The missus asked me: “How would you describe me?” I sez: “ABCDEFGHIJK.” She thought for a moment and replied: “What does that mean?” I told her: “Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fabulous, gorgeous and hot!” She sez: “Thank you. But what about I-J-K?” I replied: “I’m just kidding!” That’s when the fight started!
Eavesdropping is a wonderful pastime. In my local pub, The Pitt Bull & Stanley Knife, I overheard Barmy Albert and Non-Stick Nora’s conversations become increasingly surreal. She sez to him the other day: “I keep seeing spots before my eyes.” Albert asked her if she’d seen a doctor. She replied: “No. Only spots....” Then yesterday, Albert asked her if she liked Tolstoy. She wholeheartedly agreed that she did. When Albert pressed her on which story was her favourite, she curtly informed him: “The one where Woody is kidnapped and Buzz desperately tries to save him!”
When asked by a police traffic officer, "Do you know you were speeding?" Octogenarian Elsie Grabknuckle gave the young officer an ear-to-ear smile and stated: "Yes, but I had to get there, before I forgot where I was going." The officer put his ticket book away and bid her good day.
What a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive. For several years, wealthy furniture manufacturer Chester Draws had been conducting a clandestine affair with a gorgeous Italian woman. One night, she confided to him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation, business or his marriage, Chester paid her a large sum of money if she would go back to Italy to secretly have the child. Also, if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would provide generous financial support until the kid turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a postcard, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back when the child was born. He would then arrange for the Child Support Payments to begin. One day, about eight months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Darling' she said, 'You received a very strange postcard today.' 'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card. His face turned ashen and he keeled over and fainted. On the card was written: Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce.
A day is a long time, in the life of a comedian. For instance, the day before yesterday, I waved at this young lady outside Wetherspoons, because I thought she had waved at me. I then ascertained that she had actually waved to another bloke, who was behind me. In a futile attempt to escape from an embarrassing scenario, I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to Terminal 2 at Manchester Airport. I am now in Japan, starting a new life....
I met Phil Spector's brother, Crispin the other day. He's head of quality control at Walkers. He told me that after 25 years of manufacturing crisps, they are just about to finish the first sack of spuds they opened all those years ago.
A young lad goes to see the Careers Officer. Reckons he can’t decide what to do. Careers Officer enquires, "How old are you?" Lad sez, "Sixteen." Careers Officer says, "Why don’t you take a year off?" Lad replies, "Alright then, fifteen."
I asked an old bloke once what it was like to be old and to know the majority of his life was behind him. He told me that he had been the same age his entire life. He said the voice inside of his head had never aged. He has always just been the same boy. His mother's son. He had always wondered when he would grow up and be an old man. He said he watched his body age and his faculties dull but the person he is inside never got tired. Never aged. Never changed. Our spirits are eternal. Our souls are forever. The next time you encounter an elderly person, look at them and know they are still a child, just as you are still a child and children will always need love, attention and purpose. We should always respect older people, because they graduated from High School without the help of Google!
If you read this weekly column regularly, then you help to make unimportant world decisions dealing with irrelevant, uncomplicated issues that influence insignificant amounts of human lives. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com
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