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Friday 29 March 2024

The gender agenda bender....


This year, Easter has coincided with April Fool’s Day, so technically, you could hold an Easter egg hunt for the kids, who would be searching for chocolate eggs that you haven’t actually hidden! Barmy Albert has had double glazing installed, so that his grandchildren cannot hear the ice cream van! 

Many people cannot comprehend why UK oil reserves are rapidly diminishing and we have very little oil left. Let me explain. Our oil reserves are situated in the North Sea, whereas our dipsticks are all in Westminster. Now do you understand?

This dog goes into the Post Office and sez to the Postmaster behind the counter: "I’d like to send a telegram please". The Postmaster sez: "What message do you want to send?" The dog replies: "Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof". The Post Office geezer sez: "For the same money, you can have an extra three ‘woof’s’ in the telegram" The dog replies: "That would be absurd. It wouldn’t make any sense then."

Non-Stick Nora goes into a seafood restaurant and asks to see the dishes of the day. The waiter wheels over a trolley and the Nora examines the dishes. "I'll have the little green squid with the hairy lip, please" says the Non-Stick Nora. "Okay" replies the waiter and calls out "Gervais!" Suddenly, as if in a surreal dream sequence, Ricky Gervais appears, dressed as a chef! He carries a large carving knife, the waiter instructs Ricky to kill the little green squid with the hairy lip. Ricky Gervais is just about to slice at the poor squid when he notices a tear running down its little face. Ricky is touched, and admits that he hasn't the heart to kill the squid. "Not to worry" says the waiter, and calls out "Hans!!" at which an enormous German bloke comes out of the kitchen. "Madam," says the waiter, "This is Hans, the pot washer. Hans, kill that squid!" The dishwasher wields a huge rolling pin and is just about to bludgeon the little green squid with the hairy lip when it cringes back and gives a little cry. "I am sorry madam, I just cannot kill the squid" Hans admits, his lower lip trembling. "Well sir," says the waiter, "It just goes to show. That Hans that do dishes, can be soft as Gervais. With mild green, hairy lip squid!" I'll get me hat and coat...


A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'

'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its


The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora' ), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your salary on accessories for it.


The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador') , because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realise that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a much better model..

The women won. Allegedly!


I hired a stretch limousine yesterday for the princely sum of £300. I have just discovered that it doesn’t come with a driver. I cannot believe that I have spent all that money and have nothing to chauffeur it….

I don't know how people get eaten by sharks. Don't they hear the music? Mind you, I read somewhere that the original victim in the Jaws movie suffered from terrible dandruff. Apparently, they found his Head and Shoulders on the beach! Maritime folklore advises us that in the event of a shark attack, you should poke the shark in the eyes and it will recoil instantly. I prefer to employ my already proven and successful form of defence, which is staying in Glossop….

While many complain about life in general and the cost of living, etc. I am sitting on a sofa that costs £3,500, lovely and cool in front of an air-con unit costing £2,300, watching the latest film on a 70" smart TV that costs £4,000. Right now, I'm so happy, with no worries and not a care in the world. Not even the staff at John Lewis, who keep asking me to leave, can spoil my day.

This weekly humour column may contain egregious crapulous logorrhea coupled with copious amounts of discombobulated addlepated blather. This unique formation could tickle your guffaw glands and cause enhancement of your chuckle endorphins in the cranium area. In order to ascertain if this whimsical farrago might affect you personally, I strongly urge you to visit my website: You can email me too: Now get back to work!


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