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Saturday 13 April 2024

Awareness Awareness Week....



My wife is blaming me for ruining her birthday. This accusation is patently absurd. Primarily because I didn't even know it was her birthday! She was also most upset because I don’t buy her flowers anymore. To be honest, I never knew that she sold flowers! Last year, she wanted me to take her to go and see Pirates of the Caribbean, but I got it all so very wrong. Dropping her off on the Somalian coastline wasn’t exactly what she anticipated. She also told me: “You can get me anything from The Body Shop.” So, I got her a front-nearside wing for a Ford Focus. Yes, you’ve guessed. It was the wrong colour!


I entered my local paper's pun contest. I sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Bored and want to alleviate the monotony of an otherwise dull day? Then annoy Specsavers staff by wandering up to their counter squinting your eyes whilst looking up behind them. When they ask if they can help you say: "Big Mac and fries please!"

Riddle me this: How come there's enough tarmac to make speed humps, but not enough to fill pot holes?

Non-Stick Nora advised Barmy Albert: "There are no such thing as problems, only opportunities.” Albert sez; "That's fantastic! Because this afternoon, I have a serious drinking opportunity." Barmy Albert was celebrating a bargain purchase that he'd made last week. He bought a 14lb lump hammer for £3.


The taxi driver spouted inane drivel from the moment he picked me up. A barrage of unrelenting addlepated blather assaulted my lugholes. He informed me: “I just love my job. I’m self-employed. I’m my own boss and nobody ever tells me what to do.” I said to him, “Next left here, mate.”

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the vicar with an unusual offer: “Listen, I’ll bung you a hundred quid, if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I’m supposed to promise to ‘love, honour, cherish and obey’ and ‘be faithful to her forever,’ I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave that bit out.” He passed the minister a roll of banknotes and walked away quite satisfied with his self. However, on the wedding day, when it came time for the groom’s vows, the vicar looked the young man in the eye and said: “Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?” The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a cowardly voice, “Yes,” then leaned toward the clergyman and exclaimed: “I thought we had a deal.” The pastor put a £100 into the groom’s hand and whispered: “She made me a better offer.”

Because I don't know how to navigate the social networking platform known as X (Formerly Twitter) I now carry around a mega phone and announce what I’m doing at random times during each day. I have three followers so far and two of those are police officers.

The phone rang and it was one of those awful telesales folk, who always seem to call at the most inopportune times. I guessed that it would be for PPI insurance, but I was wrong. These wretched cold-callers have now leapt onto a different bandwagon, with a new concept to put the bite on unsuspecting recipients of their dreary sales banter. Apparently, industrial deafness is the latest ploy with which to harangue folk with. She asked me if I had ever worked in a noisy environment. I only got to say “Pardon” six times before she hung up!

I called the vet and told him: “The missus is dropping by this afternoon with our old cat. Can you euthanize her without any pain?” “Sure” he said, ‘but will your cat find the way back home alone?’”

The man who invented ‘auto correct’ died last week. His funfair will be healed on Sundial. I must confess that auto correct really gets on my nerves. It makes Hugh sail sum thong ewe diddly Nintendo…

Next week is Awareness Awareness Week. If you are unaware of awareness and would like to be more aware of the fact that you are unaware, then Awareness Awareness Week could be for you.

If I could offer you some advice for the future: Dance like you’re mortally injured. Make love like your being filmed and you need the money. Work when people are watching. Dress up in Lycra. Always leave a false name. Be legendary. Believe in Karma. If at first you don’t succeed, then redefine success. Visit my website and continue the quest! Email


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