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Sunday 17 March 2024

The Offside Rule Explained....


Barmy Albert was smoking a cheroot outside The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife pub, when Dastardly Derek, the landlord came out and curtly informed him that couldn’t smoke outside the premises, unless he was fifteen yards away from the building.  Albert told him that it didn’t apply to him.  The landlord asked Albert why he thought he was excluded from the laws of the land. Albert cheerily replied: “Because I’m drinking in the pub across the road.”


A bloke in a hot air balloon, realising he was lost, reduced altitude and spotted Non-Stick Nora coming out of Aldi below. He descended further and shouted to Nora: "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am."  Nora replied, "You’re in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately thirty feet above the ground. You’re between The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife pub and north of Scropton Street abattoir." "You must be in Information technology."  said the balloonist.  "Actually, I am," replied Nora "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct but I’ve no idea what to make of your information and the fact is I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help at all. If anything, you’ve delayed my trip."  Nora responded, "You must be a Tory politician." "Indeed, I am." replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"  "Well," sez Nora: "You don’t know where you are or where you’re going. You have risen to the position you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you’ve no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now it’s my flippin’ fault!”  Moral of the story: Don’t mess with Non-Stick Nora because she’s awesome!


The Offside Rule Explained for Ladies: You are in a shoe shop, penultimate in the queue for the cash register. Behind the shop assistant on display, is a pair of shoes which you have seen and which you would absolutely die for! The young blonde shopper in front of you has seen them too, and is eyeing them with burning desire.   Both of you have forgotten your purses.   It would be totally rude to push in front of the blonde bimbo if you had no money to pay for the footwear.   The shop assistant remains at the till waiting.   Your friend is trying on another pair of shoes at the back of the shop and sees your big dilemma. She prepares to throw her purse to you.   If she does so, you can catch the purse, then walk round the other shopper and buy the shoes.   At a pinch she could throw the purse ahead of the other shopper and, whilst it is in flight you could nip around the other shopper, catch the purse and buy the shoes, always remembering that until the purse had actually been thrown it would be just plain wrong to push in front of the other shopper.  Now do you understand?

I sheepishly approached a very beautiful woman in Tesco and said: "I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"  The woman looked perplexed "Why talk to me?" she asked. "Because every time I talk to a woman as gorgeous as you, the missus just seems to materialise out of nowhere"


 I like Aardvarks. Dogs look up to us; cats look down on us, however, Aardvarks treat us as equals. Aardvarks are cool.

 I have found marriage to be very educational. For instance, I had no idea there was a wrong way to put milk in the fridge.

Top Tip: When picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.

The missus wants a divorce because of my obsession with metaphors. It was a bolt out of the blue. It took the wind right out of my sails. You could have knocked me down with feather.

A neurotic friend of mine left some emotional baggage on an aeroplane. It caused a massive insecurity alert…

I had to change a light bulb yesterday. A bit later on I crossed the road and walked into a pub. My life has become one big joke! For more BIG jokes, just visit my or email me Now, get back to work!


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