun used to indicate a thing, concept, person, condition, happening, chronology, or maybe a remark". That's when the fight started...

All these wretched potholes are driving me doo-lally. We used to drive on the left of the road, nowadays, we drive on what’s left of the road!

If you’re ever with me and someone comes up to us and starts talking and I fail to introduce you, it’s strictly because I cannot remember their name. So, please feel free to be astounding and introduce yourself, in order that I can then hear their name and pretend that I knew it all along. Isn’t life grand when you’re barmy!

                                 

  

Hypothetically, just imagine if we all existed in a world where all cars were electric vehicles, when suddenly, along comes a brand new invention called the "Internal Combustion Engine"! Think how well they would sell: A vehicle half the weight, half the price that will almost quarter the damage done to the road. A mode of transport that can be refuelled in one tenth of the time and has a range of up to four times the distance in all weather conditions. It does not rely on the environmentally damaging use of non-renewable rare earth elements to power it, and use far less steel and other materials. Just think how excited folk would be for such advanced technology, it would sell like hot cakes! Moreover, statistics now tell us that 88% of electric cars are still on the road. The other 12% actually made it home! Electric cars: A plan that dosen’t work to remedy a problem that dosen’t exist….

I fondly recollect going to Blackpool for our summer holidays in my dad's company vehicle. It took us over three weeks to get there. He was a milkman. His name was Ernie.

Barmy Albert was up Scropton Street languishing in his local pub, The Pitt Bull & Stanley Knife, when Non-Stick Nora asked him: "What would you like?" "What would I like?" He informed her: "An end to all this Rwanda gubbins, maybe a general election in May, get all these potholes mended. Perhaps, a nice Bank Holiday with some sunny weather, more money and for the cost of living to go down." "No!" exclaimed Nora patiently. "I meant what do you want?" "To win the Euro Millions lottery or for the mother-in-law to emigrate to a far pavilion and for the Tory government to become a distant memory!" "What's it to be?" exclaims Nora, less patiently. "Labour or Liberal Democrats, I really don't care." "You misinterpret what I am saying," sez Nora, now impatiently, "I only asked what you want to drink." "Oh," Albert opined, I see. Why didn't you say so? What have you got?" "Nothing at all," sez Nora. "I had a full medical last week and the doctor reckons that I'm perfectly healthy."

Two good deeds done yesterday. Firstly, I unplugged a row of electric cars that weren’t being used. Then in Lidl, an old lady at the checkout was in trouble. Her bill was £51-32 and after she’d counted out all her change, she only had £49-80. She didn’t want my assistance, bless her, but in just a couple of minutes, we had all her shopping back on the shelves.

                             

  

In America, you can drive for over four hours and you’re still in the same part of the country, because it’s so vast. Whereas, in the United Kingdom, if you drive for two hours, the local accent has changed twice and bread rolls have a different name.

Different dialects are part of the UK’s identity. A Yorkshire bloke goes to the vet and sez: “I’d like to get me cat neutered.” The vet asks him: “Is it a Tom?” The bloke replies: “No. It’s here in this cardboard box….” The same Yorkshire fella goes into the jewellers and asks him: “Can thee make me a gold statue of me dog?” The jeweller sez: “Dust thy want it eighteen carat?” Fella replies: “No. I’ll avvit chewin’ a bone…”

On the same subject. Two Geordie blokes were talking. One sez: “Whenever I lift me arm up and sniff, it stinks of coconuts.” The other Geordie replied: “Why aye. It’s Bounty!

If you haven't accomplished anything so far in your life, then your best days are likely to be ahead of you. However, you should consider your past track record. I was a failure in the boom era, so I now find myself on the crest of a slump. Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com Email me; comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work!